MARVIN IS IN THE HOUSE!

It’s been quite a while since my racist, homophobic, ultra-fascist, Bush-loving neighbor asked me to give you a little truth and wisdom from the pen of someone from the Reality Based Community. The fact that I was out of the country in the Amazon jungle with no access to a phone, the internet or flush toilets for that matter should have nothing to do with it. I got a lot of information via carrier pigeon, courtesy of some of my friends at the Democratic Underground. And let me tell you, I’m glad to be back in Amerika at this moment in time because comrades, the revolution is about to spontaneously combust and the conflagration will consume all who dare stand in the way of truth, justice, and the American dream…at least our definition of what those concepts mean.

First, Chloe is fine and thanks for asking. We spent 6 months following graduation with some of the indigenous tribes in the Amazon rain forest trying to keep them from being exploited by rapacious businessmen and other low life capitalist running dogs. It was a struggle, let me tell you. Not fighting the businessmen but trying to keep the indians in line. For instance, when they should have been teaching their kids how to survive in the rain forest by showing them where the best grubs and insects were hiding in rotten logs, those indian mothers had the gall to send their kids to schools just so they could learn how to read and write. Chloe had a devil of a time patiently explaining to the mothers that their children were better off being ignorant and eating grubs.

I don’t think she ever quite got through to them.

The time spent in the jungle wasn’t a total loss. The natives have this drink they call boogoola. I’m not sure if that’s really the name of the drink or whether the indians were just pulling my leg. They’re kind of funny like that. You should see the crap they were selling to tourists as “authentic” rain forest souvenirs. The trinkets were all made in Kuala Lumpur. I know, I watched them unpacking the crates. And it surprised me that they only wore their native costumes when tourists were around. All the rest of the time, they sorta looked like…well, regular 21st century third world people. You know the look. They wear cast-off NBA and NFL tee shirts and throw away jeans. First time I saw “Property of the New York Jets” on a tee shirt 500 miles from the nearest telephone, I nearly freaked.

Anyway, I don’t know what was in this boogoola and didn’t want to know. I have no clue what they fermented to get the rather strange taste either. All I know is that it packed quite a wallop. And if you drink it when smoking some of the local ditch weed, the effect is positively grand – sort of a cross between XTC and blotter. Once, I woke up 50 feet off the ground in a tree looking right in the face of a monkey. I don’t remember how I got up there or what I was doing with the monkey but I think I had a good time. I wonder if she did?

Anyway, we’re home now and ready to rock and roll. I’m glad they didn’t start the revolution without me. I would have been pissed if I missed the opportunity to put my body on the line for democracy. Like this fella Cary Tennis from Salon says, it’s time to overthrow the oligarchy and practice a little regime change here at home:

I do think this regime’s removal is the most urgent matter before the country today. And I do think that at a certain point the achievement of that goal might take precedence over our personal predilections for writing, teaching and the like. We might be called upon to go on general strike, for instance. We might be called upon to set up camp in the streets for weeks or months, to gather and remain in large public squares as the students in Tiananmen [sic] Square did, and dare government forces to remove us or to slaughter us in the streets.

This is all terrible and rather fantastic to contemplate. But what assurances have we that it is not all quite plausible? Having discarded the principles that Jefferson & Co. espoused, the current regime seems capable of anything. I know that my imagination is a feverish instrument. But are we not living in feverish times, in times of the unthinkable?

This guy rocks. He speaks my language. When I was in school and belonged to an anarchist cell, this is exactly the kind of stuff we were talking about doing. We even tried it once.

It was my junior year and the war in Iraq was really heating up and the Presidential campaign was in full swing when Chloe suggested we follow the example of the Ukrainians and hold a continuous rally until we brought down Bushitler and his evil brain Karl Rove. So we got our anarchist cell involved. We printed up 500 flyers calling on the students at SIU to rally in front of the Administration building for democracy. We thought that if we could get a few thousand people to stand around all day chanting slogans and denouncing Bushco, we could get the press to publicize it. And once it was on TV, we were absolutely convinced that the movement would sweep the country, ending up with millions of us marching to Washington to demand the resignation of everyone in government.

Things didn’t quite work out the way we planned. In fact, it mostly sucked.

First, don’t try something like this in the middle of winter. In the midwest. With a blizzard howling all around you. I mean, I don’t care how committed you are, most people just aren’t willing to freeze to death for democracy. And don’t talk to me about Valley Forge. Those poor deluded fools didn’t know they were fighting to keep the rich Boston merchants and slave-owning Virginia planters in power. And Valley Forge couldn’t have been that bad. I hear they were eating pine needles and tree bark. Sh*t, Chloe makes me eat that crap all the time. How bad could it have been?

Anyway, what with the blizzard and the cold and the fact that the band we hired canceled because they were worried about being electrocuted by playing in the snow, our grand rally for democracy never quite got off the ground. Chloe caught a cold and I nearly got pneumonia.

