Sweeping the internet like a nude picture of Paris Hilton, WWJBD (What Would Jack Bauer Do?) has become the question of the hour.

Hamas in charge? WWJBD.
Democrats mouthing impeachment? WWJBD.
Your next door neighbor letting his dog crap on your lawn? WWJBD.

And so forth.

But what do we really know about Jack Bauer? After all, we only met him 4 days ago, hardly enough time to justify bringing him home to meet the folks. We don’t even know where he was born, what his childhood was like, what flavor of ice cream he prefers, or even the answer to the burning question of whether Jack prefers boxers or briefs.

The answer to the last of course is neither – underwear is for pussies.

Since The House is the place to go for all things 24, I took the liberty of using my CTU issued super secret cell phone – the kind that never needs recharging and has “Blowing Up Terrorists” on speed dial – to give Jack a call and get some basic biographical and personal information from him.

Being the super nice guy that he is, Jack was more than obliging and actually opened up a little to yours truly. There were a couple of questions that he wouldn’t answer (and said in so many words that if I pursued the topic further I’d end up in the CTU holding room. Alone. With him.) but otherwise, he proved to be a rather genial chap with something of a sense of humor:

Q: How many terrorists do you need to paint a wall?

Jack: Depends on how hard I throw them.

Heh…I think.

Any rate, here’s everything you always wanted to know about Jack Bauer but were too terrified to ask.

Born: Kill Devil Hill, NC.

Grew Up: Gun Barrel City, TX

Religion: Druid (Reformed)

Favorite Color: Red (duh!)

Favorite Actor: Charles Bronson

Favorite Movie The Great Escape

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Rocky Road

Favorite Gun: Glock 36

Favorite Method of Torture: Kneecapping or electrified probes (Jack couldn’t decide)

Best Day: “Any day that I get to shoot my gun and kill terrorists.”

Worst Day: “You’re kidding, right?”

Fantasy Female: Sandra Bullock

Fantasy Male: (I think his gun just went off accidentally)

Favorite Group: Guns and Roses

Favorite Sport: Target Practice

Favorite Meal: Chop Suey

Favorite Dessert: Chocolate Bombe

Favorite Vacation Spot: Death Valley

Favorite Cartoon Character: Tasmanian Devil

If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments. I’m sure I’ll be talking to Jack again real soon.

UPDATE

The indefatigable Tom McGuire says “I need a hero.”

UPDATE II

Oh Jesus…I’ve really stepped in it now!

I’ve already gotten two emails and a comment about Jack’s “Favorite Gun.” Evidently my ignorance about firearms has gotten my Second Amendment friends in an uproar.

In my defense, I read on some other site that Jack was carrying a Glock so that’s the only reason I put it down. If I ever revisit that site, you can be sure I’ll pull a Jack Bauer on him and give the guy a good drop kick followed by a karate chop to the throat.