MY CHRISTMAS GIFT LIST
Sheesh…I hate shopping for Christmas gifts.
Actually, I hate shopping period. But for some reason, Christmas shopping seems to bring out the worst in me. For instance, there is nothing more depressing than having some bored, gum chewing, green haired teenager mouthing “Merry Christmas” while doing their best to make you feel like they are doing you a huge favor by placing your purchase in a bag. Have I missed something or has the value of shopping bags been linked to the price of gold recently? It’s all Sue can do to keep me from screaming some kind of very un-Christmasy retort when the clueless kid fails to bag up the $150 in clothes we just bought and then gives us one of those insolent “What else do you want” stares.
I don’t really dislike teenagers. It’s just that I believe that some of them should be put in hibernation at about age 11 and woken up when they’re about 30.
Ditto for some liberals. Since many of them act as if they are 11 years old anyway, I suggest a national program to place them in stasis until they grow out of their callow and immature beliefs. Of course, that won’t work because, like Peter Pan, they absolutely refuse to grow up which would make any government mandated stasis program problematic.
That said, I couldn’t let the spirit of the season pass by without giving gifts to the loons, goons, poltroons, and galoots that make writing this blog so much fun. I often ask myself where would I be today if we didn’t have Cindy Sheehan to kick around? Or Paul Krugman to fisk? Or the maintsream press to laugh at?
Nowhere, my friends, that’s where I’d be. These pages instead would be full of recipes, and cat pictures, and baseball news not to mention pedantic observations on such arcane subjects as “Game Strategies for Stratego Lovers” and “Winning At Monopoly.”
So, in gratitude, here is my Christmas gift list for 2005. (Note: It would be much too easy for me to play “Wizard of Oz” and give any of these characters a brain, a heart, or some courage even though most of them could use all three).
* Nancy Pelosi - A unified Democratic Party position on Iraq. Or at least one that doesn’t include the words “timetable” or “redeployment.”
* Harry Reid - New shoes. He’s put his foot in his mouth so many times this past year his old ones are all chewed up.
* Ted Kennedy - Coherence.
* John Kerry - A dead cat to stand next to during his speeches. It’s the only way he can come off more interesting by comparison.
* Hillary Clinton - Mass amnesia by the American people so that everyone can forget what she’s really like.
* Bill Clinton - A sense of honor, decency, morality, and fidelity. Or Playboy’s “Cyber Girl of the Year.” Which do you think he’d rather get? (Link NSFW)
* John Conyers - A brand new, state of the art, spit shined tin foil hat.
* George Galloway - A damn fine lawyer. Or a “Get out of jail Free!” card.
* Mary Mapes A reacquainting with reality.
* Dan Rather - Humility, perspicacity, and a sense of humor. Failing that, Katy Couric’s smile.
* Maureen Dowd - Guilt free sex…with a man.
* Arlen Specter - A dictionary so that you can look up the word “loyalty.”
* Pat Robertson - A face to face meeting with God here on earth. You have a lot of explaining to do.
* Kansas Board of Education - A calendar so that they can confirm that we have in fact entered the 21st century.
* Democratic Underground - One ton of bituminous coal, enough for everyone. And make it the kind that burns real, real dirty.
UPDATE
Michelle Malkin has a few other lists up, most of them done in a more serious vein than this one. I would exclude the AP list of Top Ten News Stories for 2005 if only because anything done by the Associated Press is not to be taken seriously.
And you have no gift wish for the Bushmaster or Cheney, the diplomat? I am surprised. They seem to need a good deal of help with honesty, responsibility, loyalty to the country, and good judgment. You seem to wish ill to anyone who has pointed out that the erstwhile emperor has no clothes and no friends. Perhaps you could examine your own motivations and the sources of the hostility that you seem quite willing to spread widely at this time. Bush has been an unmitigated disaster as President. His judgment has been flawed since the beginning and the results more terrible that we could even have suspected. The interesting thing is that I suspect it would be a blessing to him to be impeached and removed from office so he doesn’t have to suffer further confusion with resulting bad acts.
