Exclusive to rightwingnuthouse.com! Must credit rightwingnuthouse.com!
If you thought it was bad enough that the Federal government uses the terrorist spying program to listen in on your Auntie Midge talking to her neighbor about the upcoming church social, think again. Rightwingnuthouse.com has learned that the United States Federal government will now use its massive intelligence capabilities to spy on global warming.
This will be the first effort to spy on climate and it is not sitting well with several members of Congress.
“First, we spy on global warming and the next thing you know, we’re at war,” said James Inhofe (R-Not OK With Me). “I have no doubt Democrats will fix the intelligence, twisting it in order to manipulate the American people into fighting global warming.”
Some pundits have their briefs in a twist over the revelations.
“My briefs are in a twist,” said Glenn Greenwald, whose listed occupation is “tail end of the horsey costume at Mardi Gras” as well as a sockpuppet and part time pundit for Salon.com. “Is there no end to this Administration’s attack on the Constitution?”
Speaking from his palatial house on an ant farm outside of Rio de Janeiro, Greenwald made it plain that civil liberties absolutists would not go along with another warrantless surveillance program.
“What has global warming ever done to us,” asked Greenwald. “We have global warming in a box and as long as we keep an eye on it, there’s no chance it will ever be a threat.”
Greenwald, famous author of a book on civil liberties (excerpts of which were read on the floor of the Senate as well as several prominent mens rooms in Omaha) pointed out that there is nothing in the NSA charter that gives it the right to spy on any climate – much less global warming.
“We need an amendment to the FISA statute that would prevent this abuse of power,” he said. “I propose we amend the law to include a ‘climate court” that would force these Rethuglinazikluxers to obey the Constitution.”
Representative John Conyers (D-Impeach Bush NOW) agreed saying he would introduce legislation to create the CISA early next week.
James Wolcott, food tester for George Soros and sometime columnist issued a thundering denunciation of the program on his blog:
So the government now thinks it has the perfectly legitimate right to spy on global warming. Is there no limit to this Administration’s evil? Even climate can’t change without Bush and his minions seeing a threat. Of course, he’s only doing it to satisfy his rich meteorologist friends.
Meanwhile, the CIA has issued no official statement on the matter. But one analyst who spoke on the condition his name not be used due to to the extreme sensitivity of the subject (not to mention he could end up in the slammer for 10 years for leaking to the press) was dubious of any concrete benefit of spying on climate change.
“I doubt whether we’ll find anything useful,” he said. “Global warming has proven to be very elusive, evading all attempts to find it. We think it may be in the hills above Karachi but no one really knows.”
The agent bristled when it was suggested that spying on global warming would take intelligence resources away from fighting the War That Democrats Haven’t Gotten Around To Renaming Yet.
“I categorically reject that notion,” he said.” Yeah, we might be thinned out in some places [as a result of the global warming spying program]. And sure, we might lose a little coverage here and there. But I’d place the increased threat of a terrorist attack at no more than 10 percent – 15 tops.”
“I can live with that,” he added.
10:36 am
[...] The Right Wing Nut House is attacking Global Warming. If you thought it was bad enough that the Federal government uses the terrorist spying program to listen in on your Auntie Midge talking to her neighbor about the upcoming church social, think again. Rightwingnuthouse.com has learned that the United States Federal government will now use its massive intelligence capabilities to spy on global warming. [...]
2:31 pm
Nancy Pelosi to be Appointed US Ambassador to the Sun
By Herron A Phyre
Friday April 6, 5:30 PM ET
Washington, DC. – Senior Bush administration sources confirm that Representative Nancy Pelosi (Dem – CA) is to be given a recess appointment as the first US Ambassador to “Solaria”, a position critical to the new United Nations Universal War on Warming (UNUWW).
The San Francisco Congresswoman could not be reached for comment, but her attorney confirmed that her recent diplomatic tour Middle East made such an impact on the State Department that they consider her “uniquely qualified to be the first animal to land on the solar surface.”
Apparently, the Bush administration has irrefutable evidence from NASA and the CIA that Solaria has developed enormously powerful thermonuclear weapons and is using them to warm all the planets, not just Earth.
Senator John Kerry (Dem- MA) vacationing in Davos, had this to say, “Shocked! I’m shocked and of course, the Bush administration has done nothing to reduce solar radiation. Nothing in six years! A Kerry administration would have mobilized the international community to solve this problem without delay in a thoughtful and meaningful manner that would enhance the stature of this country. Outrageous!”
Former Vice President Al Gore, exiting his black Escalade, confirmed this new discovery. “We noticed that the sun is a major factor in weather here on earth. Tipper told me yesterday that solar radiation accounts for most of the heat the tropics, where many poor, third world countries are located. It’s criminal the way these people are being abused. And, it isn’t just Earth. It’s our entire solar system. We intend to demand that Congress reclassify solar radiation as a greenhouse gas.”
