Technorati informs us that there are maybe 28 million blogs out there. Think about that number for a moment. That’s 28 million people dreaming of being just like Kos, or Duncan Black, or even Oliver Willis although in Odub’s case, allowances should be made for the lunatic lobby and their agitation to be mainstreamed.
But above all others, if you’re a blogger you want to be like Glenn Reynolds. Even many lefties would kill for the traffic Reynold’s gets at Instapundit. Conservative bloggers have adopted Reynold’s snappy, punchy writing style as well as many of his ubiquitous euphemisms. Is there a blogger out there who hasn’t at one time or another used “Indeed” or the wildly understated “Heh” to make a pithy comment about some eye-brow raising bit of cluelessness?
For myself, I don’t necessarily want to be like Reynolds, I want the brand name of the coffee he drinks in the morning. He does more in an hour than most of us do in a day. His time management skills must be something back-engineered from that crashed alien spacecraft in Roswell. How else do you explain his not only holding down a full time job but also finding time to write several columns a week, read a book every couple of days, keep up with what’s going on in the world, blog up a storm, and still find time to devote to his family.
Maybe I should stop watching re-runs of Jeopardy on GSN.
The fact that he probably reads more books in a month than I do in a year and writes more in a week than many of us will do in a month bespeaks a discipline that is both admirable and scary. With that kind of efficiency, just think what he could have accomplished throughout history:
- If they had put him in charge of the War Production Board during World War II, we would have kicked Hitler and Tojo’s ass in 6 weeks.
- Rome actually would have been built in a day.
- The “Three Minute Egg” would be known as the “Two Minute Twenty Five Second” Egg.
You get the picture.
Now Mr. Reynolds has written a book about this sort of efficiency entitled An Army of Davids which either refers to the biblical story of David versus Goliath or some kind of nightmare that involves a host of clones resembling the mutli-talented star of Baywatch and Knight Rider cavorting naked in my bedroom. I’ll admit the latter possibility is intriguing but hardly germane to the idea of a world revolution in efficiency and problem solving.
With that revolution in mind it struck me that the practical applications for such an “army” were endless. Just think of how much cluelessness could be avoided, curtailed, or even defeated if Mr. Reynold’s mythical army were loosed upon the unsuspecting world of dolts, nincompoops, blockheads, imbeciles, and cluebats. The effects would probably be so beneficial, it is likely that all the fondest dreams of mankind – world peace, the elimination of poverty and hunger, a World Series Championship for the Cubs – could be realized.
Regular Carnival goers will remember my recent “What Would Jack Bauer Do” edition in which I commented on each bit of cluelessness by positing the ultimate question of what Mr. Bauer would have done if faced with a similar situation as that faced by the cluebat in question.
Because nothing succeeds like success (and because I’m running out of original ideas of what to do) I would like to take a similar tack with Mr. Reynolds fictitious army: What would an Army of Davids Do or WWAODD. Following each Carnival entry, I’ll try and answer that question as briefly as possible. Who knows, maybe we’ll come up with some real solutions to these problems. Maybe we’ll really change something. Maybe this mythical army will acquire flesh and bone and roll like a tidal wave across the landscape moving mountains, changing the course of mighty rivers (without harming the snail darter), rebuild cities, reform political parties, and even bring peace to the galaxy.
Okay, well maybe not bring peace to the galaxy. But you get the idea.
We’ve got 35 entries this week from some of the best, the funniest writers on the web. So grab a brew, kick back and be entertained. Click till it hurts!
â€œEverybody pulls for David, nobody roots for Goliath.â€
(Wilt Chamberlain, 7’2” NBA Hall of Famer)
“Hey Stilt! David probably didn’t play ‘hide the salami’ with 20,000 women”.
Alexandra at All Things Beautiful joins the Carnival this week by asking the question: Why has the Bush administration, which has labeled Iran one of the world’s most dangerous regimes and has called the hostages American heroes, fought their efforts to win damages for their ordeal from the Islamic republic? Alexandra’s answer is a jaw-dropper.
WWAODD: Using collective wisdom, they would have prevented the election of Jimmy Carter in the first place and never allowed the dirty necked galoots who run the Iranian theocracy to take power.
Our favorite conservative streetwalker, Feisty Republican Whore takes us to Australia where some media types are shocked, just shocked I tell you that the words “Muslim” and “terrorists” appear in the same context 89% of the time.
WWAODD: A re-examination of the record by the AOD’s would find that the actual percentage is closer to 100%.
Giacomo (whose coverage of Hoop Fever has been fantastic) offers an explanation as to why the clueless reporters at ESPN writing about the World Baseball Championship can’t figure out why the Cuban ballplayers seem to be living in another era – like the 1940’s and 50’s.
WWAODD: The Army would find a way to smuggle plans into Cuba to build thousands of Apple II computers made from sugar cane stalks, tin cans, and spare parts from a 1957 Chevy Bel Airs which would help unite the Cuban people and assist them in overthrowing Castro.
The best Finnish-Canadian blogger out there from Sixteen Volts takes us back to his childhood and the Marxist children’s book The Little Red Book of Schoolchildren which offered some rather interesting suggestions as to how kids could overthrow capitalist governments.
Tom Rants has a rant about the cluelessness of World Net Daily, one of the most inaccurate sources for news on the web.
WWAODD: The AOD gave up trying to fact check the cluebats long ago.
XYBA has the mandible depresser of the day about a child rapist given no jail time who immediately after being released raped again.
WWAODD: Find a way to build a trap door leading to hell so that people like this could be dealt with in a proper manner.
