Fictional presidents don’t usually come off very well in Hollywood. Martin Sheen’s vapid portrayal of Jed Bartlett (Jed? Would America ever vote for a guy named Jed? Or Jeb?) is so off kilter that one wonders how the republic could survive him. And poor Geena Davis. With Hillary plummeting in the polls, it appears that Commander in Chief is headed for that big Nielson graveyard in the sky.

But the Dream Factory does alright when filming portrayals of the real thing. Henry Fonda’s Young Mr. Lincoln is a particularly good example of Hollywood’s fine treatment of a real life President.

Other notable examples of good historical takes on Presidents by Hollywood is Gregory Peck’s Lincoln in The Blue and the Gray miniseries, William Devane as President Kennedy in The Missiles of October, and Ralph Bellamy’s Tony Award winning portrayal of FDR brought to the screen in Sunrise at Campobello.

Without a doubt, my favorite historical treatment of a president is Charlton Heston’s Andrew Jackson in the Yul Brenner classic pirate movie The Buccaneer. Only Heston could have played “Old Hickory” with the kind of larger than life panache that truly captured Jackson’s persona.

But unless Hollywood has a real life character to model, they fail miserably in capturing the essence of the man’s relationship with the office and how time and circumstance affect the decisions made that make history. Because they fail at this, fictional presidents come off as either stilted caricatures like Bill Pullman in Independence Day or insipid liberal whiners like Michael Douglas in The American President.

Then there are times when Hollywood comes up with a gem of a presidential character that fits so perfectly into the plot and the tenor of the show that we are sucked into the drama despite being repulsed by the fictional chief executive. Consider our friend President Charles “Jellyfish” Logan on 24. Has there ever been a wimpier, a more pathetic creature to portray an American President?

I’m sure the writers are having loads of fun writing lines for Logan. Jellyfish is so bad he can easily be called the “anti-President.” Take everything that Americans want and need in a chief executive and turn those qualities 180 degrees in the opposite direction and you end up with Logan. One wonders how he got as far as he did in politics until you think of his wife. Martha Logan, even though she’s as nutty as my Aunt Hilda’s yuletide log, has a clear moral compass and a ton of intestinal fortitude. These are two qualities her simpering husband totally lacks.

I think we should start a write in campaign with Fox to elevate Martha to President. It’s been done before. When Woodrow Wilson had a stroke, his wife Edith took over the day to day tasks of the Presidency. Maybe the writers could make Jellyfish fall into a catatonic state as he freezes up over some big decision. And into the breach steps Martha to save us all.

I like it. Martha for President! Pass the word…

SUMMARY

The pace of the show is quickening noticeably as we catch up with Ivan the Terrorist at their super secret terrorist hideout. We are finally introduced to The Mastermind, the terrorist who will match wits with Jack and CTU for the rest of the show (I think). It will be hard for the writers to top last year’s creepy jihadist Marwan but this fellow appears much more cold blooded as he personally punishes Ivan for getting the Americans angry by showing the doomed thug just how far a three inch blade can be shoved inside a body.

The Mastermind hits back at his American conspirators who double crossed him by taking out Nathanson’s band of traitors one by one. As the terrorists close in, Nathanson beats a hasty retreat.

Fat Hobbit Lynn gets in touch with his junkie sister and asks her to return his CTU magic decoder card. One wonders how he was able to re-enter CTU headquarters last week after getting mugged in the parking lot without the card but thankfully, the writers know that we’re all a bunch of stupid morons and would never notice such a small detail. Is his sister’s low-life boyfriend a part of the plot? Or is he an opportunist who will use his connections in the drug world to seek out the terrorists and sell the card to them? My money is on the latter which means junkie sister is going to find herself kidnapped by the terrorists who won’t hesitate to put pressure on the Fat Hobbit to get CTU to play ball.

Jellyfish gets on the horn to the Fat Hobbit and stomps his foot demanding success. He points out that Lynn is his man and that if he can’t do the job, he’ll get someone who will. The next time that Jellyfish pulls this stunt, I want you to watch Mike Novik’s face and tell me that he’s going to stick it out with Logan for the entire day. Novik will have his fill of this lickspittle and be on his way out, probably sooner rather than later.

The pressure on the Hobbit is intensifying, making him probably wish he was back climbing the steps up to Mount Doom carrying his buddy Frodo. At least he could deal with that kind of heat. What with his sister’s shenanigans and the President’s petulance, the poor Shireling must think his brain is on fire. He tears into his employees at a staff meeting demanding that Jack be brought back in irons and generally makes a total ass of himself. We’ve all had bosses like this guy and the best thing to do when they get like that is stay the hell out of their way.

As Curtis reluctantly arrests Jack, Nathanson calls Audrey. His desire to speak to Jack “off the books” is either just another plot device to get Jack on the run from literally everybody – the terrorists, CTU, and the government – or it’s just as Nathanson says; there are more traitors that have to be ferreted out and dealt with. Later, when Chloe is having trouble with the chip Jack gets from Nathanson, we discover that the information is formatted to be read by a Department of Defense hard drive. Could someone close to Audrey be the traitor? It’s definitely someone in DoD. And of course, Nathanson informs us that “Walt Cummings isn’t the only one behind this operation who works inside government.”

