There’s only one question I have for everyone out there today.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!
Don’t you know the planet is in danger of shriveling up like Al Gore’s testicles on a cold winter’s day? Don’t you realize that unless we do something NOW about global warming, Los Angeles will be under water before you know it and they’ll have to cancel all those “See the Homes of the Stars” tours? Can’t you see that unless we abandon all industrial production and go back to a time when men were men, women were women, and horses were just like cars except they didn’t have chrome bumpers and electric sun roofs, that the Earth Goddess will be angry at us and punish us by cancelling the Winter Olympics in 2050? (Goodness! What will the Canadians do if they can’t compete in Curling?)
YOU PEOPLE SUCK! No commitment. No concern for the planet. AND YOU’VE GOT THE MOST GOD-AWFUL TASTE IN MUSIC I’VE EVER SEEN!
Live Earth has been branded a foul-mouthed flop.
Organisers of the global music concert – punctuated by swearing from presenters and performers – had predicted massive viewing figures.
But BBC’s live afternoon television coverage attracted an average British audience of just 900,000.
In the evening, when coverage switched from BBC2 to BBC1, the figure rose to just 2.7million.
And the peak audience, which came when Madonna sang at Wembley, was a dismal 4.5million. Three times as many viewers saw the Princess Diana tribute on the same channel six days before.
Two years ago, Live 8 drew a peak television audience of 9.6million while Live Aid notched 10million in 1985.
The BBC blamed the poor figures on Saturday’s good weather and said its Wimbledon tennis coverage had drawn away afternoon viewers.
Critics said however that the public had simply snubbed what they saw as a hypocritical event.
ALL OF YOU SHOULD BE ROYALLY ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!
More people went to see Tiger Woods play golf in DC than the Live Earth Concert – many, many more:
People in attendance at the PGA Tour event today in the D.C. area: 37,613, per a local sports channel.
People in attendance at Al Gore’s Live Earth event in D.C. today… Well, somewhat less than that. Guessing whether it was 100 times less, or merely 50 times less, that’s just part of the fun.
Here’s what look like empty seats at the marquee event in New York.
And drastically fewer people showed up than anticipated in Rio.
What does it say about you dilettantes that 140,000 people showed up at a NASCAR race in Daytona to watch carbon spewing automobiles race around an oval track while a less than impressive 52,00 showed up at Giants stadium to watch rocker Bon Jovi (local boy) and that paragon of restraint and virtue Kanye West?
Why, I’ll be you didn’t even sign the pledge. What pledge, you ask? Why, the Live Earth Pledge, naturally:
1.To demand that my country join an international treaty within the next 2 years that cuts global warming pollution by 90% in developed countries and by more than half worldwide in time for the next generation to inherit a healthy earth;
You see what I mean about horses, right? Cutting 90% of our greenhouse gas emissions would take us back to the turn of the century. That’s the turn of the 20th century!. But hey! Who’s counting centuries with “earth in the balance?” And don’t forget to pledge this part extra hard:
2.To take personal action to help solve the climate crisis by reducing my own CO2 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become “carbon neutral;”
No burping. No farting. And forget about barbecuing the next 4th of July. Gas, electric, or briquette, it doesn’t matter. They all contribute to your massive carbon footprint on this planet.
And no burning wood either. Don’t you know how long the Earth Goddess has to work to grow a tree? What’s the matter with you? If you get cold during the winter, might I suggest burning a few unnecessary books? For a list of accepted and appropriate titles to burn, go here. Of course, there’s always “snuggling.” But keep your hands to yourself! No monkey business under your recycled cotton blanket. You know how Mother Earth feels about kids – the fewer the better. Unless they’re white. But all you brown and yellow people out there CUT IT OUT, WILLYA! You’re spoiling the planet for the rest of us by having oodles of kids. Take a cold shower once and a while, huh?
But I see where all those big music stars and even Al Gore failed to get through to you. It’s not their fault. They did their best. IT’S YOU PEOPLE WHO ARE FAULT! YOU JUST DON’T CARE ENOUGH TO BE A TRUE CLIMATE WARRIOR!
So be it. For penance, when the next one of these “Live (fill in the blank)” concerts takes place. I condemn you to sit in front of your computer or TV and watch the whole thing from beginning to end. Even if Madonna shows up. Even if the Beastie Boys are, well, Beastly. That will teach you the proper way to practice social activism; sitting on your butt listening to the bones creaking from ancient musical acts.
AND DON’T GET ANY IDEAS THIS IS OVER. IT’S NOT. NOTHING IS OVER UNTIL WE SAY IT IS. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? AND IT’S NOT OVER NOW!
So make sure you sign the pledge. It may be an inconvenient truth, but there you have it.
AND I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO COME DOWN ON YOU LIKE THIS AGAIN. GET GREEN!