But this guy Tennis has the right idea about a lot of things. Read what he says about how we on the left have been changing the Constitution right under everyone’s noses for years:

If portions of the Constitution stand in the way of desired policies, rather than trying to change the Constitution, instead find someone with academic credentials to say that the Constitution doesn’t say what it says, to make a halfway plausible, somewhat believable but basically pretend argument that it actually says something entirely different from what it appears to say and what we always thought it said. If the argument is weak, just sing it loud and stick to it! It is, in form at least, an argument! It was written by a law professor!

Actually, he is making the point that this is the way the Bushcos justify torture. But he really reveals how the right has stolen our ideas on how to avoid inconvenient parts of the Constitution, especially when talking about stupid things like freedom of religion or protection of property rights, or even scholarly stuff like enumerated powers. You know, it comes down to this; the Constitution means whatever we on the left say it means and if you don’t like it, eat my shorts. This is the way its been for a long time and I see no reason to change. And if you disagree, we just call you a racist or a bigot, or anti-woman and poof! You’re slimed and you lose whatever moral authority you thought you may have had.

Pretty neat, huh?

Anyway, whenever we’re called on to fill the streets with our bodies, Chloe and I will be there. Of course, if there’s a call for a “General Strike” we don’t have jobs so we couldn’t participate fully. But I’m sure a lot of people would. After all, who wouldn’t want a day off (or two) from work? It would be fun! I guess my only question would be who would call for a General Strike? And do you think people would give the idea the seriousness it so richly deserves or would they laugh whoever proposed it out of the country? I’m really not sure.

Well, I’ve got to run. Chloe likes to go to the public library on Mondays so she can read her Tantric magazines. There’s The American Tantric, Gaia and You, and my favorite, The Single Tantric which always has great pictures that gives Chloe fantastic ideas of what to do the next time we play “slap and tickle.”

Keep the faith, baby!

He’s baaaaack! Marvin Moonbat is in the House! (Go here for background on Marvin)

WHY DID ROVE STOP AT PLAME?

Well, I’m back.

The last time I wrote a column for my nutjob whacko neighbor Rick, a few of my friends found out about it and my anarchist cell put me on trial for consorting with the enemy. First, I didn’t know anarchists had trials what with them being against any sort of governmental institutions. Second, the punishment was, I thought, a little radical. Being forced to stand in front of a bunch of my friends and strip myself of all right wing influences by taking off my clothes and reading Noam Chomsky I thought went a little too far.

Anyway, Chloe and I decided that for the time being, I should cool it with the writing gig at the House. Instead, we concentrated on our studies and I’m proud to say, I now have a BA degree to my name. I’m not sure how my Anti-American Studies major is going to help me get a job but I’m not worrying about that right now. Chloe and I are off to the Amazon rain forest in a couple of weeks to study the rape of the environment and exploitation of indigenous peoples so I won’t have to get a job until at least September.

What convinced me to submit this article was my disgust with Karl Rove and the fact that he really blew it in outing that CIA agent. Why the hell did he stop there? Why couldn’t he have kept going and named a whole slew of covert agents? That way, everyone would know who is doing the dirty work for the corporate fascists who are running this country. It was really disappointing.

Oh I know we on the left are claiming it was treasonous to reveal the name of a CIA agent but c’mon! Who believes that? We’ve been against the CIA for decades! I remember one of my early childhood heroes was Philip Agee, the man who revealed the names of those CIA agents in Europe. My parents and their friends used to talk in glowing terms about how courageous he was and they laughed at how he really must have put a crimp in our intelligence gathering operations. Now that’s what I call “direct action.”

Isn’t it cool how were turning this “treason” bit around and tarring the wingnuts with it? I mean, you and I both know we could care less if something is treasonous or not. After all, one man’s treason is another man’s patriotism. Just ask Ward Churchill. But in order to get the sheep here in America mad at the repugnuts, we’re using the treason charge against Rove for revealing Valerie Plame’s name.

It’s f**king brilliant! I mean, if the public knew how much we really despised the CIA and wished that every single agent’s name were plastered all over the news, they might not think kindly of us. But by feigning outrage, we score big against Rove and his boss, President Chimpface.

The press, of course, is playing right into our hands. We knew they’d ignore the facts of the case in favor of going after Rove. We complain about the press a lot but when it comes to doing exactly what we need done in situations like this, they always come through. You’d almost believe that they were following a script written at Democratic party headquarters. Come to think of it…maybe we should get somebody to work on that right away.

At least this way, we’ll probably get rid of Rove. I only wish we could cook up something against Shrub. Maybe we could revive the National Guard stuff. Or the “Bush lied, people died” theme. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to keep pretty quiet about Iraq. Every time we open our mouths calling that effort a failure, it seems those idiot Iraqi’s do something stupid like hold successful elections or make progress toward a multi party democracy. Best to concentrate on other targets.