Comment by BBoot — 12/22/2005 @ 12:15 pm
Oh for God’s sake!
Get a life you humorless twit.
Comment by Rick Moran — 12/22/2005 @ 12:16 pm
How could you have left John Kerry off your list? How about a new magic hat? His current one must be a little moldy. Maybe a plaque for one of Tereyyza’s mansions “I won the election before I lost it” should do nicely.
Comment by Santay — 12/22/2005 @ 1:14 pm
The Kansas Board of education are aware we are in the 21st century. They are dragging 19th century humanists that are teaching old wives tales to our children as fact. It is time evolutionists come from the 19th century ignorance and embrace the plethora of scienentific fact that says Darwinian evolution is nonesense.
ORRRRRR…. show me one species that changes into a different species. Believing in evolution is really embarrassing and shows a lack of ability to think coherantly. But blind faith is that way.
Comment by RA — 12/22/2005 @ 2:15 pm
First on my list is a copy of the US Constitution for W. He surely is in need of one. Second up the DVD “It’s a Wonderful Life” for Chenney. Clearly the movie has a message of what happens when the liberal, George Bailey, does not exist and the conservative, Mr.Potter ruins the town, sounds familiar.
Comment by Mark — 12/22/2005 @ 4:34 pm
Interesting choices there, Mark. The Constitution, you say… that’s the same document that W’s predecessors swore to uphold, right? The same one that prompted Jimmy Carter to issue this executive order:
http://www.fas.org/irp/offdocs/eo12139.htm
I mean, really, if it’s OK for a Democrat president…
And then theres “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Not sure who Chenney is, but I’m sure he’ll love it. It’s the movie about this fellow named George, a small businessman who followed in his father’s footsteps and is being harangued by “bank inspectors,” right? Through no fault of his own, he gets into a jam and then he prays to God for help, right? And there is a God! And God sends an Angel to show that without good ol’ George in the community, things go all amok — drugs, prostitution, rampant crime, etc.
In a poignant scene, George Bailey makes a case against centralization and command & control economics: “If Potter gets ahold of this Building & Loan, there’ll never be another decent house built in this town. He’s already got charge of the bank. He’s got the busline. He’s got the department stores and now he’s after us. Why? Well it’s very simple. Because we’re cuttin’ in on his business, that’s why. And because he wants to keep you livin’ in his slums and payin’ the kind of rent he decides.”
So good ol’ George, a compassionate conservative businessman, spent his life lifting people up by giving them a chance to make it on their own. He helped so many people — not through handouts or welfare but through compassion and the free market. He even supported the troops and was most proud of his brother Harry’s service in the Army. Despite the spectre of arrest awaiting him upon his return home, he does indeed return and accepts responsibility. His greater desire is to be with his wife Mary and the kids. George realizes he truly had a wonderful life.
So yeah, Mark, I’m glad you are a fan of a movie that affirms prayer, belief in God, supporting our troops, family values, pro-business, anti-monopoly, pro-law and order, and upholding the values of compassionate conservatism.
Comment by Sly Robbie — 12/22/2005 @ 11:26 pm
Right Sly Robbie. George sound like a liberal to me, God fearing, decent, and ready to help with assistance for the less fortunate . And you know everytime a bell rings a liberal gets his wings
Comment by Mark — 12/23/2005 @ 1:50 am
Sly Robbie:
Your version with W at the helm would go more like this:
George Baily after taking over the Building & Loan quickly runs it into the ground. His brother also gets into the money business for a little monkey business on a Savings & Loan. That failure costs over a billion dollars forcing a Government bail-out.
Soon Geroge has a new plan to bring in a baseball stadium to Bedford Falls. If the city picks up the tab he stands to gain millions.
But the war comes first and George does duty at home. He’s all right in the beginning but soon loses interest and runs off to another state.
George changes professions and finds his true calling selling used cars in San Fernando Valley California. He’s still selling them now.They say he’s the best at selling old tired lemons. Surprising what a warm smile and a handshake wll get you.
