Christmas is a great time for gag gifts. My own predilections tend more towards the scatological types. There’s nothing like a whoopee cushion to really embarrass someone at a party. I tried this one on my obsessive compulsive ex-wife. After nearly swooning with angst about her ruined carpet, she smiled a tight lipped little smile and swore she’d get even.

She put a live snake in in my sleeping bag while we were camping in the Smokey Mountains.

Then there are some gag gifts that say more than they’re intended to say:

“There are those who insist that smart American travelers should stow their Yankee identity and simply pretend they’re Canadians to ensure safe passage overseas.”

“New Mexico-based T-Shirt King, in fact, is offering a “Going Canadian” kit for $25 that includes a T-shirt emblazoned with the Canadian flag and the phrase “O Canada,” a matching maple leaf patch for luggage, a window sticker, lapel pin and a little guide called “How to Speak Canadian, Eh?”

According to the owner, Lisa Broadbent, the kits are “flying off the shelves.” She’s also getting calls from both Canadians and Americans:

“Some of the Canadians are thrilled by the idea. Others are offended, because they don’t want what they call ‘rude’ Americans disguising themselves as Canadians,” Mrs. Broadbent said. “The Americans say if you’re not proud to be an American, then go pack your bags and move to Canada.”

My sentiments exactly. And it brings up something that’s been puzzling me for years about Europeans.

Why do they care so much about what the United States does in the world?

I mean, it’s not like we meddle in European politics or try to subvert the governments of France, Germany, Belgium, Holland, or tiny Luxemburg (even though a couple of those governments may in fact deserve a little subverting.) And it’s not like we have huge armies poised on the European frontier ready to pounce on some poor, unsuspecting, peace-loving nation who only wants national health care for its citizens and the freedom to practice euthanasia on babies who won’t contribute to society.

What is it then?

P.J. O’Rourke likens the attitudes of foreigners towards America to that of a 14 year old boy infatuated with an 18 year old girl. The 14 year old boy does all kinds of things to try and get the older girl to notice him to no avail. In desperation, the boy starts to tease and ridicule the girl in public, trying to get the girl’s attention. In the end, he hates the girl and despises her for not returning his affections.

A simplistic explanation but containing a whiff of truth. By and large, Americans just don’t care very much what Europeans think of us. John Kerry’s campaign slogan “Making America respected again” (as if the Euroweenies ever had anything but contempt for anything American) did not resonate with the majority. This must drive the Eurosluts batty. And it just proves a comeback line I’ve been using for years when foreigners start in on trashing the United States:

“The only Europeans who understand America aren’t Europeans any more…they’re Americans.”

Face it…The Europeans have a simplistic, over generalized, exaggerated, contemptuous view of America and its people. It’s also time to face the fact that there’s absolutely nothing we can do to change that attitude short of acting and becoming just like them.

And that’s something that a bunch of dead, white, (former) European males set out to prevent in Philadelphia at the Constitutional Convention 218 years ago. They made a conscious, rational decision to break with any and all things European and set up something new—a constitutional republic based on the rule of law, not the rule of kings.

UPDATE: TOP TEN WAYS TO CONVINCE A STRANGER YOU’RE ACTUALLY CANADIAN

Ace has a hilarious take on the kit with some cautionary bromides for us poor, ignorant Americans:

“Try to get in the mindset of living your life as an insignificant ice-peon of an irrelevant frostberg.”

Read it all…it’s a stitch.

UPDATE: WELCOME “ACE OF SPADES” READERS

Welcome to all “Ace of Spades” visitors. Thanks to Ace for the link. And please blogroll me…be glad to return the favor if you post your address in the comments.