And of course we can’t talk about the economy anymore since that’s doing pretty well what with the steady growth and low unemployment. And it looks like we’ll have to lay low on the Bush is Hitler theme too since Dick Durbin gave all Hitler analogies a bad name with his Gitmo cracks. We’ll have to come up with something else. I thought his reference to Pol Pot showed some promise but really, who remembers that guy? It looks like we’ll be hard pressed to find some historical figure to replace Hitler when talking about Shrub. I’m not worried. We’ll come up with someone.

Well, I got to go. Chloe is busy meditating and praying to Gaia to keep us safe from the snakes in the rain forest. I don’t mind that so much but did she really need to bring that live rattler in the house to use as a sacrifice?

Marvin Moonbat is in the House!

IT’S NOT GOOD TO BE DEPRESSED (By Marvin Moonbat)

Chloe and I both stayed home from school today. For my part, I’m not missing much. The professor in my “A Post Imperial World: The Rise of Indigenous Peoples and “Rainforest Power” class has become insufferably long winded. He used to be pretty cool. The class (there are three of us) used to start out by discussing the oppression of indigenous peoples all over the world. After a while, we’d link the grievances of say American Indians with episodes of our favorite TV shows. It was great!. Drawing parallels between the “Trail of Tears and MTV’s “Pimp My Ride” was always a challenge.

Then someone ratted the prof out to the Anti-Imperialst studies Dean and that was that. Now, instead of talking about the latest life-changing automobile metamorphisis, we’re stuck listening to this wind bag drone on forever about how indigineous people live, what they believe, and all that stuff that no-one really wants to hear about…except Chloe. Chloe is dead serious about this crap and I’ve learned its better to humor her about this than risk not being able to play “hide the salami” with her for a week or so.

Anyway, we woke up this morning and as we were drinking our recycled coffee, we came across this item that really bummed us both:

What Didn’t Happen In Ohio
Russ Baker

Back in January, I wrote a piece for TomPaine.com questioning widely circulated claims that the election in Ohio had been stolen. I had done some poking around, anticipating that at least some of the frightening anecdotes filling our mail boxes and raging on talk radio would be borne out. In spot checks on a few popular fraud anecdotes, I found credible alternative explanations such as incompetence, structural problems, politicization of decision-making and other failings— but no evidence of deliberate fraud designed to hand the election to Bush.

It was like losing all over again.

To have one of our own actually go out and prove the Bushitler didn’t steal the Ohio election is like a betrayal of everything we stand for.

The dummy should have let well enough alone. After all, it’s one thing to say there are things that have to be looked into as far as election irregularities in Ohio. It’s quite another to actually prove that there’s no conspiracy.

What’s Keith Olberman going to do now? What are they going to talk about on “Air America?” Will Daily Kos and The Democratic Underground now shut down because there’s nothing left to investigate?

And if that’s not bad enough, we had our friends in Britain betray us by re-electing that American lap dog Tony Blair. I mean, I just can’t understand it. We’ve now had three elections in the English speaking world and all three – John Howard in Australia, Tony Blair in England, and our very own smirking chimp – reelected even though the Iraq war has proven to be a disaster. Don’t people realize that some really smart people have said the Iraq war is wrong? I mean, I know most of what these smart people have said would happen in Iraq hasn’t happened, what with the successful elections and forming a government and all. And it’s not their fault that they didn’t see that with the successful elections in Iraq democracy would break out all over the middle east. I mean, who could have predicted that? No one did, as far as I know.

So Chloe and I got hit by a double whammy of bad news this morning and we both decided to protest by not going to class. For a while, I kind of thought that we could use the time off to get “reacquainted” with each other so to that end, I got out the really good ganja
and started to roll a really fat one but Chloe stopped me dead in my tracks. What kind of protest is it if we get high and lollygag about in bed all day, she asked.

So instead, Chloe brewed up some herbal tea and initiated her favorite tantric meditation rite involving aromatherapy and some really nasty body oils. She said only by getting in touch with our “inner child” can we appreciate that the world is going to hell in a handbasket and only through prayer and meditation can we rebalance the forces that are so out of whack that Gaia has punished us with global warming, forest fires, and earthquakes. Not to mention angering Pele-`ai-honua , the volcano god.

And you wonder why I’m so depressed today?

It’s Friday and Marvin is in the House!

QUESTIONS I’D LIKE TO SEE ASKED AT SHRUB’S PRESS CONFERENCE (By Marvin Moonbat)

Watching our Chimp in Chief last night as he answered questions from the corporate media, I started to get mad. Chloe got so concerned she was actually worried that I’d something stupid…like pull a Randi Rhodes or something. She shouldn’t have worried so much. First of all, I don’t believe in violence…unless its for a good cause like the minutemen in Iraq. They’re fighting our murderous corporate army to free their country from the tyrannical grip of US imperialism. So I think we should give them all the support they deserve. But I’d never support doing anything violent against any of the repugnuts. I wouldn’t want to make a martyr out of them.

That being said I sure was pissed. Not so much at Bushitler but at the wimpy questions being asked by all those media toadies. So while Chloe and I sat there eating our recycled popcorn (Chloe takes all the kernels that don’t pop and recycles them…pretty neat, huh?) I came up with questions that I’d like to have asked the Smirker if I’d been at that press conference.

