WHITE SOX RIGHT FIELDER JERMAINE DYE TURNS AWAY FROM A PITCH BY ASTROS RELIEVER DAN WHEELER. THE BALL GLANCED OFF DYE’S BAT BUT THE UMPIRE RULED IT HIT THE SOX BATTER AND AWARDED HIM FIRST LOADING THE BASES FOR PAUL KONERKO WHOSE GRAND SLAM HOMER GAVE THE SOX A TEMPORARY TWO RUN LEAD IN THE 7TH INNING

Once every year when the dogwoods bloom and the snows on the Holy Mound of Mounds have melted to reveal the Sacred Slab, the Gods of Baseball wake from their winter slumber and gather to decide which team will win the World Series.

These past couple of years, the Gods have been busy. Or drunk. If so, they’ve been doin’ some thinkin’drinkin’ because the turn of the New Millennium has seen some of the most unlikely World Series Champs imaginable.

Starting in 2000 with the first “subway series” in more than a generation, the hated Yankees defeated the nearly-as-hated Mets in a battle of teams who believe that New York is the center of the universe. The Gods witnessed this hubris and were mightily displeased, cursing the Mets by making them acquire high-priced free agents that turned into busts like Carlos Beltran and hexing the Yankees and their fans by allowing them to make it to the World Series twice in the next four years only to be buried by inferior National League teams.

One of those teams, the Arizona Diamondbacks defeated the 2001 Yanks in seven games on a broken bat line drive single by Luis Gonzalez the wasn’t hit hard enough to make a dent in the outfield grass. The D’Backs had two of the best pitchers of this or any other generation in Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling and not much else which only goes to prove that when the Gods are on your side, nothing else much matters.

The same could be said for the 2002 Champs, the Anaheim-LA Angles who still can’t make up their minds about what to call the team after 30 years but who have something the White Sox don’t have – a recent World Series title. The Gods, being the mischief makers they are, have since sentenced the Angels to the illusion that they can win another World Series without David Eckstein.

More heavenly tomfoolery in 2003 occurred when the Florida Marlins won their second World Series title in less than 10 years by defeating those Yanks. This gives the Marlins exactly the same number of World Series Championships as the Cubs, the difference being the Marlins have been in the league only since 1993 while the Cubs have been playing baseball in Chicago almost since Mrs. O’Leary’s cow kicked over the lamp in the barn that started the Chicago Fire. The Gods love Florida because they like to vacation in Palm Springs during the winter where they sit by the pool and drink Cuba Libres and then play shuffleboard with the old folks in the afternoon. (They disguise themselves as tourists from Rio).

No such favoritism was shown the Boston Red Sox by the Baseball Deities for the longest time. It seems that when the God’s only begotten son, the great Babe Ruth, was sent down to show the locals what the game was really all about, he was badly mistreated by the then owner of the Bosox Henry Frazee. The Babe, one of the greatest pitchers in the history of baseball, was sold to the Yankees in 1919 for the sum of $100,000 and a loan for $350,000. To understand what an unbelievable amount of money that was at the time, President Wilson was pulling down $25,000 a year while trying to embroil the United States in the grubby power politics of Europe following World War I. For that, Mr. Wilson was soundly chastised by the Senate who refused to ratify US entry into an even more hopelessly idealistic and corrupt organization than the United Nations – the so-called League of Nations. Not quite as wholesome as the American and National Leagues plus they had players who couldn’t hit straight fast balls to save their lives but were very adept at throwing curves.

Frazee wanted the money to finance Broadway shows. The people of New York showed their gratitude for giving them the greatest baseball player in history in their usual effusive manner; they refused to attend any of the shows he so lavishly produced thus causing his bankruptcy, early retirement and death at the age of 48 in 1929.

Those whom the Gods destroy, they first make into laughingstocks.

But something happened when the Gods met on The Holy Mound of Mounds last year before the 2004 season. They apparently decided that enough was enough as far as the Red Sox were concerned and lifted the curse that had plagued the club since 1919. Besides, they saw ratings for their fair game falling like a stone and, having just added the God of Marketing to their little club, felt that it was good for the game to have a heart-tugging storyline that featured 90-something seniors weeping like infants when the Red Sox finally triumphed. And the nice touch of absolutely destroying Yankee fans by allowing the Pinstripers to go up 3 games to none in the LCS only to see the Carmines come back and take the series by winning 4 straight must have been enormously satisfying to the God of Records. He not only hates the Yankees for having so many of his precious “bests” and “firsts” and “mosts” but also because of the attention paid to New York sports franchises by the national media, especially the god-like network ESPN (Eastcoast Sports Please Network).

But the Gods had a problem going into 2005. How do you top 2004? They not only decided to tap the God of Destiny on the shoulder and send him to sit in the Chicago White Sox dugout all year long, it appears that they also decided to finally reveal themselves to unbelievers by causing a rash of events in the playoffs where divine intervention would be the only way to explain the simple, dumb, luck experienced by the formerly hapless Pale Hose.

The most recent revelatory episode occurred in last night’s 7-6 White Sox victory. With the Chisox trailing 4-2 in the bottom of the seventh inning, men on first and second, two out, and Jermaine Dye at the plate, a sudden gust of wind blew dirt in the home umpire’s ears and allowed a foul ball tipping off the bat of the White Sox right fielder to make the exact same sound as a ball hitting human flesh. The fact that the two sounds share absolutely no similarities means that the only possible explanation for the umpire’s error was divine intervention.

What happened next was to be expected, given how the baseball deities have taken such an active interest in helping the Chisox this fall. Paul Konerko sent the first pitch from brand new pitcher Chad Qualls on a line into the seats in left for a Grand Slam homer.

The fact is, you can talk all you want to about the bad calls and lucky breaks of the Sox this playoff year. But those events would be simple footnotes in history without the Sox taking advantage of them and making the best of them. Also, beware if you utter such nonsense and you live in a town with a professional baseball franchise. The Gods are listening and will brook no opposition to their decisions.

That said, the rest of the game was far from predictable. Phenom Bobby Jenks appeared to be human after all when he gave up two runs in the ninth and allowed the Astros to tie the score. Jenks suffered from a low strike zone being called by home plate umpire Jeff Nelson. To be effective, Jenks needs to throw high strikes. Otherwise, Major League hitters have little problem getting to his fastball especially when it’s below the belt. When batters can use gravity as an assist in speeding up their bats, power pitchers are in trouble.

The Gods had one more shock in store for fans when they gave Sox left fielder Scott Podsednik temporary rights to Babe Ruth’s ability. Pods slammed a ball into the right field seats to win the game and send the Sox to Houston with a 2-0 series lead.

All the signs point to a White Sox series win in Houston. But perhaps the Gods will take pity on the Astros and give them a couple of wins in front of their long suffering fans. With two of the classiest players in the game – Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell – the Astros deserve to shine a little before their own folks.

But judging by how the playoffs have been going for the White Sox, it appears that the Gods of Baseball are already starting to think about how they can top 2005 next year. Perhaps they’ll turn to the North Side of town…

Not a chance.