Jack cold cocks Curtis and apologizes profusely as he applies a choke hold that cuts the oxygen off to Curtis’ brain knocking the burly CTU operative out. Thus Curtis follows in a long line of Jack’s partners who too late, discover not only how really dedicated Jack is to the job, but also how very nice he can be when he’s clobbering you.

Here also begins “The Great Hobbit Runaround” as first Audrey, then Chloe, then Bill, and finally most of CTU is helping Jack “off protocol” while the Fat Hobbit frets, steams, and then explodes as the pressure to find the cannisters gets to him. In any other context, it would be great comedy. Except of course, several hundred thousand American lives are at stake not to mention Fox’s continuing efforts to out draw the drunk skiers, crying skaters, crazy snowboarders, and loony lugers on NBC.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jellyfish receives a courtesy call from The Mastermind informing our President that he’s the man the government should now be looking for and oh…by the way, may I please have the motorcade route of the Russian President to the airport as well as any other important security details you can give me?

At first, Jellyfish asks Mike to tell The Mastermind that he can’t come to the phone right now because he’s washing his hair: “I-I-I-I’m not talking to a t-t-t-terrorist. You talk to him. Y-Y-Y-ou find out what he w-w-w-w-wants.” Mike disgustedly hands the phone to Jellyfish reminding him (and the rest of us) that yes, he is in fact President of the United States and that the terrorist will only talk to him.

Nathanson watches as Jack arrives at the meeting place. Before he and Jack can meet, we glimpse the dreaded Black Helicopter – a sure sign that either terrorists are coming or the worst nightmares of the militia men and survivalists have come true and Jack is about to be whisked away to that detention camp in Utah the government has just built.

It’s the terrorists. And as Nathanson runs for his life, offing two of his adversaries in the process, we know that this is not going to end well for the traitor/patriot. Sure enough, Nathanson makes it to the roof where another Black Helicopter starts spraying the area with automatic weapons fire. Before Jack can cripple the 2 ton helicopter with his magic handgun, Nathanson is badly hit. Before dying himself, the ex-spook gives Jack a chip that may help track the cannisters.

At the ranch, Jellyfish gives in and decides to supply the terrorists with the motorcade route of President Suburov despite Mike trying to talk him out of it. Martha comes in late to the conversation and, recognizing the symptoms in her husband (quaking knees, dry lips, avoiding eye contact), peremptorily orders Mike out of the room while she confronts her spineless husband:

MARTHA: What are you saying? That we are going to stand in front of the entire world with the Suburov’s? You’re going to look him in the eye, shake his hand, knowing you’re sending him -

LOGAN: If we were in Russia and Suburov got the ultimatum, do you think he would spare us?

MARTHA: I am not talking about Russia. I am not talking about Suburov. I am talking about you! I am talking about the President of the United States of America! MY GOD CHARLES…YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT MURDER!

LOGAN: Martha, my back is against the wall. Give me another solution.

MARTHA: Stand up to them. Refuse to negotiate with them. Isn’t that the policy of this country. Isn’t that the point of the treaty you just signed?

LOGAN: It’s not that simple, Martha. It never is.

Excuse me, oh Wishy-Washy One but the answers to Martha’s questions are yes and yes. See? Sometimes it is that simple.

“The Great Hobbit Runaround” reaches its zenith when Jack calls Audrey about the chip that Nathanson gave him while Lynn is standing directly behind her. Thinking quickly, she transfers Jack to Chloe who gives Bill the high sign. Bill then goes into action, distracting the Fat Hobbit while Chloe and Audrey work on trying to hack the files on the chip, exchanging IM’s on the matter. (Did anyone else notice how boring those IM windows are? You’d think they’d have American flags and stuff on there like I do or maybe a cute little kitty cat for the girls, yes?).

Chloe works some geek magic and is able to access files on the chip. One file from an ominous sounding company called “Omicron” (all companies beginning with “O” are evil) rings a bell with Jack who knows one of the directors. And from the tone of his voice, this Christopher Henderson fellow is either someone he shot a long time ago or else they were college roommates who didn’t get along very well. Stay tuned.

The Hobbit finally loses it and arrests Bill. He informs the entire staff that all workstations will now be mirrored and monitored from his screen high atop the work floor.

And Martha, seeking to avoid catastrophe, bravely gets in the Russian’s car forcing Jellyfish to make a choice – her or the terrorists. Will Logan be able to decide? Or will he simply dissolve into a puddle of shapeless, formless goo leaving the US leaderless in the midst of a horrific crisis?

BODY COUNT

A bad hour for terrorists and traitors. Ivan’s boys off two of Nathanson’s cohorts. Ivan himself gets whacked. Ditto Nathanson but not before taking one terrorist with him to hell. Jack adds two notches to the old gun.

JACK: 12

SHOW: 53

Long time reader Bill emailed me and pointed out I included the suicide of the baggage inspector in the body count from week one. Rather than take a body off our Blood-O-Meter, I have added two more suicides – Walt’s and the terrorist from last week.