I don’t link half as often enough to my fellow Illinoisan and satirist extraordinaire Iowahawk but this piece is too good not too:
The New York Times reported today that Polar authorities are engaged in a secret program to conduct warrantless monitoring of private communications and activities among U.S. minors. Anonymous sources within the State Department and Central Intelligence Agency said the program, codename “Operation Coal Lump,” dates as far back as 1879, and recieved approval at the highest echelon of Polar administration, including President Santa Claus himself.
The disclosure of the program sparked an immediate furor among civil libertarian organizations and brats right groups. ACLU spokesman Dan Knaggs said “that chill in the air isn’t December—it’s Big Brother Kriss Kringle unconstitutionally watching, and following, and evaluating your every move.”
Josh Cleland, 9, a spokesboy for the Council For Misbehaving Americans, decried the program as “a looming threat to the economic rights of millions of young Americans, many of whom may be guilty of nothing more than a wedgie or Indian burn of self defense.”
Cleland added that “Stop hitting yourself, retard. Stop hitting yourself, retard.”