The spectacular skyline of one of the greatest and most beautiful cities in the world – Chicago, Illinois

The Indianapolis skyline. Not the corn, the buildings in the distance.

Tomorrow, I will give my Official Super Bowl Preview – a must see analysis and breakdown of all the match ups and keys to the game.

But today, I thought I’d size up the two cities. You know – show the relative strengths and weaknesses of Chicago and Indianapolis – to determine which city might come out on top when examined side by side.

This is a completely unbiased analysis done with my usual regard for accuracy and the truth.

Or not.

GENERAL INFORMATION

Chicago:

From Wikpedia:

Chicago is a major city in the U.S. state of Illinois. The city is the largest in the Midwest, and with a population of nearly three million people, Chicago is the third-most populous city in the United States. The Chicago Metropolitan area, informally known as Chicagoland, has a population of over 9.4 million in Illinois, Wisconsin, and Indiana making it the third largest in the United States.[1] Chicago is located along the southwestern shore of Lake Michigan and is a major center of transportation, industry, politics, culture, finance, medicine and higher education. Chicago is informally called the “Second City,” the “Windy City,” and the “City of Big Shoulders” (from Carl Sandburg’s poem Chicago).

Indianapolis:

Also from Wikpedia:

Indianapolis was founded as the state capital in 1821. Jeremiah Sullivan, a judge of the Indiana Supreme Court, invented the name Indianapolis by joining Indiana with polis, the Greek word for city. The city was founded on the White River under the incorrect assumption that the river would serve as a major transportation artery; however, the waterway was too sandy for trade. The state commissioned Alexander Ralston to design the new capital city. Ralston was an apprentice to the French architect Pierre L’Enfant, and he helped L’Enfant plan Washington, DC. Ralston’s original plan for Indianapolis called for a city of only 1 square mile, and, at the center of the city, sat the Governor’s Circle, a large circular commons, which was to be the site of the Governor’s mansion. The Governor’s mansion was finally demolished in 1857 and in its place stands a 284-foot-tall (86.5-meter-tall) neoclassical limestone and bronze monument, the Soldiers’ and Sailors’ Monument.

Okay. Let me get this straight. The city has been a mistake since the beginning. It was founded on a river that never became anything more than a backwater on the inland waterway because the dummies didn’t notice it was too sandy for trade. They commissioned a guy to design the city who helped L’Enfant design Washington – perhaps the most maddeningly confusing, screwed up design for a major city ever put on paper.

No? I lived there for 8 years and let me tell you, L’Enfant may have had a nice eye for beauty and all that but it’s obvious the guy never got a drivers license. Anyone who has entered Dupont Circle at rush hour knows what I’m talking about. Without the kindness of strangers, I still might be driving around that damn circle looking for a way to get back on Connecticut Avenue.

And obviously, this fellow Ralston was delusional. A capitol city only one square mile in area? And the governor’s mansion sitting in the middle like some kind of goddamn palace? All of it set down smack in the middle of nowhere?

Gives me the creeps…

FAMOUS CITIZENS

Chicago:

John Ashcroft
Wesley Clark
Hillary Clinton
George Halas
Michael Jordan
Paul Butterfield
Ted Nugent
Kanye West
Frank Lloyd Wright
Ernest Hemingway
Studs Terkel
Al Capone (bang! bang!)

Indianapolis:

Isaih Thomas (St. Joes HS, Westchester, IL)
Quinn Buckner (Thornridge HS, Dolton, IL)
John Dillinger (via Chicago, IL)

Rumor has it that the pig used in the film Babe is from Indianapolis but the mayor denies any of his relations have ever appeared in film.

FAMOUS CUISINE

Chicago:

Chicago style pizza, Italian sausage, Stewarts Coffee, cheeseburgers, Vienna hot dogs, Italian beef.

Indianapolis:

Well…let’s see. Can we come back to this one?

FAMOUS LANDMARKS

Art Institute, John Hancock building, Sears Tower, Lake Michigan, “The Magnificent Mile,” Lake Shore Drive, Rush Street, Billy Goat Tavern.

Indianapolis:

Great big statues where pigeons gather. The laundromat. The Jungle Jim at Riverfront Park. The Pool Hall.

2ND CALL - INDIANAPOLIS: FAMOUS CUISINE

I’m thinking! I’m thinking!

WHAT RESIDENTS DO FOR ENTERTAINMENT

Chicago:

Civic opera, world famous symphony orchestra, Field Museum, clubbing ‘till dawn, fabulous restaurants, Goodman Theater, dozens of bars where you can have a naked girl give you a lap dance.

Indianapolis:

Watching sidewalks roll up at 10:00 PM. Eating at Domino’s. Hanging out at the mall. Going to the edge of town and watching the corn grow. Pig races. Dozens of bars where drunk Hoosiers throw up all over you.

3RD AND FINAL CALL - INDIANAPOLIS: FAMOUS CUISINE

Um…do Boilermakers count as food?

PRO SPORTS FRANCHISES

Chicago:

Bears (NFL)
Bulls (NBA)
White Sox (MLB)
Cubs (Well – they call themselves pros anyway)
Blackhawks (NHL)
Fire (MSL)

Indianapolis:

Pacers (NBA)
Colts (NFL)

They also boast a race track where cars go very fast around and around in a circle for a couple of hours while 500,000 people get drunk, take off their shirts (men and women), and hope that something interesting happens.