Marvin is in the House!

HOW KARL ROVE ELECTED THE POPE (By Marvin Moonbat)

You probably heard that the Catholic people elected a new Pope, which is okay. I mean I’m not anti-Catholic or anything even though I thought the last guy they had in there was kind of a wacko. You don’t think so? Let me explain.

First of all, anyone who thinks there’s a God is sort of a loon anyway. But that’s just my opinion. I’m not anti-religious; being a tolerant, broad minded progressive its against my nature to belittle people for their beliefs. But anyone who thinks that they’re God’s representative on earth just isn’t playing with a full deck. If God wanted a representative here on earth, it certainly wouldn’t be someone from Poland and it definitely wouldn’t be a conservative. Not that I’m anti-Polish either, it being against my nature to belittle someone for their ethnic background. But, c’mon. Let’s get real. A Pole?. Don’t get me wrong. My mother had a Polish cleaning lady and she was great, except she couldn’t speak English very well. This led her to do some weird stuff like instead of cleaning the dishes, she’d clean the fish tank. It drove my mother nuts. We finally had to let her go because, being Polish we were sure she was stealing the silverware.

So this Polish conservative Pope not only was anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, anti-progressive in every way possible, he was also good buddies with our now dead but not lamented ex-President Reagan. Thought he was a cool guy and helped bring down the progressive socialist governments in eastern Europe. I ask you, how is socialism ever going to get a foothold in this country if we don’t support the governments that reflect our core values of progressive enlightened, leadership. Yes, they could have had elections and all that democracy crap. But they had the right idea with a few intelligent people telling the unintelligent what was best for them. This is the beating heart of progressive thought; we know what’s best so shut up and get back to work.

Anyway, this John Paul guy dies and the media has wall to wall coverage of this Catholic stuff. That’s all that was on for about a week. What about equal time for the other religions? What about the Muslim response? They could have given Osama bin Laden a half hour to rebut all that Catholic crap. That would only be fair, ya know. Or, they could have had some coverage of some other non-Catholic stuff like that Church out in New Mexico that wants to import hallucinogenic tea for their religious ceremonies. Maybe I’ll have to look into joining that Church. Sounds like they have the right idea about “seeing God.”

So I was talking about this with my friend Howie and he came up with this theory that makes perfect sense to me. He proves beyond a reasonable doubt that Karl Rove was the mover and shaker behind the scenes that got this Pope Benedict the 16th guy elected.

The first piece of evidence is a no-brainer. The new Pope is German, right? Well, it turns out when he was a kid he was in the Hitler Youth. He’s a Nazi! And since everyone knows that Rove is a Nazi, it just makes sense to connect the dots. They probably met at a some secret Nazi party meeting that no one knows anything about. At least that’s Howie’s hypothesis.

Second, there’s the smoke issue. I’m not really up on these things but I guess after every vote all the Cardinals took, if it didn’t result in a new Pope being elected, they’d burn damp straw with the ballots so that black smoke would rise from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel. The day the Pope was elected, a lot of media people were reporting that, at first, they saw black smoke coming from that chimney. Then after a while, it turned white. Sound familiar? Yes, you guessed it. That’s exactly like the exit polls from last November’s Presidential election! At first it looked like John Kerry would win in a landslide and then, suddenly we had Ohio, Florida, and a lot of other states magically switching from Kerry to Bush. Only Karl Rove could manipulate the straw so that it would burn white.

Howie thinks that once that happened, the Cardinals panicked and decided they had to pick someone, so why not the #2 guy in the whole Vatican? They figured he’s old so he’ll probably die soon and then they can pick another Pope, a progressive Pope – one that the people want. This makes perfectly good sense to me since, when you think about it, what this Pope is saying is that being a Catholic is hard. What the people want is a Pope who’ll make things easier. So obviously, a progressive Pope would be the people’s choice.

Finally, Rove probably infiltrated the gathering of Cardinals to swing the vote his way. How do we know this? Well, we know how secret this White House is. By that I mean, when was the last time you heard the White House tell us anything about our plans to capture Osama or how we’re going to respond if China invades Taiwan or any other military secret that the people have a right to know? Well, the guys at the White House have nothing on these guys in the red robes in the Vatican. They obviously learned how to keep secrets from Rove. Howie thinks that Rove may have even disguised himself in a Cardinal outfit and gone there himself. I wouldn’t put it past him.

Well, that’s it for today. Chloe and I are going to a demonstration tomorrow in support of free speech. We’re going to a meeting of the College Republicans group so we can shout them down. It should be fun.