Got this in the snail mail yesterday. Don’t quite know what to make of it except to say I’m not surprised given how much people are complaining about the response of the federal government to the recent hurricanes.
Greetings from the President:
Hi! My name is Daryl and I’ll be your Personal US Disaster Relief Associate. If you’d like, you can call me your PUD.
I work for the Department of Homeland Security in the Personal Service System (PISS). We were created because so many Americans were unhappy with the federal response to disasters lately and it was felt that as long was we were going to be blamed for errors made by incompetent local officials and the fact that natural disasters are just that – acts of God (or “acts of nature” for those of you who don’t believe in God) where government services breakdown due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, we might as well solve the problem by giving all 275 million Americans their very own PUD.
As your PUD, it will be my responsibility to make sure that if you are ever in a hurricane, earthquake, typhoon, tsunami, tornado, flood, or any other natural disaster, I will be there to take care of you. If you’re stranded during a flood, I promise that you will never suffer the pangs of hunger or thirst as I will see to it that within 3 hours, water and food are precision air dropped from C-130 cargo planes directly on top of your house.
As for the indignity of having to answer the “call of nature” without access to proper facilities, your government has been hard at work in developing a collapsible port-a-potty that you’ll be able to set up anywhere at a moments notice. Every American will be issued one of these little gems from our Catastrophic Relief Asset Program (Personal) or CRAP’s so that you won’t have to deal with those horrible smells that come from backed up toilets in shelters.
In fact, if you are stuck in a shelter, we promise to make your stay as interesting as possible. We have contracted with some of the top entertainers in the country to perform round-the-clock shows to keep you amused so that you won’t go blabbing to newspeople about what a horrible job we’re doing. So far, we’ve been successful in signing talent like Perry Como, Wayne Newton, The Judds, Lee Greenwood and we’re in serious talks with Kenny Rogers. And for you youngsters, we’ve had initial discussions with MC Hammer and Paula Abdul. With such a winning lineup of stars, I’m sure you’ll have a good time.
If you choose to be a looter during one of these disasters, we have a rather special and innovative program that includes both legal representation and a pamphlet that lists various excuses you might give to the police for what in normal times would be considered outrageously illegal behavior. For instance, say you’re caught with a flat screen TV when coming out a Wal-Mart. No problem! Just use excuse #30-A in your pamphlet that states “But officer! I need this flat screen so that we can have a clean place to eat our MRE’s off of.” If that doesn’t work, accuse the policeman of callousness and indifference to you and your family’ s plight and hope you can shame him into letting you go. Or, you can always say that you just “found it.” In a pinch, just say you’re a New Orleans policeman.
Of course, my main job is to see that you get your fair share of federal goodies that are doled out in the aftermath of any natural disaster. Did you live in a shabby, one room apartment that was destroyed in the disaster? How does a 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath split level sound to you?
And don’t forget, you will be authorized to receive a Platinum Mastercard and that debit card with the $180,000 limit. Of course, all expenditures should go to rebuilding your shattered life but hey! Who’s watching? Certainly not the Congress.
I hope this puts your mind at ease. More importantly, I hope that if you ever are in a natural or man-made disaster that you slap a smile on your face and say nothing but good things about us here at the Department of Homeland Security when talking to the press. It sure would make our lives easier if we didn’t have to deal with all these questions from reporters who are “stuck on stupid.”
Sincerely,
Daryl
11:56 am
That my friend is awesome! LMAO
12:05 pm
New DHS Department
I LOVE IT!
Courtesy of Right Wing Nut House…
12:34 pm
Actually it’s not that farfetched. La Blaco had a press conference last Satuday asking the Feds for a billion, yes that’s right 1,000,000,000 USD, for guides to help Louisiana citizens to get every last dime that’s coming to them from the Fema/disaster recovery teat. Nothing like buying an election with OPM in Hueyland.
12:47 pm
This is not far from what liberals would like to do. Obviously this is meant as satire and it is hilarious!! What liberals actually want to do is impossible.
9:39 pm
If your PUD is reassigned, has the DHS therefore pulled your PUD?
10:30 am
I watched live news for one full week and I have discovered that Barbara Bush is the only one with a pinch of realism. Welfare recipients will do absolutely anything to better their lives except take birth control or break a sweat working. It took hundreds times the effort to whine about their mistreatment than to walk out of New Orleans on foot; or for heavens sake leave before Katrina hit. I am a single mom who worked three jobs and attended school full time after my divorce to build a stable and secure life. And ya, we were hungry, hot in the summer,and cold in the winter, but what we have now is ours because we earned it. Its called independence. Along the way we picked up pride, self confidence, strength, coping skills, self control, opinions backed by experience, and the ability to appreciate the important things in life; none of which are material. Maybe I am wierd, I don’t know, but I just live life by the example my father set before me. He was, I believe the last remaining MAN alive. Thank God he never helped me in the least financially. He felt his life guywires and my hard work were a better investment. They were.