Hi! My name is Daryl and I’ll be your Personal US Disaster Relief Associate. If you’d like, you can call me your PUD.

I work for the Department of Homeland Security in the Personal Service System (PISS). We were created because so many Americans were unhappy with the federal response to disasters lately and it was felt that as long was we were going to be blamed for errors made by incompetent local officials and the fact that natural disasters are just that – acts of God (or “acts of nature” for those of you who don’t believe in God) where government services breakdown due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, we might as well solve the problem by giving all 275 million Americans their very own PUD.

As your PUD, it will be my responsibility to make sure that if you are ever in a hurricane, earthquake, typhoon, tsunami, tornado, flood, or any other natural disaster, I will be there to take care of you. If you’re stranded during a flood, I promise that you will never suffer the pangs of hunger or thirst as I will see to it that within 3 hours, water and food are precision air dropped from C-130 cargo planes directly on top of your house.

As for the indignity of having to answer the “call of nature” without access to proper facilities, your government has been hard at work in developing a collapsible port-a-potty that you’ll be able to set up anywhere at a moments notice. Every American will be issued one of these little gems from our Catastrophic Relief Asset Program (Personal) or CRAP’s so that you won’t have to deal with those horrible smells that come from backed up toilets in shelters.

In fact, if you are stuck in a shelter, we promise to make your stay as interesting as possible. We have contracted with some of the top entertainers in the country to perform round-the-clock shows to keep you amused so that you won’t go blabbing to newspeople about what a horrible job we’re doing. So far, we’ve been successful in signing talent like Perry Como, Wayne Newton, The Judds, Lee Greenwood and we’re in serious talks with Kenny Rogers. And for you youngsters, we’ve had initial discussions with MC Hammer and Paula Abdul. With such a winning lineup of stars, I’m sure you’ll have a good time.

If you choose to be a looter during one of these disasters, we have a rather special and innovative program that includes both legal representation and a pamphlet that lists various excuses you might give to the police for what in normal times would be considered outrageously illegal behavior. For instance, say you’re caught with a flat screen TV when coming out a Wal-Mart. No problem! Just use excuse #30-A in your pamphlet that states “But officer! I need this flat screen so that we can have a clean place to eat our MRE’s off of.” If that doesn’t work, accuse the policeman of callousness and indifference to you and your family’ s plight and hope you can shame him into letting you go. Or, you can always say that you just “found it.” In a pinch, just say you’re a New Orleans policeman.

Of course, my main job is to see that you get your fair share of federal goodies that are doled out in the aftermath of any natural disaster. Did you live in a shabby, one room apartment that was destroyed in the disaster? How does a 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath split level sound to you?

And don’t forget, you will be authorized to receive a Platinum Mastercard and that debit card with the $180,000 limit. Of course, all expenditures should go to rebuilding your shattered life but hey! Who’s watching? Certainly not the Congress.

I hope this puts your mind at ease. More importantly, I hope that if you ever are in a natural or man-made disaster that you slap a smile on your face and say nothing but good things about us here at the Department of Homeland Security when talking to the press. It sure would make our lives easier if we didn’t have to deal with all these questions from reporters who are “stuck on stupid.”

Sincerely,