Guard: Now, Mr. Terrorist—you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly—two last chances. And you shall be free—three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Terrorist: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Guard: Right! If that’s the way you want it—Guard! Poke him with the soft cushions!

[2nd Guard carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Guard: Confess! Confess! Confess!

2nd Guard: It doesn’t seem to be hurting him, Captain.

Guard: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

2nd Guard: Yes, Captain

Guard [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Guardl Corporal! Fetch…THE COMFY CHAIR!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into the Corporals’ horrified face]

Corporal[terrified]: The…Comfy Chair?

[2nd Guard pushes in a comfy chair—a really plush one]

Guard: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Guard! Put him in the Comfy Chair!

[They roughly push him into the Comfy Chair]

Guard [with a cruel leer]: Now—you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to 2nd Guard] Is that really all it is?

2nd Guard: Yes, Captain.

Guard: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess!

Confess! Confess

2nd Guard: I confess!

Guard: Not you!

**Not really overheard at Gitmo. I’ve taken some liberties with the classic Monty Python skit.

For what really goes on at Gitmo, see this Time Magazine piece on the interrogation logs of the 20th hijacker. As the Captain points out:

The Time report includes mention of the terrible, inhumane methods often alleged by the righteous at Amnesty International and other self-appointed watchdogs of the American military. Readers will be excited to learn of these horror-provoking techniques that Time reveals in its exclusive:

Worst of all, the one method on which Human Rights Watch could nail the US military, is the playing of music by Christina Aguilera as a punishment for non-cooperation. Other than Michael Bolton, which I believe would be an explicit Geneva Convention violation, it’s hard to imagine a crueler torture.

The things they do in our name.

UPDATE

Bill Ardolino brings a welcome change to internet punditry. Instead of overly long, verbose essays that whine, rant, and rage against ideology or issue, Mr. Bill has spared all of us by using what he calls “Minimilist Punditry” to describe his take on the “Comfy Chair” interrogation techniques outlined in the Time article.

I won’t spoil his brilliant analysis by saying anything further, but after reading his to the point screed, return here and go below the fold for an additonal thought.

That’s right. It’s our thuggish hero Jack Bauer of “24” fame weeping. As I recall, Jack cried exactly 3 times in 4 years (That’s twice more than I cried in the last 4 years and my excuse was watching the Disney channel as they played “Old Yeller.”)

That particular crying jag appears to be from Season II after he believed that his daughter had been killed. Other “24” fans may wish to correct me but I think he got that news at night which would explain the background of the picture.

It’s been less than a month and I already miss Jack.