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Wuzzat spell? HIZBULLAH! Louder! HIZBULLAH! I Can’t Hear You! HIZZZZZZBULLAH!
(Billmon of Whiskey Bar)
The Hizbullah cheerleading competition on the left has become a fierce battle between those who have become doe-eyed worshippers of the terrorist leader Nasty Nasrallah (currently in hiding from his rabid and overly demonstrative fans in the IDF) and his cadre of happy-go-lucky rocketeers and those who simply want to see Israel destroyed.
For the judges of the contest, this presents something of a dilemma. Do they deduct points for virulent hatred directed against Jews that blinds contestants to the finer points of cheerleading? Or do they penalize participants for their utter stupidity in cheering on their own potential beheaders thus demonstrating a third grader’s understanding of Pep Squad etiquette and self preservation instincts?
A close call, that. In desperation, the judges were forced to go to the videotape.
It seems more likely that the Israeli cabinet’s decision not to endorse the IDF’s plan for a major invasion was the proverbial blink in this eyeball-to-eyeball confrontation. I don’t even know if Olmert still has hopes of carving out a notional two-kilometer-wide DMZ along the border. I mean, it’s easy enough to say such a buffer zone exists, but if the Israelis really want one they’re going to have to fight Hizbullah for every inch of it. And as I said, it’s pretty clear the Israelis don’t have much of an appetite for that kind of fighting.
At this point, and until they show me otherwise, I have to assume the Israelis now would be very happy just to get back to the status quo ante.
There remains, however, the little problem of the steady steam (100 a day, give or take) of rockets falling on northern Israel, plus Hizbullah’s still-unused long-range “Tel Aviv” rockets. Yesterday’s strike on Afula (east and about 30 miles south of Haifa) was a reminder from Sheikh Nasrallah that he still has a few rungs left on his escalation ladder, and that the IDF hasn’t been any more successful at missile “plinking” than the U.S. Air Force was in Gulf War I.
The judges deducted 5 points immediately for Billmon’s disconnect from reality. One judge protested that in this kind of competition, the deduction was unfair because the same could be said for every single contestant, the competition being confined to leftist twits with no more grasp of strategy than a marmoset. However this judge summed it up nicely:
Only a true fool like this dolt (who is worshipped by the â€˜progressiveâ€™ left) could look at a military operation and say that, because in less than three weeks Hezbollah can still fire off some completely ineffective rocket barrages that have no military impact whatsoever, and because they managed to kill a couple of dozen Israeli soldiers, that the action has been a â€˜debacleâ€™ for Israel. Last time I checked, Olmert was still in Israel, and Nasrallah was hiding behind his puppetmasters in Damascus. I guess the fact that he hasnâ€™t been scared all the way to Tehran means thatâ€™s a defeat for Israel, too.
On the other hand, Billmon scored well in “Anti-Israeli Fundamentals” and in “Overall Appeal” to Hizbullah sympathizers. And while the judges felt his laughable ignorance of what was actually happening on the battlefield should be cause for a major deduction, Billmon made up for that negative by projecting typical leftist admiration for the tactics of terrorists. Slight deduction for not smiling enough and for the inadvertent showing his panties on the “basket toss.”
Next up, The Next Hurrah:
Hezbollah right now is operating in bunkers. All the news that comes out comes when one or another IDF soldier admits that they’re discovering Hezbollah to have well-disciplined, courageous fighters—which sends a more powerful message than all the Shock and Awe! you can muster. Meanwhile, Israel is very publicly bombing the sh*t out of Lebanon, yet it’s winning no apparent advantage from the bombing. The same, I suspect, will happen with this. Oh, I’m sure there’s pro-Hezbollah astroturf out there. But mostly, there’s just effective propaganda, winning the hearts and minds of other Arabs. Whereas Israel is conducting a very public campaign, but it appears to be dropping nothing but duds.
There was an immediate uproar from the judges following the viewing of this segment of the videotape. One judge asked if he could award a score lower than “zero” just for having to view such a nauseating routine. Another said it wasn’t so bad if you pretended “emptywheel,” the Captain of the squad, was mentally challenged and unable to differentiate between good and evil, right and wrong, friend and foe.
In the end, the judges awarded hefty style points for the way that the contestants marched in lockstep with other lefties as well as extra credit for adding inadvertent humor to the routine. Minor deduction for poorly disguising their obvious anti-semtism as well as turning too many handsprings in logic.
Finally, Cecilia Lucas (Common Dreams):
But I am making progress, seeking and finding new information, clearing some of the smoke. I am coming to terms with something that Iâ€™ve tried to deny, something Iâ€™ve been taught to deny. And so I have written a love poem. For Hizbullah. Like love that inspires poems often is, this love is not all rosy and sweet. It is complicated, tortured, frustrated, somewhat inappropriate, certainly scandalous, sometimes hesitant. It is irrational and overly rational. But still, it is love. A dear friend told me today, â€œNobody ever really learns something without feeling something.â€ So, to Hizbullah, I offer this poem.
I Donâ€™t Want to Love You, But I Do
You were born out of death to a life in a cage
Where bombs are not the only reason people die
Fed by the violence of hunger and homelessness
Raised by colonialism
Your heart and your will still grew strong
You scare me
Not just because they tell me to be scared
Not just because they repeat, repeat, repeat
The story of 1983
Begging me to understand
Americans are worth more than Lebanese
Why do they never tell me about Jihad al Bina
That you have created so much
Saved so many lives
Improved so many more…
After picking their jaws up off the floor, the judges went to work. Two judges wanted the contestant thrown out of the competition for making a mockery of the event. It simply wasn’t possible that Cecilia’s rank anti-Semitism and spectacularly ignorant views on Hizbullah could be taken seriously. It had to be parody. Or at the very least, a sick attempt to win the judges favor by being “too creative.”
Another judge pointed out that the contestant’s not disguising her disgusting Jew hatred was also cause for her being dismissed from the competition. It went against the tactics of the other contestants on the left who chose to hide their anti-Semitism by wishing for a Hizbullah victory all the while claiming they supported the existence of the Jewish state (most of the time).
But the majority of the judges decided to rate her team’s performance anyway. She actually got excellent marks for some of the routine, like when she performed her “Deadman” and the way in which she “attacked the crowd.”
But Cecelia received major deductions for sloppy thinking and a disconcerting lack of moral clarity. She received her biggest deduction for writing bad poetry, an unforgivable faux pas common among the left but largely absent from this particular competition. Slight deductions for a horrible costume (difficult to do jumps and splits in a burkha) and for rhetorically stumbling all over the place like a drunken sailor.
Who won? Perhaps I should open the comments up and let my readers vote. Have at it! And may the best leftist loon win…