1. Mr. Chimp, according to the Secret Service Logs Jeff Gannon visited the White House 197 times before it was discovered he was a male prostitute and gay. Are you aware of any sexual relationships that Gannon may have had with White House staff? Did you personally ever sleep with Gannon? Did Karl Rove?

2. What are you going to do about the shortage of tin foil on college campuses. I saw a post on the Democratic Underground that the government was deliberately withholding supplies of tin foil so that people couldn’t protect themselves from the mind control practiced by Karl Rove. What are you going to do to close this “tin foil gap” and do you have any long term plans to insure a steady supply of tin foil in the future?

3. Recently, your Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said “I think the only people who could conceivably be talking about a draft are people who are speaking from pinnacles of near-perfect ignorance.” Have you considered firing him for this insult to those of us who are perfectly ignorant as opposed to “near perfect?” And now that we’re on the subject, when will you institute the draft? No kidding now…You can tell us…

4. What are your plans to tear up the constitution and set up a dictatorship? Will we still be able to get MTV?

5. Are you concerned with the fact that the Republicans control the White House and the Congress and appear to be much more popular than the Democrats? Wouldn’t it be fair to let the Democrats win one every once in a while?

6. Is it true that your Administration is building concentration camps for all non-Christians and that James Dobson and Jerry Falwell have already been designated as Camp Commandants? Is it true you called the rulers in Iran asking them for advice in how to set up a theocracy?

7. Are there really alien spaceships at Area 51? Is it true government scientists are keeping Big Foot in a cage at your Texas ranch? Would you allow PETA to check on the animals status so that we can be assured he’s not being mistreated?

That last question is from Chloe. She’s really into that kind of stuff. She says the Indians believe that Bigfoot exists so it must be true. When in doubt, she says, come down on the side of indigenous peoples. Otherwise, the evil spirits will take over your body and make you do bad things.

She can get a little carried away at times.

Anyway, those are the questions I’d ask if I were a reporter for a corporate media outlet. I’d never make it as a reporter though. First of all, looks like you have to wear a tie and I hate ties. Second, I haven’t had a haircut in 4 years and I wouldn’t get one now just on principle. Third, I reject the idea of work in general as I believe it to be beneath the dignity of a revolutionary like myself. All the great revolutionaries never worked a day in their life, they were supported by their followers. That sounds like a great idea to me.

Now all I have to do is get someone to follow me…

Marvin is in the House!

HOW KARL ROVE ELECTED THE POPE (By Marvin Moonbat)

You probably heard that the Catholic people elected a new Pope, which is okay. I mean I’m not anti-Catholic or anything even though I thought the last guy they had in there was kind of a wacko. You don’t think so? Let me explain.

First of all, anyone who thinks there’s a God is sort of a loon anyway. But that’s just my opinion. I’m not anti-religious; being a tolerant, broad minded progressive its against my nature to belittle people for their beliefs. But anyone who thinks that they’re God’s representative on earth just isn’t playing with a full deck. If God wanted a representative here on earth, it certainly wouldn’t be someone from Poland and it definitely wouldn’t be a conservative. Not that I’m anti-Polish either, it being against my nature to belittle someone for their ethnic background. But, c’mon. Let’s get real. A Pole?. Don’t get me wrong. My mother had a Polish cleaning lady and she was great, except she couldn’t speak English very well. This led her to do some weird stuff like instead of cleaning the dishes, she’d clean the fish tank. It drove my mother nuts. We finally had to let her go because, being Polish we were sure she was stealing the silverware.

So this Polish conservative Pope not only was anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-progressive in every way possible, he was also good buddies with our now dead but not lamented ex-President Reagan. Thought he was a cool guy and helped bring down the progressive socialist governments in eastern Europe. I ask you, how is socialism ever going to get a foothold in this country if we don’t support the governments that reflect our core values of progressive enlightened, leadership. Yes, they could have had elections and all that democracy crap. But they had the right idea with a few intelligent people telling the unintelligent what was best for them. This is the beating heart of progressive thought; we know what’s best so shut up and get back to work.

Anyway, this John Paul guy dies and the media has wall to wall coverage of this Catholic stuff. That’s all that was on for about a week. What about equal time for the other religions? What about the Muslim response? They could have given Osama bin Laden a half hour to rebut all that Catholic crap. That would only be fair, ya know. Or, they could have had some coverage of some other non-Catholic stuff like that Church out in New Mexico that wants to import hallucinogenic tea for their religious ceremonies. Maybe I’ll have to look into joining that Church. Sounds like they have the right idea about “seeing God.”

So I was talking about this with my friend Howie and he came up with this theory that makes perfect sense to me. He proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Karl Rove was the mover and shaker behind the scenes that got this Pope Benedict the 16th guy elected.

The first piece of evidence is a no-brainer. The new Pope is German, right? Well, it turns out when he was a kid he was in the Hitler Youth. He’s a Nazi! And since everyone knows that Rove is a Nazi, it just makes sense to connect the dots. They probably met at a some secret Nazi party meeting that no one knows anything about. At least that’s Howie’s hypothesis.

