It’s Friday at the House which can mean only one thing: The weekly visit of Marvin Moonbat!
LIBERTARIANS AND PROGRESSIVES UNITE! (By Marvin Moonbat)
I’ve got a pretty good friend here at EIU named George Weaselhead. George considers himself a libertarian and I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how much we agree on many of the more important political issues of the day. So much so, that I recently made a suggestion that we sit down and compare our positions just to see how much we have in common. Believe you me, I was pretty shocked. I always thought that libertarians were just wingnuts without the courage of their convictions. Now I see that they’re actually liberals without the courage of their convictions.
This makes a big difference.
First of all, for me personally, there’s the issue of the legalization of certain drugs. I was amazed that libertarians agree I should be able to ingest, smoke, shoot, snort, or pop any old controlled substance to my heart’s content. At first, it kinda worried me that even some wingnuts were in favor of this. That is, until I realized the winguts were only worried about our overburdened court system. True progressives are for getting high because it’s the right thing to do and the consequences be damned. I mean, I’m not for allowing kids or anything to drop acid or smoke crack. But if someone, say over 15 years of age, wants to get high and have a little fun, why should the government want to put us in jail?
Then there’s the fact that both us progressives and libertarians can’t stand the religious nutcases in this country. For myself, I just don’t understand these Christians. All of this kneeling and praying…and in public no less! I mean, if you’re going to do all that kowtowing to an imaginary Supreme Being, at least have the common courtesy to do it behind closed doors. Preferably in basements and cellars where there’s no possibility their superstitious nonsense can be seen by anybody. Imagine my surprise in finding out that libertarians mostly agree with that. We’re both very concerned about a religious takeover of government in this country. I mean look what happened to that country that’s right next to Iraq…sounds just like Iraq except it’s not. Um…oh yeah, it’s Iran! They got those relginuts over there too. And libertarians are on the progressive’s side when it comes to keeping the Christians down and bottled up.
And what about saving the First Amendment. A lot of those Jesus freaks go ape whenever someone’s naked tush is shown on TV or when someone says “shit” or something. Libertarians believe that you should be able to say or do anything over the air on TV or radio. Personally (and don’t tell Chloe) but I’d like to see a lot more of Terri Hatcher. She’s the bomb, if you know what I mean.
There are all sorts of issues libertarians and liberals agree on. We agree that a woman should be able to get an abortion anywhere and for any reason. We agree that the ACLU has got to protect us from religinuts wanting to pollute our culture with the symbols of their god, like at Christmas. In short, it’s truly amazing how much liberals and libertarians agree on.
I suggested to George that he come to a demonstration against this repugnut columnist who’s going to speak on campus this week. It’s going to be great! We plan on throwing a pie right in the a-hole’s face. Isn’t that a scream? George, however was pretty wishy-washy about the idea. Come to think of it, George is pretty wishy-washy about a lot of things. He says he’s “an objectivist” whatever the hell that is. He says he has to think really, really hard about an issue before he decides whether he’s for it or against it. And he says that even after thinking really, really hard about something, he sometimes just can’t make up his mind. He says it’s too hard. He thinks there are too many points of view to consider.
He’s actually kind of a whiner…reminds me of my little sister sometimes.
So after thinking about it a little bit, I decided that George just isn’t cut out for the progressive lifestyle. He just won’t commit to anything.
Come to think of it, Chloe says the same thing about me all the time. I wonder what she means by that?