Dan Melson has written a superior post about the myth of the media being a “superior class” in American society.
WWAODD: The AOD belled that cat long ago.
Fausta has a smorgasbord of cluelessness from a variety of sources for your enjoyment.
WWAODD: Smorgasbords being the most efficient and profitable way to serve a large number of people, the AOD would approve (and help themselves to the kippers).
Tom Bowler updates us on the “Joe Wilson Magical Mystery Tour” of Democratic fundraisers where the most famous man in America whose wife isn’t a covert operative for the CIA has been speaking.
WWAODD: The AOD has written a program for the web that automatically debunks Wilson’s charges. The file has been corrupted by overuse.
HERE’S YOUR WEEKLY DOSE OF CARNIVAL SATIRE FROM OUR RELATIVELY STABLE STABLE OF WEB SATIRISTS:
Conservathink has an obit that is kinda, sorta, well…let’s face it. It’s disgusting. Funny? You be the judge.
Buckley F. Williams gives us the lowdown on Katie Couric’s interview with the Muslim cluebat who drove his vehicle into a crowd of people at UNC.
Mr. Right treats us to a learned academic study showing that George Bush is indeed Adolph Hitler.
MAKE SURE YOU CHECK BACK NEXT WEEK FOR SOME OF THE FUNNIEST SATIRE ON THE WEB.
The Yaks are back! Random Yak gives us a collective “Yak of the Week” for a bunch of clueless executives who refuse to use to internet. Their reasons may surprise you.
WWAODD: Disguising the internet as a set of golf clubs, the AOD tricks the executives into becoming more comfortable with going on line.
The smartest kitty on the internet, Ferdy informs us that although the Constitution does not specifically prohibit anyone from being a chucklehead, there may in fact be a foreign precedent that SCOTUS could use to prohibit Congressional idiocy.
WWAODD: The Army would work tirelessly and with eventual success in getting Ferdy elected President.
Cao has the tangled web a blogger has woven trying to hide their identity and the thread of lies she/he put out to throw people off the trail.
WWAODD: One would definitely need an army to unravel the story of this prevaricating poseur.
Carnival Pin-Up Girl Pamela enlightens us about Darfur and the demonstration in support of people who are being slaughtered as we speak.
WWOADD: The army would find a way to bring these outrages to the attention of the entire world as well as light a fire under the UN, the US government, and other western nations to get off their butts and do something.
Beth rants against the left and their argument about Iraq (and any other conflict involving the US) being about oil.
WWAODD: The AOD will eventually develop alternatives to oil anyway which will cause lefty’s heads to explode all over the world when they no longer can use their favorite anti-capitalist, anti-American argument.
Jay at Stop the ACLU wants to stop the ACLU from destroying American sovereignty in this blood-pressure raising article.
WWAODD: An army of bloggers works to expose the perfidy of the so-called civil liberties organization. Oh wait…Jay’s already doing that.
A Different River tells us about a “performance artist” who believes “If it’s not offensive, it’s not art.”
WWAODD: Art being an individualistic endeavor, The Army would normally have scant interest in such obscenity. However, since this kind of outrageousness demands action, AOD would see to it that the cluebat’s “art” never saw the light of day.
Jack Cluth bitterly bemoans the fact that Serbian mass murderer Slobadan Milosevic escaped justice.
WWAODD: Develop a life-prolonging drug that would have kept the dictator alive long enough to receive his just desserts.
Don Surber has the latest evidence of global warming; yellow snow in Korea. No, it’s not what you’re thinking.
WWAODD: Find a way to turn snow blue so that it won’t look so icky.
Mark Coffey has the Nutroots Manifesto that is not only, well, nutty but dishonest and unintentionally funny to boot.
WWAODD: Send Kos, Armstrong, and the whole bunch copies of An Army of Davids and hope they don’t only use the book as a coaster for their kool-aid.
Fred Fry gives us another fascinating post on the Maritime industry (in which he’s worked for many years) and more fallout from the Dubai port deal…AND -
The Maryhunter has more on the backlash caused by the port deal.
WWAODD: The collective intelligence of The AOD would have prevented the brouhaha from occurring in the first place.
The lovely Mensa Barbie has some information on the clueless Belarus dictator who is acting like elections are a game.
WWAODD: What they’re doing right now; sitting in the cold and snow in the middle of Minsk demonstrating for democracy.
Stephen Littau gives us some Fearless Philosophy about the cluebats in Hollywood.
WWAODD: The AOD would recognize that Hollywood is on its last legs and that in the near future, independent films will overtake the over-fed, over-hyped gluttons who pass for film artists today.
Jon Swift has an excellent rant against the Democrats trying to make political hay out of Claude Allen’s troubles.
WWAODD: Try and get to the bottom of the strangest political story this year.
Those parsing pachyderms at Elephants in Academia point out a typical bit of cluelessness from CNN.
WWAODD: CNN is beyond the assistance of the AOD and is about to be replaced by them anyway.
Dean Swift celebrates National Meat-Out day by also celebrating “The National Eat More Yummy Animals Day.”
WWAODD: Although The Army rarely takes sides in such disputes, they would immediately recognize the cluelessness of PETA and other groups as well as the unconscionable interference in other people’s lives.
Stingray has the salty story linked by Drudge about the flying cows that left two police cars on fire in Texas.
WWAODD: AOD would have developed a cow catcher so that the police cars could have saved both the animals and their vehicles.
Lecentre has a tidbit about the Canadians debating the country’s military commitments in Afghanistan.
WWAODD: The AOD would agree with the sentiment in a poll published that showed people questioning why Canadian Members of Parliament were making $100,000 per year.