Columnist Kersh Kuntzman is a piece of work.

It’s not often that I sputter so much after reading something that my monitor requires a thorough cleaning. But after reading Mr. Kuntzman’s column in Newsweek regarding the recent spate of attacks on conservative speakers on college campuses in which he gleefully celebrates these assaults as a crime in which the victim “deserved” to be assailed, I realized that spitting wasn’t enough. If it had been my old monitor, I would have emptied some other bodily fluid on the screen to register my disgust with this vainglorious lickspittle’s celebration of mayhem and the stifling of free speech. As it was, I settled for leaving the monitor alone and almost punching a fist-sized hole in my living room wall.

The schedule of lecturers on college campuses around the country has begun reading like the police blotter: Conservative author Ann Coulter—hit by a pie tossed by two attackers last year. Conservative editor William Kristol—hit by an ice cream pie at a Quaker college in Indiana in March. Really conservative guy Pat Buchanan hit by salad dressing two days later. Liberal-turned-conservative author David Horowitz—hit by a chocolate cream pie a few days after that.

It’s disgusting, isn’t it? The salad dressing, I mean. Everyone knows that salad dressing is simply not an effective medium for expressing dissent. But pie on the other hand…

This fella is just too cute by half. It’s a shame that Mr. Kuntface doesn’t have the guts to come out my way and give a lecture. Other things can go in pies besides fruit or cream…and the horse that lives next door is owned by a Republican.

The last few days have seen the predictable lament that the pie-throwers represent the worst thing about democracy—people so inarticulate that the only way they can counter such toxic thinkers as Coulter is to seize the moral low ground by trying to curtail their free speech.

That is far too simple an argument. Throwing a pie at someone who deserves it is one of the most celebrated traditions in our so-called culture.

Now that’s odd. The “predictable lament” that Mr. Dickman talks about is one explanation that I haven’t heard from liberals or conservatives. Gee…ya think he just sort of, you know, made it up out of whole cloth? And calling Ann Coulter’s thinking “toxic” shows a jealosy unbecoming of a professional journalist; even toxic thoughts are better than having no thoughts at all.

To prove that Mr. Kunttwaddle doesn’t have brain cell active enough in his cranium to ask the time of day, he interviews a relic from the 1970’s, one Aron Kaye who I guess is sort of a legend among the tie-dyed and now greying members of the old/new left that conducted a reign of terror with their pie throwing (and bomb throwing) back in the 1970’s. But hey! As long as they “deserved” it…:

I called Soupy Sales, who has received an estimated 20,000 pies in his career, and was surprised to hear that a man who spent his whole life honing this slapstick routine did not object to this overt politicization of the pie.

“It’s OK as long as you’re hitting someone who deserves it,” Sales said. “Nixon would have been perfect. As long as it’s funny, it can be political.”

Kay agreed: “Pieing is an essential tool for deflating the pomposity of these politicians and commentators. I considered myself a defender of justice. But believe me, I still have a list of people who need to be pied.”

To even say “I considered myself a defender of justice” without blinking an eye at the irony bespeaks a breathtaking kind of leftist hubris that still surprises me to this day. And for Mr. Kuntwoman to not remark on it says even more.

Here’s more “cutey pie” thoughts from Mr. Kuntzman:

Clearly, throwing a pie at a lecturer is anathema to serious debate. But what’s worse is the quality of pie-throwing today. Coulter was barely grazed. A PETA pie-hurler a few years ago hit Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman in the back (the back!). Horowitz had more pie on his shirt than on his face. Perhaps, the pie itself is the culprit.

The moonbat then delves into the “art” of pie throwing (or is it the science?). He discovers that certain pies are better than others for throwing. To prove his point, he actually gets a dingbat named Shenk to act as his guinea pig. The reason I call him a dingbat is his reaction to having pies thrown in his face:

When we compared notes, Shenk felt no humiliation. “In fact, being hit by a pie is liberating,” he said. “Before the pie, a lecturer like myself is being judged—by the audience, by himself. Everyone is wondering ‘Who is this guy? Who died and made him an authority on anything.’ But once the pie hits, suddenly, there’s this swelling of support for the speaker. The pie breaks the tension.” (even Horowitz admitted that “after the pie, I probably did have some of the crowd’s sympathy.”

I don’t quite know what to say to something like that, do you? I mean, what kind of wootsucker actually enjoys being hit by a pie? I guess there’s no accounting for the stupidity and cluelessness of some people.

Finally, Kuntzman has a warning for people who disagree with him:

For my part, I learned an even more valuable lesson: If you’re going to be conservative and lecture on a college campus, bring a change of clothes.

It says on this intellectual thug’s website that he’s a “humorist.” Perhaps in later columns we can get more examples of his wit. Maybe he can write a column on how women “deserve” to be raped for wearing provacative clothing or perhaps victims of muggings who merit getting the crap beaten out of them because they were out alone after dark.

I’m sure someone with this pudknocker’s talent can come up with something witty to say about those subjects.