Today is my birthday. I am 54 years old.
Big effing deal.
Those of you who still feel compelled to “celebrate” your birthday – probably those of you under the age of 40 – allow me to give you an exciting glimpse of what you are in for as the inexorable and terrifying passage of time works its magic on your mind, your bodily functions, and your psychological well being.
The first thing you notice about getting older is that past a certain age, you just don’t give a sh*t what other people think. It really is quite liberating and is probably the reason there are few good writers under the age of 50. Not giving a sh*t what other people think doesn’t mean you become a crass, callous, unfeeling monster – well, not completely anyway. What not giving a sh*t about others opinion of you does is allow you to see the truth and not care if uttering it or writing about it makes you a social outcast.
I find myself giving honest opinions about all sorts of things.
ZSU ZSU: Honey, do these pants make my butt look too big?
ME: No bigger than usual.
ZSU ZSU: Oh, Ricky!
See what I mean?
Another thing you notice about growing old – and my over-50 compatriots can sing this one like an old Negro Spiritual – is that you begin to value ease in eliminating bodily wastes. You actually think it’s a good day when everything comes out on time and without too much difficulty. You also include in your nightly prayers the plea not to wake up 2 or 3 times because your prostrate has begun to blow up like Kirstie Alley relapsing at a Pizza Hut.
That along with a decline in hearing and sight reminds you every day that eventually, life is probably going to suck the big one.
Don’t believe what you hear about growing old and sex. Especially if you love your woman and she remains reasonably fit. I haven’t tried (nor have I needed) Viagra or Cialis so I can’t testify as to their efficacy or usefulness. For me anyway, what I might lack in friskiness, I make up for in timing, accuracy, and wisdom – traits I tried to get Zsu Zsu to confirm for this post.
ME: Honey, say a few words about our sex life.
ZSU ZSU: A few words, indeed.
ME: Thanks, hon.
Finally, contemplating eternity can be fun and profitable – if you’re an undertaker. For the rest of us, not so much. Unless I plan to live to be 108, I am certain that the days behind me are much more numerous than the days I have ahead of me.
Once that singular truth breaks through the youthful conceit that you are going to live forever and that you are indestructible, life takes on an entirely different meaning. You catch yourself admiring and appreciating nature a lot more. You narrow your circle of friends, winnowing out the old drinking buddies and softball teammates, leaving only those who truly matter to you. Your family becomes more important.
And when you do contemplate eternity, there is an acceptance that what is, is, and that you have a choice; you can dwell upon the inevitable which will almost certainly turn you into a bitter, spiteful old man who resents the way your life turned out and bemoan all the lost opportunities that litter the landscape of any man’s passage through this world.
Or, you can be grateful for what you have and try not to think too much about what you missed in life and what is to come. I am still reasonably healthy (although I need to lose a good 50 pounds) and considering the fact that when I was 30 I believed I would be lucky to see 50, these last few years have been gravy.
In short, despite the slow deterioration of body and mind, I am reasonably happy and reasonably content.
Now if only the GOP could get its act together, my life would be complete – or at least less likely to give me a stroke.
7:47 am
Happy birthday, Rick!
7:47 am
Happy birthday youngster!
I stopped giving a s**t decades ago; you are right!
Great post!
Keep ‘em coming!
7:48 am
Somehow my name got cut to an initial.
My name is Rod not r
caught it as it posted sorry
7:57 am
About that GOP-induced stroke: It may be inevitable. You should be taking 81 grains per day of St. Joseph’s Aspirin. It really works as a stroke inhibitor and costs pennies.
Otherwise, happy b-day to a very good man.
8:57 am
Rick,
As someone on the same side of the 50 divide, I can attest to the fact that your analysis is dead (should I use that term?) on. Shortly before my 40th birthday a friend who had already crossed that mark told me that I could expect the eyesight to go. Having 20/10 vision, I informed him that in my case he was surely wrong. He wasn’t.
Happy Birthday my friend. Enjoy and take advantage of the “don’t give a sh*t” attitude. I do.