Second, there’s the smoke issue. I’m not really up on these things but I guess after every vote all the Cardinals took, if it didn’t result in a new Pope being elected, they’d burn damp straw with the ballots so that black smoke would rise from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. The day the Pope was elected, a lot of media people were reporting that, at first, they saw black smoke coming from that chimney. Then after a while, it turned white. Sound familiar? Yes, you guessed it. That’s exactly like the exit polls from last November’s Presidential election! At first it looked like John Kerry would win in a landslide and then, suddenly we had Ohio, Florida, and a lot of other states magically switching from Kerry to Bush. Only Karl Rove could manipulate the straw so that it would burn white.

Howie thinks that once that happened, the Cardinals panicked and decided they had to pick someone, so why not the #2 guy in the whole Vatican? They figured he’s old so he’ll probably die soon and then they can pick another Pope, a progressive Pope – one that the people want. This makes perfectly good sense to me since, when you think about it, what this Pope is saying is that being a Catholic is hard. What the people want is a Pope who’ll make things easier. So obviously, a progressive Pope would be the people’s choice.

Finally, Rove probably infiltrated the gathering of Cardinals to swing the vote his way. How do we know this? Well, we know how secret this White House is. By that I mean, when was the last time you heard the White House tell us anything about our plans to capture Osama or how we’re going to respond if China invades Taiwan or any other military secret that the people have a right to know? Well, the guys at the White House have nothing on these guys in the red robes in the Vatican. They obviously learned how to keep secrets from Rove. Howie thinks that Rove may have even disguised himself in a Cardinal outfit and gone there himself. I wouldn’t put it past him.

Well, that’s it for today. Chloe and I are going to a demonstration tomorrow in support of free speech. We’re going to a meeting of the College Republicans group so we can shout them down. It should be fun.

Marvin is in the House!

MY GUIDE ON HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL PROTESTER (By Marvin Moonbat)

Protesting is a very serious business. You have to really want it to be successful. And by successful, I mean carrying out your protest so that you’re able to look in a mirror and say “Wow…I really made a difference today! What I did was important! I’m changing the world!

And let me tell you, changing the world can be a lot of work.

For instance, last weekend our campus chapter of PAWPER (People Against War, Profits, and Environmental Rape) held a protest against the Iraq war. Or maybe it was against Iraq war profiteers. Or maybe it was against war profiteers who are raping the environment. I kinda wasn’t paying attention at the strategy session we held the night before because I was too busy making my sign for the protest.

That’s one of the first rules of being a good protester. You’ve got to have a decent sign. Bells, whistles, drums, horns, and other noisemakers are important. But if you don’t have a good sign, you might as well turn in your membership card for the Reality Based Community.

First, you have to start with a theme. My theme at the protest was “No blood for Oil.” So Chloe (who’s really a good artist) drew this picture of an Iraqi getting shot by one of our “heroic” soldiers with blood kind of spurting out of his head and the soldier with a big grin on his face saying “HALIBURTON SAYS HELLO!” with the letters in “Haliburton” dripping blood. Blood is very important in protests. The protest leader, my friend and mentor Jacques (he’s a foreign student from France) says that all the good European protests show a lot of blood. He says whenever they make a sign using a picture of Bushitler, they always show blood dripping from his mouth. Pretty cool, huh? And since the Europeans are always right and know things that we Americans don’t have a clue about, it just stands to reason that we should copy them whenever possible.

So to really make our sign stand out, Chloe drew a picture of the American flag with blood dripping from the red stripes. And for the stars, she drew tiny pictures of naked Iraqis like the ones from the Abu Gharaib thing. It was a masterpiece! Chloe got mad when some huffy woman from the Girls Against Guns (GAG) group complained that all the blood would encourage violence. She told her to bugger off, in so many words. And then some gay guy complained that the stars with the naked Iraqis weren’t big enough, that he couldn’t see them. I told him it wasn’t important that people see the naked Iraqis it was important that we knew they were on there! After all, protesting is as much about making a statement about yourself as it is about trying to change people’s minds. So what if people can’t see naked men, piled on top of each other. The point is that it reinforces your belief that torture is bad, unlike the wingnuts who believe that torture is good and our faux President who likes to torture people.

I mentioned noisemakers before. It’s important that you choose a noisemaker that matches your personality. Kind of like a zen thing; you must become the noisemaker. Chloe prefers more subtle noisemakers like wind chimes or banging two pieces of wood together. She says it helps her commune with the forest spirits. For myself, I wanted to use a drum but Chloe wouldn’t let me. She said since indigenous people thought that drums were sacred that I couldn’t defame their religion by using them, even for a good cause. So I ended up using a kazoo. It sounded pretty good too. The only thing was by the end of the protest I was so out of breath from humming I almost fainted.

Next time, I think I’ll use a cowbell.