NASA has confirmed that Pelosi refused the VIP space shuttle course.
“It’s going to be an automated mission, similar to the Galileo Spacecraft,” explained Mission Director Dash Riprock. “She’ll be aboard as payload. Once the shuttle has achieved earth orbit, she will move into the ‘Warmie One’ spacecraft. Mission payload specialist will use the manipulator, correction, ‘articulator’ arm to erect, correction, ‘verticalize’ Warmie prior to main engine ignition. We have recently been given a new Congressionally mandated NASA lexicon and I’m still adapting to the nomenclature.”
We asked about the compact size of Warmie.
“Shuttle volume is a premium. We plan to use kinetic energy and gravitational acceleration to propel Warmie so we don’t need much fuel. We’ll slingshot off Earth, use Venus gravitation to accelerate and turn the corner with plenty of energy to reach the Sun. As for consumables, the Speaker is not a very big person,” Riprock noted, “and she doesn’t eat much. We recycle solid and liquid human waste and reclaim oxygen. The one modification was for 12 gallons of eye drops. She blinks a lot. As for communication, she will not need a voice receiver, just a transmitter.”
We asked Chairman of the House Armed Services Committee Representative John Murtha (Dem PA) what we could do if diplomacy fails.
“We will back the Speaker up with military might,” replied Murtha, “but we do not plan to put our troops in harm’s way. We’ll deploy them to a nearby location either Venus or Mercury, I forget which ever is closer.”
We asked Chairman Murtha what weapons could be effective on the sun.
“All of them including nukes.” He continued, “If only the Bush administration had faced up to this responsibility sooner, we would have had it over with by now.”
Pointing out that the sun is a nuclear furnace with flares in trillions of megatons, we questioned the viability of nuclear weapons. To which the Congressman replied, “We did not start this fight and we will do everything we can to avoid violence, but it appears that Solaria is already heating the earth. We have no intention of turning the other cheek.”
We called the Office of the Vice President and asked an unnamed senior official how State Department convinced Pelosi to accept this position.
Speaking on condition of anonymity he told us, “Our first choice was Rosie O’Donald, but she was too big for Warmie. Madeline Albright, Hillary and Barbara Boxer all turned it down. Schumer wanted five microphones and five transmitters.
“Pelosi worked it out as part of a plea bargain. We dropped the felony Logan Act violation and she took it. We had to do a recess appointment because we knew we could never get her confirmed by the Senate.”
NASA plans to launch Warmie One on July 4th, 2007.
4:34 pm
And I read this one part on global warming about how they got—what was the first thing they did to get people to exterminate the Jews. Now, I’m not saying that anybody’s going to—you know Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. The goal is global carbon tax. The goal is the United Nations running the world. That is the goal. Back in the 1930s, the goal was get rid of all of the Jews and have one global government.
You got to have an enemy to fight. And when you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler’s plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore’s enemy, the U.N.’s enemy: global warming.
That was, actually, the real quote, zero irony.
4:47 am
Nikolay:
You are 100% correct. Al Gore’s biggest enemy is truth; his strongest ally, fear.
If the scientific community is permitted to study the evidence and discuss the problem in an open forum, his underlying premise will fall apart. It is for this reason that the radical environmentalists are propagandizing and politicizing science grants at major universities. Here is the real inconvenient truth:
1. The major cause of warming is solar radiation. CO2 in the deep oceans is released into the atmosphere as a result of warming. Glacial ice records show CO2 levels lag temperature increases be several hundred to thousands of years, and therefore cannot be the cause of warming.
2. Adverse effects are grossly exaggerated. 8,000 years ago, CO2 levels were three times current levels. Polar bears did not drown. Coastal areas did not flood. Human race was not destroyed.
3. Warming and cooling have occurred naturally over time at 1500 year intervals – long before man was here in significant numbers. The current warming trend is the end of the end of the Little Ice Age.
4. The major greenhouse gas accounting for 70% to 95% of warming is water vapor. Climate change simulations do not attempt to model the complex effects of water vapor.
5. Human cannot alter climate change in any significant way.
9:54 am
Web Reconnaissance for 05/14/2007…
A short recon of whatÂ’s out there that might draw your attention….
10:01 am
Trackbacked by The Thunder Run – Web Reconnaissance for 05/14/2007
A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention.
9:55 pm
I get it. This is Right-wing humor. Sad, really.
10:15 am
Given the CIA’s track record for the past 40 years, the only interesting question I see with their participation in the “global warming” discussion is where they will f*ck it up.
8:17 am
j