FAT ASS ASTRONAUTS JEOPARDIZE MISSION

An Overeaters Anonymous chapter in outer space?

“NASA is drafting a plan to evacuate the International Space Station because the two-man crews are eating more than engineers predicted, prompting a critical food shortage weeks earlier than expected.”

“The internal NASA reports call the shortage “critical” and attribute it in part to “higher consumption than planned.” Station managers list the inability to keep the station staffed as one of the most serious risks facing the outpost, a problem driven by dwindling food, water and supplies.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if NASA was figuring consumption based on the same cockamamie USDA data that says being 5’11”, I should weigh 155 lbs. Yeah, I’m a fat old man going deaf, but I haven’t weighed 155 since I was in high school and doing sports everyday. And these are the same USDA dieticians who say you should only eat 4 oz of beef at dinner. Trying to eat only 4 oz of steak is like trying to eat two spoonfuls of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey…can’t be done.

The fact that they’re overeating shouldn’t be surprising. After all, what’s there to do up there? No women, no porn, no NFL, no hockey…oh, wait; we don’t have hockey down here either…

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A NAKED ALIEN?

Yes, there are people who go to work everyday and think about what we should say if we’re ever contacted by aliens:

“Forget about sending mathematical relationships, the value of pi, or the Fibonacci series. Rid your brain of the thought (no doubt borrowed from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”) that aliens are best addressed with musical arpeggios. No, if we want to broadcast a message from Earth, I propose that we just feed the Google servers into the transmitter. Send the aliens the World Wide Web. It would take half a year or less to transmit this in the microwave; using infrared lasers shortens the broadcast time to no more than two days.”

Er…ahem. What about all of those “adult” websites? (Go ahead and google “free porn” and see how many pages there are:)

“Sure, the Web contains a lot of redundant information (and a lot of unsavory material, too, but after all, thatÂ’s part of the human condition). And yes, itÂ’s largely in English, which even their universal translators might not know. But the point is, with so much redundant information, clever beings will have sufficient data for decipherment.”

“Clever beings” indeed. If they need any help in contrasting the acting styles of say Christy Canyon and Racquel Darrien, I’d be more than happy to help them out…with the proviso that they abduct me, Christy, and Racquel and strand us on one of those “Paradise Planets” I’ve heard so much about…(WARNING: Previous 3 links NOT WORK SAFE)

MOON GOD TO EAT JUPITER

“A rare and spectacular event will occur in the early morning hours of Tuesday, Dec. 7 when the brilliant planet Jupiter and three of its largest satellites pass behind Earth’s Moon.”

Don’t let those scientist fellas fool ya. I have it on the best authority (the warlock who heads up our local wickam) that the Great God Tao is angry and will eat Jupiter unless we appease and assuage its outrage.

This can be done by sacrificing, in order; a goat, a ferret, and a marmoset and by then drinking the blood of a vestal virgin. Only then will the Great God Tao relent and, after about an hour, spit the planet out.

Now…I know where we can get a goat and a ferret…maybe we could steal a marmoset from the zoo or something…but a vestal virgin? THIS time of year? What with all the mistletoe hanging around I can’t think of anyone around here.

There may be someone in the next county…as long as frolicking with faeries doesn’t count…

SCIENTISTS UNRAVEL MYSTERY OF DEMOCRAT’S THOUGHT

Australian scientists have been able to track the path of a single thought as it travels through the brain of a Democrat:

“The latest developments in scanning techniques allow brain experts to track responses in the brain from particular movements and thoughts, in real time.”

“If we ask them to read a sentence we can actually look at them processing a single sentence. In other words we can look at the footprint of a single thought,” Professor Keith Thulborn, from Chicago’s Centre for Magnetic Resonance Imaging, said.”

Scientists used the brains of Democrats because they’re so uncomplicated. It’s been suggested that the sentence referenced above was “Bushitler stole the election by getting Diebold Corporation to rig electronic voting machines and take votes away from Kerry and add them to Bush’s totals.”

No word from scientists if any other thoughts were found in the brains of Democrats.

GIVE ME THE “WILD WEST” ANYDAY

Not content with presiding over the most catastrophic intelligence failure in the history of human civilization, George Tenet has now set his sights on the internet:

“Former CIA Director George J. Tenet yesterday called for new security measures to guard against attacks on the United States that use the Internet, which he called “a potential Achilles’ heel.”

“I know that these actions will be controversial in this age when we still think the Internet is a free and open society with no control or accountability,” he told an information-technology security conference in Washington, “but ultimately the Wild West must give way to governance and control.”

Omigod…can’t have an internet that’s a “free and open society” in a free and open society! That just won’t do. Better to have “governance and control.”

Riddle me this, Batman…What has two arms, two legs, no common sense, a penchant to exercise dictatorial control over its environment, and shit-for-brains?

The answer, of course, is a bureaucrat. And people like Tenet, who believe the terms governance and control are not mutually exclusive, can’t imagine anything that has “governance” without “control.”

Now, dearest readers, you and I both know the only way to “control” the internet is to keep track of where you and I visit everyday. We also know that despite promises that the information will remain confidential, or won’t be shared with other agencies, or could only be accessed with the permission of a federal judge, the busy little bureaucrats will do their damnedest to circumvent whatever restrictions are placed in their way. After all, they’ll only be “doing their jobs.”

Yeah the net is “the wild west”...but I’d rather have it resemble Dodge City than the Lubyanka.