One guy had a glockenspiel. The problem was, he couldn’t play a note so he ended up just banging away like crazy on the damn thing making quite a discordant racket. One of the protest leaders finally couldn’t stand it any longer and told him to put the stupid thing down and just yell a lot. Pretty embarrassing.

So anyway, there were about 50 of us that showed up for the protest in front of the campus administration building. There were quite a few professors who joined us. I hear one prof actually made it part of a class assignment and that he’d fail anyone who didn’t show up. I wish he had a bigger class. As it was, we had a good group. There were a few members of “Code Pink” who showed up in pink underwear. I was kind of disappointed because, no offense to those people, but none of them looked good enough that they should have been dressed only in underwear. I mean there was this really enormous hairy guy with a beard and weighing close to 300 pounds. He was dressed in pink tights and a pink bra. It kind of distracted from the point they were trying to make.

The highlight of the protest was the “die-in.” About 20 of us lay on the ground while a couple of people poured red stuff all over us. The media ate it up! The local TV station sent a camera crew and they took pictures of us lying on the ground with this fake blood and it was great. They even had a shot of me lying there. It was only for a couple of seconds but I got on TV! I got a tape of the program. I’m the one lying on my stomach, face down 3rd from the right in the second row. I looked pretty good too except all of that fake blood was really messy. And I wish they’d told us it wouldn’t come out in the wash. I ended up ruining my best Bruce Springsteen tee shirt.

After the die in, Jacques got up and made a speech. He talked about how the war was bad and that Haliburton and other big corporations were making a fortune. I couldn’t understand a lot of what Jacques was saying because he really doesn’t speak English very well and my French could use some work. I think he said something about we should try and be more like the French and other European countries by letting the United Nations run the world. I agreed with that 100%. Considering what the UN has been able to accomplish in places like Darfur, the Congo, and other trouble spots around the world, it just makes sense to have the UN run things.

The protest ended with everyone singing the Internationale. Chloe and I both choked up at that point. Thinking of all the people who’d given their lives for socialism – voluntarily or not – made us feel part of a very special movement. It was truly inspiring.

So that was our protest for peace. I just wish more people had shown up to watch. I think there were more members of the media there than onlookers and protesters. It just goes to show how hard it is to be a member of the Reality Based Community.

It’s Friday at the House which can mean only one thing: The weekly visit of Marvin Moonbat!

LIBERTARIANS AND PROGRESSIVES UNITE! (By Marvin Moonbat)

I’ve got a pretty good friend here at EIU named George Weaselhead. George considers himself a libertarian and I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how much we agree on many of the more important political issues of the day. So much so, that I recently made a suggestion that we sit down and compare our positions just to see how much we have in common. Believe you me, I was pretty shocked. I always thought that libertarians were just wingnuts without the courage of their convictions. Now I see that they’re actually liberals without the courage of their convictions.

This makes a big difference.

First of all, for me personally, there’s the issue of the legalization of certain drugs. I was amazed that libertarians agree I should be able to ingest, smoke, shoot, snort, or pop any old controlled substance to my heart’s content. At first, it kinda worried me that even some wingnuts were in favor of this. That is, until I realized the winguts were only worried about our overburdened court system. True progressives are for getting high because it’s the right thing to do and the consequences be damned. I mean, I’m not for allowing kids or anything to drop acid or smoke crack. But if someone, say over 15 years of age, wants to get high and have a little fun, why should the government want to put us in jail?

Then there’s the fact that both us progressives and libertarians can’t stand the religious nutcases in this country. For myself, I just don’t understand these Christians. All of this kneeling and praying…and in public no less! I mean, if you’re going to do all that kowtowing to an imaginary Supreme Being, at least have the common courtesy to do it behind closed doors. Preferably in basements and cellars where there’s no possibility their superstitious nonsense can be seen by anybody. Imagine my surprise in finding out that libertarians mostly agree with that. We’re both very concerned about a religious takeover of government in this country. I mean look what happened to that country that’s right next to Iraq…sounds just like Iraq except it’s not. Um…oh yeah, it’s Iran! They got those relginuts over there too. And libertarians are on the progressive’s side when it comes to keeping the Christians down and bottled up.

And what about saving the First Amendment. A lot of those Jesus freaks go ape whenever someone’s naked tush is shown on TV or when someone says “shit” or something. Libertarians believe that you should be able to say or do anything over the air on TV or radio. Personally (and don’t tell Chloe) but I’d like to see a lot more of Terri Hatcher. She’s the bomb, if you know what I mean.

There are all sorts of issues libertarians and liberals agree on. We agree that a woman should be able to get an abortion anywhere and for any reason. We agree that the ACLU has got to protect us from religinuts wanting to pollute our culture with the symbols of their god, like at Christmas. In short, it’s truly amazing how much liberals and libertarians agree on.

