I was all set to write up this week’s Carnival, following my usual routine of brewing a pot of freshly ground Italian Roast coffee and carefully placing two packs of Basic 100 cigarettes next to my Dave Brubeck-Thelonius Monk Jazz Essentials CD case when it hit me: What would Jack Bauer do in some of these situations?
Since Jack is not clueless about anything , this theme will supply what this Carnival has been sorely lacking since its inception; an answer to the obvious question of what else could have been done that would have taken these cluebats off the clueless list.
As Jack has been known to say from time to time, “There are always alternatives.” For this edition of the Carnival then, in addition to highlighting each entrant’s article, an addendum will be added: What Would Jack Bauer Do? (WWJBD?)
At the very least, Jack will be able to teach these morons a thing or two about courage. And loyalty. And perhaps a few novel ways to torture someone.“That’s the problem with people like you. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I’d start rolling up your sleeves.”
“Better get busy Jack. From the looks of this week’s Carnival, you’ve got a lot of work to do.”
Wonder Woman has a real jaw dropper about a nearby institution housing some of Canada’s worst violent criminals under the most minimal security imaginable.
WWJBD? First, Jack would bitchslap the authorities responsible. Then he would break into the prison and pose as a violent criminal in order to keep an eye on the thugs. Many would disappear under mysterious circumstances.
Mark Coffey brings us Senator Kerry’s naked political calculations in his Shang-Ri-La effort to filibuster Judge Alito.
WWJBD? Nothing. Jack doesn’t get in the way of people when they are self-destructing.
XYBA has researched the Restorative Justice Concept (used by the Judge in Vermont to sentence a child rapist to 60 days in jail) and wonders just how clueless one has to be to believe in it.
WWJBD? The only “restorative justice” Jack believes in is the kind where a terrorist is “restored” to Allah.
AJ Strata takes the LA Times to task for some completely clueless editorializing about how the Republicans mythologize the 1960’s for their own political benefit.
WWJBD? Jack doesn’t read newspapers. He hooks himself up to the CTU Mainframe every morning and downloads all the information he needs directly into his cerebellum.
Fred Fry on John Kerry’s planned run for the Presidency: “To bad for Kerry that the majority of those wishing for him to run, are those who plan to vote against him.” Yep.
WWJBD? Jack usually doesn’t care who’s President as long as they let him keep his gun and kill terrorists. Jack will make an exception in Kerry’s case.
Miriam proves that you can tell an author’s age simply by studying how he describes his characters.
WWJBD? Jack is like the old folks in Cocoon: “It’s a place where we never grow old and we’ll never die.”
DL at TMH Bacon Bits begs the Democrats to filibuster Alito.
WWJBD? Jack never begs. Using reverse psychology, Jack will announce that anyone who votes to filibuster Alito will get a bullet in the knee. “When I’m finished with you, you’re gonna wish that you felt this good again. ”
Atlas Shrugs has a photo gallery of some of the most vicious thugs embracing and swapping spit.
WWJBD? One look at the lovely Pamela and Jack would quit CTU, marry her, and settle down in Connecticut commuting every day to New York city where he works as a rare book seller.
Fausta joins the Carnival this week with a post on Castro’s response to our “democracy crawl” that’s visible to most of downtown Havana in the windows of our our consulate.
WWJBD? First, Jack would fix up Fausta’s hair real nice. Second, Jack would have taken care of the commie thug a long time ago.
Minh-Duc has some choice words for the Bush Administration and their plans to cut off funding for Iraq reconstruction.
WWJBD? Notwithstanding his loyalty to the President, Jack would march into the oval office and bash George and Rummy’s heads together to knock some sense into them. As for Condi, Jack doesn’t torture women but may think about dislocating a few of her fingers to get the Secretary to reconsider.
Mensa Barbie rounds up coverage of Mother Sheehan and her love fest with “The Laughing Goat” Hugo Chavez.
WWJBD? Jack would have tried to slap some sense into Sheehan months ago. As for Chavez: “We didn’t bring this crisis on ourselves, but we’ll be the ones to settle it. This is a dirty business and we have to get our hands dirty to clean it up!
Don Surber takes a hard look at GOP Senate candidate John Raese and the fact that he should be calling himself a “West Virfloridaginian” considering his housing situation.
