Well, I’ve written it once and checked it twice…And we ALL know who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Here’s a few suggestions for all you Secret Santa’s out there who may have drawn the name of someone who’s IMPOSSIBLE to buy for:

GEORGE BUSH: A loyal opposition (emphasis on the word “loyal)

DICK CHENEY: A cat. Everyone knows cats help lower blood pressure and give one a general feeling of well being. In fact, I have a working theory on this phenomenon. Since the purring of cats seems to have a soothing effect on people, it should be obvious that, at some point in the distant past, humans were in fact, closely related to cats on the evolutionary tree. We split off from the cat line when ancient felines realized we were the perfect species to boss around, feed and clean up after their messes, and make ourselves look like complete idiots when doting on their strangeness and otherworldliness.

SADDAM HUSSEIN : A “hot shot.” Or better yet, a little bit of the same treatment he handed out to his countrymen. Like Hitler, Saddam preferred to hang his opponents using piano wire.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: The Bee Gees – Their Greatest Hits: The Record :...played continuously, day and night, in the general area where they think he may be hiding, using those “industrial strength” speakers our guys used to flush out Manuel Noriega after the war in Panama. A couple of days of listening to the most annoyingly cloying music in Christendom and OBL will run screaming in anguish to the nearest Marine checkpoint to give himself up.

SENATOR HARRY REID: A crowbar to help him to remove his foot from his mouth.

MICHAEL MOORE: Half a brain…which would double his capacity.

RALPH NADER: A vintage 1965 Ford Pinto in mint condition.

JOHN KERRY: A year’s subscription to American Windsurfer and a $100 gift card for Banana Republic,

TERESA HEINZ KERRY: One last name, damnit.

JOHN EDWARDS: : The anonymity he so richly deserves.

MY BELOVED BEARS: An offense, a defense, a professional quarterback, and an end to the madness!

SIGNIFICANT OTHERHAWK: A man deserving of your love and loyalty.

I’m sure you have your own suggestions…let me know and I’ll post them.