I suggested to George that he come to a demonstration against this repugnut columnist who’s going to speak on campus this week. It’s going to be great! We plan on throwing a pie right in the a-hole’s face. Isn’t that a scream? George, however was pretty wishy-washy about the idea. Come to think of it, George is pretty wishy-washy about a lot of things. He says he’s “an objectivist” whatever the hell that is. He says he has to think really, really hard about an issue before he decides whether he’s for it or against it. And he says that even after thinking really, really hard about something, he sometimes just can’t make up his mind. He says it’s too hard. He thinks there are too many points of view to consider.

He’s actually kind of a whiner…reminds me of my little sister sometimes.

So after thinking about it a little bit, I decided that George just isn’t cut out for the progressive lifestyle. He just won’t commit to anything.

Come to think of it, Chloe says the same thing about me all the time. I wonder what she means by that?

Marvin Moonbat is back! After a short spring break hiatus, Marvin is once again in the House!

LEAVING YOUR HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO (By Marvin Moonbat)

Well, I’m back from my vacation and and let me tell you, it was a life changing experience for me and Chloe.

First, we went to Acapulco. Nice place, kind of rowdy with all the kids, but very relaxing nonetheless. Chloe accidentally got sunburned and suffered a panic attack because she figured it was her death warrant what with the hole in the ozone layer and all. So we went to see this Shaman who for the nominal fee of $10 gave Chloe a salve made of…well, we weren’t exactly sure what was in it. It looked like a goat turd, had the consistency of cat vomit, and smelled like donkey piss. Anyway, the guy was nice. He said for another $10 he would do this Indian ritual thing where he would banish the evil spirits and everything. I kind of doubted it, what with my prejudice against religion. But Chloe’s in to this sort of thing and he went ahead.

First, the guy sort of hopped around on one foot then another, chanting some kind of weird incantation that sounded like “The people…united… will never be defeated” or at least that kind of rhythm if you get my drift. Then he started to howl like a wailing banshee and bashing this club about 6 inches from Chloe’s head, who was lying on the ground next to this monster campfire. Chloe looked pretty serene, like she was really diggin’ it. Me? The dude was scaring the crap out of me. Chloe is a very trusting sort having lived a sheltered life in a commune with her mother. But I grew up in Chicago. You tend to be a little more cynical about people if you meet enough of them.

Anyway, the holy man finished with his “Out damn Devil” rant and then threw some stuff into the fire that caused this huge shower of sparks. It kinda made me wish we had smoked that killer weed we got on the beach before we came. It would have been even more awesome. Afterward, the Shaman assured Chloe that she’d never get cancer and could he please have $25 for performing the ceremony. When I kind of mentioned that he had said it would be $10 the guy got real animated and said that gringos always come down and try to rip off the brown people. Chloe agreed and made me give the guy $50 just for getting him mad.

Never argue with a woman with a killer sunburn and who smells of donkey piss. You’ll lose every time.

Anyway, Mexico was OK. From there, Chloe decided she wanted to see her mother who lived in this commune outside of San Francisco. I was kind of down on the whole idea. I mean, I may be a progressive with anarchist tendencies, but these people in the commune are out there. They’ve not only rejected modern society, some of them have rejected humanity. They’ve taken on the appearance and characteristics of animals. One guy thought he was a dog and not only barked at strangers, but also pissed on your leg if you weren’t careful. Some woman thought she was an aardvark. She kept sticking a straw in her nose and putting it down the holes of anthills. Then there was this guy who thought he was a porcupine. He had taken the art of body piercing to an extreme that even I didn’t think was possible.

Chloe’s mother was pretty normal, though. She was cool about Chloe and I sleeping together, although since we all slept in the same great big bed I didn’t have much desire to play “hide the kielbasa” what with her mother sleeping right next to us.

The highlight of our vacation was definitely our trip to San Francisco. Walking through the Haight-Asbury district, I felt like weeping. These are my kind of people, I thought. This is where I belong. There were hippies, yippies, punks, whole earthers, greens, goons, gang bangers, rappers, religious nuts, and a whole slew of tourists. It was like these good people were putting on a show, taking us back to a time when progressives were in power and people actually listened to what we had to say.

Ah… those were the days! Days of Rage. Days of Thunder on the Left. Free Love! Cheap Dope! Down with the “Man!” It was so inspiring, I wanted to move out here just to be a part of it all.

Then I realized those days are pretty much gone now. If you looked closely, you could see the grey hair and wrinkles on the faces of the flower children. And the younger folk didn’t seem so committed to the cause as they were to trying to scrounge a living by pan handling the tourists.

This is why I like the anarchists. At least they’re committed to a cause. Just what that cause is I couldn’t tell you. Even after Chloe and I went to the Anarchist Book Fair and sampled a few tracts from some anarchist authors, we still couldn’t quite figure them out. I know what they’re against. They hate government. They loathe technology. They despise modernity. I just couldn’t figure out what they were for...except they were for anything America was against which made perfect sense to me.

