Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA), long time liberal spokesman and noted underwater driving enthusiast was arrested today and charged with Impersonating an American Citizen. The action came after Kennedy published an incoherent fantasy celebrating the one year anniversary of the revelations of prisoner hazing and mistreatment at Abu Ghraib.
Kennedy spokesman Mark Smith called the charges “outrageous” and promised to prove that Kennedy is, in fact, a loyal American citizen.
“We haven’t said anything that hasn’t been printed in al Jazeera.” Smith said. “And our statements on the matter mirror very closely the opinions of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi . What more proof do you need?” he added.
Zarqawi is wanted by American authorities in Iraq for numerous bombings and beheadings. He could not immediately be reached for comment.
In addition to Kennedy’s statement that experts say shows evidence of a degenerative brain disorder brought about by many years of alchohol and drug abuse as well as high caloric intake and a hormonal imbalance from an overactive sex drive, the Senator sponsored other Abu Ghraib anniversary activities that are currently under investigation, including:
1. A re-eneactment of simulated sex acts at the prison with female staff members playing the part of prisoners and Kennedy, a whip in one hand a glass of scotch in the other reportedly urging one staffer to “ride that cowgirl like there’s no tomorrow” while having another aide pouring copious amounts of Wesson Vegetable oil on the naked, writhing bodies of other staffers impersonating the prisoners.
Also on hand were ex-President Bill Clinton, who reportedly was eager to participate in the festivities but was whopped over the head for even suggesting it by his wife, Senator Hillary Clinton who was also present.
2. A game of naked Twister where participants were to hold the most uncomfortable positions imaginable for as long as possible while Kennedy and other participants showered contestants with creme de menthe cocktails and Dramboui.
3. “Bobbing for Iraqi Apples” with Kennedy holding the contestants head under water until they either got an apple or revealed embarassing personal information about themselves. Ex President Clinton declined to participate despite the urging of his wife Hillary who was said to be interested in “What the hell he was doing in Jakarta with the Indonesian Minister of Female Sports (former Supermodel ‘Tuti Fruti’) until 4:00 AM.”
Kennedy was released on $5000 bond and the promise that he would leave the country immediately and return only when he grew up and started acting like an adult who realized there’s a war on and that we’re not involved in a touch football game at Hyannis Port.
While blogging a colloquy on C-Span between Sens. Reid and McConnell regarding the judicial nominations, Michell Malkin reports a suprise. Who should raise his ugly visage to celebrate the Abu Ghraib anniversery? None other than Ted (“I thought cars floated)”) Kennedy. She links to a piece by Arthur Chrenkoff well worth the read.
Also, Ace has the right idea...at least the headline:
Ted Kennedy Celebrates Abu Ghraib Anniversary By Getting Drunk, Removing Pants In Palm Beach Restaurant