Comment by Mark — 12/23/2005 @ 3:08 am
Humorless twit! How dignifying! Considering the source I suspect that may be a compliment and recognition of superior insight. Most of your comments seem to have the same pointless, innane anger to them. Rest as easily as you can on your bed of nails this season and may your desire for a Bush destruction of our economy and values be denied you for your own good.
May you in this season have some brief respite from the terrible fear that seems to motivate your fulminations against decent people and actions. You have sadly misunderstood the purposes of life and of governments and confused one for the other in your hierarchy of values.
Take the time to think more carefully about the implications of your threats: consider if you are the target not the beneficiary. And think back to the poison loosed on America by the last play of unchecked government intrustion under JEHoover. And the misery of broadly cast aspersions by Joe McCarthy.
Have you, sir, at long last no decency?
Comment by BBoot — 12/23/2005 @ 10:33 am
I wish for all in the New Year a decent dialog where we can each agree to disagree. Where we respect each other enough to listen and work together to make this country a shining example of man’s tolerance, ingenuity, and strength.
God bless the troops and Merry Christmas!
Comment by Mark — 12/23/2005 @ 11:14 am
The left’s blind hated and total BDS is appalling to many a good citizen during these perilous war times.
Comment by nikko — 12/23/2005 @ 12:42 pm
“Oh for God’s sake!
Get a life you humorless twit.”
Best laugh I have had in days!!!! Thanks Rick and Merry Christmas!
Comment by FedUp — 12/23/2005 @ 12:50 pm
BB:
You’re right. You’re not a humourless twit. You are the biggest pompous ass who has ever left a comment here. Did you READ what you just wrote? Holy smokes!
I hope you get a sphincter relaxer for Christmas. If anyone needs it - you do.
Comment by Rick Moran — 12/23/2005 @ 1:02 pm
Dear Mark,
You wrote: “And you know everytime a bell rings a liberal gets his wings”
This may be true, but I also notice they tend to crash-and-burn alot flying around with two left wings.
Comment by Sly Robbie — 12/23/2005 @ 11:14 pm
Merry Christmas To All
I’m shutting down the computer and spending Christmas with the family. Before I go here are a few Christmas related things you should see.
Christmas at Arlington
Adam’s Blog has the Carnival of Christmas
Please Wish Me A Merry Christm…
Trackback by Stop The ACLU — 12/23/2005 @ 11:21 pm
[...] imes Santa dreams of a White Christmas Cao shares a Christmas poem. Rightwing Nuthouse has a Christmas Wish list Flopping Aces has a modern Christm [...]
Pingback by Stop The ACLU » Blog Archive » Merry Christmas To All — 12/23/2005 @ 11:24 pm
Merry Mehlman
Argghh! is feeling grinchy.
Stop the ACLU says — what else? — Merry Christmas.
Right Wing Nut House has Christmas Wish List. Heh.
Trackback by Don Surber — 12/24/2005 @ 12:57 am
Sunday Funnies
image courtesy of faithmouse
IMAO has the Carnival of Comedy
The Squib has the Carnival of Satire
Point Five reports that The U.S. is Unable To Build Border Wall Without Illegal Labor
Conservative Cat has a List of Funny Stuff
The Nose on Your Face …
Trackback by Stop The ACLU — 12/25/2005 @ 12:17 pm
[...] etto Pundit says The ACLU are still on Santa’s Naughty List Rightwing Nuthouse has a Christmas Wish List Wuzzadem says to Have Yourself A Ma [...]
Pingback by Stop The ACLU » Blog Archive » Sunday Funnies — 12/25/2005 @ 12:21 pm
Mark:
A Merry Christmas to you as well. Here’s hoping for a decent dialog in the new year.
Also, condolances to the family of actress Argentina Brunetti, who played the Italian immigrant Mrs. Martini in “It’s a Wonderful Life.” She died in her sleep at her home in Rome, Italy, at the age of 98 on 24 December, 2005.
Comment by Sly Robbie — 12/25/2005 @ 6:49 pm
Hi guys. Really neat. Nana will get a kick out of it when I show her. http://cheap-hydrocodone.gottaoh.com
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Comment by Sam. K — 2/1/2006 @ 9:02 am