To try to learn more, Chloe and I went to hear Ward Churchill speak. When the great man entered the room, the place erupted into a prolonged, heartfelt applause that nearly brought tears to my eyes. Now here was a guy who spoke truth to the man! I found out so much I didn’t know about American history. You know, the good stuff, the stuff they don’t put into the history books. Why if I didn’t know better, I’d say that Professor Churchill was making the stuff up as he went along. He made it clear that when he was talking about “Little Eichmann’s” at the twin towers on 9/11 he wasn’t talking about the “little people” like janitors and food service workers or maintenance people. They were innocent. After all, they’re part of the oppressed masses who don’t even know they’re oppressed.

At least, I think that’s what he was talking about. It was kind of hard to follow what with the Prof jumping from topic to topic talking about killing indians one minute and then talking about killing Arabs the next. Sort of reminded me of this crazy comparative lit teacher I had last year who, after spending an entire class talking about how to make a tin foil hat more effective against government “death rays” that would penetrate your brain if you weren’t careful, was dragged off in a strait jacket by guys in white coats. I didn’t see any white coats coming for Professor Churchill, although there was a rumor going around that his 3rd wife used to call him “Psych Ward.”

Anyway, all in all it was a great experience. Chloe got to see her mother and meet a real live Shaman (I threw the cat vomit salve away the minute her sunburn was better). And I got to see San Francisco and dream of a time when I can go and live there with all the other progressives in perfect love and harmony.

So it’s back to reality. I’m already late to my “History of American Genocide” class. I get to find out how the prof liked my paper I submitted for mid terms called “War on Terror: Showing Terrorists Respect is Better than Killing Them.”

I should get an “A+” for the title alone.

Marvin is not in the House today.

He and Chloe went to Acapulco for spring break and to meet a man named “Manuel” about buying “some real good shit” whatever that means.

Superhawk

Marvin Moonbat is in the House!

QUESTIONS I’D ASK BUSHITLER IF I WERE A REPORTER AT A PRESS CONFERENCE (By Marvin Moonbat)

Did I ever tell you that I almost majored in Journalism here at EIU?

It’s true. I took a journalism course my freshman year and really loved it. I even tried to get on the staff of the campus newspaper but when I submitted a sample of my writing they returned it marked “incoherent” and “not biased enough.” So I decided to write for the school’s Reality Based newspaper “Counterpoint Punch.” They published three issues before the printing company went all capitalist on us and said he wanted to be paid before they printed another issue. Can you imagine? Here we were manning the barricades of Peace and Justice, fighting against the oppression of the masses and all the printing company could think about was money?

If there’s a better argument against capitalist exploitation, I’ve never heard it.

Anyway, I got to thinking. What if I were one of those White House journalists and I had a chance to ask the Shrub a couple of questions. What would they be?

1. Teresa Heinz-(no longer Kerry) said she believes the electronic voting machines used during the last election were hacked by the President of Diebold Corporation. My first question is are you going to apologize to the American people for stealing the election? And my follow up question is did you ever have sex with Jeff Gannon?

2. Given that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq and that our undeclared and illegitimate aggression against Saddam Hussien has resulted in the deaths of thousands of people you call “terrorists,” are you ready to apologize to the American people for turning the United States into a world pariah? My follow up question is do you deny that Karl Rove had sex with Jeff Gannon?

3. Since you took office, you’ve ripped up the Constitution, spat on the Declaration of Independence, and made the United States into a fascist state. Are you going to apologize to the American people for taking away their liberties? A follow-up question would be did you ever snort coke, smoke grass, pop ‘ludes, drop acid, or shoot heroin?

4. We currently have 135,000 troops in Iraq. Would you please tell the Iraqi people and the brave Iraqi minutemen who are fighting against your illegal and unjustified occupation when exactly those troops are coming home? My follow-up is are you going to apologize to the the American people for smirking all the time?

5. Since it’s common knowledge you went AWOL while in the National Guard, would you be willing to go to Iraq and finish fulfilling your obligation to the government? My follow up is how did Karl Rove slip those fake but accurate documents to Dan Rather and are you going to apologize to the American people for that?

6. Have you ever cheated on Laura. If so, why haven’t you disclosed this and will you apologize to the American people for keeping this from them?

7. When you were a child, did you ever tear the heads off grasshoppers? Did you ever use a magnifying glass to kill ants and will you apologize to the American people for it?

8. Is there anything you’ve ever done in your life that you’re so embarrassed about you don’t want to tell us for fear it would ruin your political career and perhaps even get you impeached? Will you apologize to the American people for not telling us about this sooner?

This one’s from Chloe:

9. Given your desire to strip American women of every right and privilege they’ve fought for since this country began including the right to kill their unborn babies whenever they want to, would you call yourself anti-woman or are you just another in a long line of oppressors who seek to keep women barefoot and pregnant to be used as sex objects whenever the filthy male chauvinist pigs want to rape us and call it “lovemaking?” Oh…and are you going to apologize to the American people for this attitude?

Good one Chloe!

Well, we’ve got to run. We’re going to a demonstration against the Young Repugnuts. Somehow, they got permission to use the auditorium for a meeting. We plan on infiltrating the meeting and shouting down anyone who disagrees with us.

Free speech can be fun sometimes!