WWJBD? Since Jack can be in two places at the same time, he would have no problems.
Our favorite hippie chick Peace Moonbeam had a blind date with… Well, you’ll have to figure it out. But it was a very important Democratic Senator who drinks Old Grandad – to excess!
WWJBD? Jack, an Old Grandad fan himself, has informed me that he stopped drinking the stuff the minute he heard this guy was drinking the same thing. I told him that wasn’t necessary as the gentleman’s second favorite drink was a “Bloody Mary Jo.”
Buckley F. Williams tells us about the 17 year old boy who won the right to wear a skirt to school.
WWJBD? Jack would embrace the boy and then teach him how to hunt and shoot as well as the best pressure points to use when trying to elicit information from a terrorist suspect. Overcome with an excess of testosterone, the boy would throw away the skirt and start beating up jocks.
Cao continues her coverage of the Jack Idema story highlighting the response of President Karzai to terrorists.
WWJBD? Jack Idema is Jack Bauer’s long lost twin brother. Bauer goes to Afghanistan, frees Idema, and they both tear a bloody swath through SW Asia killing every terrorist they can find.
Van Helsing congratulates Hugh Hewitt for his expert takedown of Cluebat of the Week Joel Stein whose remarks about not respecting the troops enraged not a few of us.
WWJBD? Jack often uses The Slayer to help him with those hard to kill terrorists – the ones like Marwan who seem to have supernatural abilities that help them to escape capture. Jack ignores Klein who he sees correctly as a pimple not worth popping.
Giacomo tells us what he’s doing about a clueless Nike ad that shows 7 year old kids climbing a ladder to dunk a basketball.
WWJBD? Jack doesn’t wear Nike’s to begin with. Everyone knows he wears Keds high tops. Secondly, Jack would kidnap the marketing director for Nike and torture him until the cluebat took the ad off the air.
Kender writes about Lying Leftists and the Lying Lies they Lie.
WWJBD? Jack and Kender make the rounds of Hollywood parties with 10 feet of copper wire, a bucket of water, and a car battery as they try and jolt some sense into the cluebats. Jack doesn’t like liars.
Orac comments on the picture of a pro-choice pregnant woman whose body painting proves how truly clueless she really is.
WWJBD? Since Jack was immaculately conceived, he has no position on abortion.
Adam tries to knock some sense into a clueless lefty who is agitating for an Alito filibuster despite the reality that the GOP has enough votes to confirm him.
WWJBD? Jack gets Chloe to hack the cluebat’s website and place Ronald Reagan quotes in the sidebar.
Kurt at Fly By Night has the details on a communities efforts to rid themselves of some local cluebats who have royally screwed up government.
WWJBD? Jack lets his gun do all his talking.
Those pouncing pachyderms at Elephants in Academia wonder aloud at the cluelessness of the Pentagon press corps.
WWJBD? Jack would drug the coffee of all reporters at the Pentagon making them sleep through their deadline. While they were unconscious, he would steal their hairspray and blue “power ties” so they would be unable to appear on TV.
Holly Aho has the scoop on some cluelessness in the State of Minnesota government who can’t seem to figure out what they should be doing with an illegally collected tax on smokers.
WWJBD? Jack is actually a smoker but THERE’S NO TIME to light up when he’s saving the country from terrorists.
Tom Bowler talks about an apparent Democratic exemption to the ethics rules in Congress.
WWJBD? Jack has a very strict code of ethics: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!”
Dangerous Dan has some thoughts on a clueless poster at Huffpo who sees the mad mullahs in Iran as soft, furry, Ewok like creatures who wouldn’t harm the hair on your head.
WWJBD? Jack wouldn’t wait until the mullahs went nuclear. “You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.”
Jack Cluth tells us about a Hooters opening in Waco that was picketed by the Christian right.
WWJBD? Jack doesn’t mind Hooters as long as they let him bring his gun into the bar.
Beej at the blog Kiss my Sass has some advice for John Kerry yodeling his way to supporting the Alito filibuster.
WWJBD? Jack hates yodeling and would probably have detonated a bomb on Kerry’s ski slope in Davos in order to start an avalanche.
Finally, here’s my post on the Dems de-evolving into a Quivering Pile of Goo.
WWJBD? Nothing. Jack knows I can handle things like this myself.