9:28 am
Gotcha by a year, dude. The odd thing is that the politics of the late 60s and early 70s are hardly faint memories- they’re fresh in my mind. Until, of course, I step back and realize that 40 years have whipped by since ‘68. How can that be? Awaiting a tortured explanation. In the meantime, have a happy birthday.
9:35 am
As I recall, you didn’t really give a sh*t about what you said at 30, either!
Anyway, happy birthday. Hope it warms up enough to get out for a while.
9:42 am
Happy Birthday!
9:47 am
Best wishes for continues happiness!
Thanks for making me feel so young, although I have already hit one of your milestones in that I don’t give a BS what others think.
11:21 am
Happy Birthday!
I hope everything is running on time today.
And I am right there with you on the GOP and the stroke thing.
11:30 am
The next stage is you will increasingly become invisible to society. You never looked at old people either, so the justice is as we say poetic. Finally, you read about the sexual predator in the Ohio nursing home who buggered all the old gents. That too.
1:44 pm
Rick,
Happy Birthday!! It is good to know what 54 feels like; a milestone I will reach in just under two months. I especially appreciate your comments about good days and bodily functions.
A quote I heard a while ago that you may find poignant: “An old person is just a young person wondering what the hell happened.”
(Only 11 months ‘till Christmas!)
Wramblin’ Wreck
2:15 pm
Happy B-Day, Sir.
3:12 pm
Happy Birthday!
My husband turned 60 last week. He feels your pain. You are 2 years ahead of me, so I guess I’m still a kid. You are absolutely correct about the freeing feeling of aging. It happened to me at 40. Not that I ever censored my thoughts too much to begin with, though.
3:31 pm
so you desire that “she remains reasonably fit” but you admit that you need to lose 50 pounds. hmmm…
3:42 pm
You may only be young once, but you can be immature forever. -cp
4:08 pm
That confirms what I’ve thought since I turned 26 not quite as many moons ago as you (I’m a bit under 40, but not much). I may or may not have left enough clues out there in the ether for some determined fool to figure out my actual age and birthday, but I know I haven’t made it easy to find either because I already reached the “don’t give a sh*t” point.
In any case, have a happy birthday. Hopefully the GOP won’t kill us both.
4:34 pm
Happy birthday, Rick! I’m 48, and you have described my sentiments exactly. I still love life, my wife and my family, but I truly don’t give a sh*t what anybody thinks. Keep up the good (curmudgeonly) work!
9:22 pm
Happy birthday, man. So this is what I have to look forward to 3 years and a month from now?
9:32 pm
54? Hey, you’re old enough to be my fat…uh…favorite fake internet friend. Yeah, favorite fake internet friend…that’s it.
Seriously, though, happy birthday.
And now, my favorite b-day song (to the tune of the “Song of the Volga Boatmen”)
Happy birthday…
Happy birthday…
Buzzards flying in the air
People dying everywhere
But happy birthday
Happy birthday
One year closer to death!
9:55 pm
Happy Birthday!
Age is mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.
May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.
Thanks for being a bright light in my Blogiverse!
10:19 pm
Happy Birthday, Rick! I too was born in ‘54, although in March. My body is slowly and not so subtly reminding me that I am closer to taking the eternal dirt nap each day. Eyesight going bad, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol just ain’t a whole lot of fun. But we all have to do what we have to do to survive, especially in these Chicagoland winters! So, relax, go grab some old family photo albums, and remember life as it used to be in the 60’s and 70’s. Bad hair, leisure suits and no microwave ovens.
11:37 pm
It gets worse. Once you get into your mid 60’s not only do you not give a shit what anybody thinks, you don’t actually expect them to think either. And that’s kind of a comfort.
12:56 am
Happy B-Day Rick!
1:11 am
Happy birthday,,,,
He’s writing his memoirs and losing his hearing
But he don’t care what most people say.
Through eighty-six years of perpetual motion
If he likes you he’ll smile then he’ll say
Jimmy, some of it’s magic, some of it’s tragic
But I had a good life all the way.
“He Went To Paris” Jimmy Buffett
5:32 am
Rick, you know, there’s something to be said for college graduates. If otherwise, then just toss Zsu Zsu something to chew on.
How can you fail to get behind McCain?
Aren’t you tired of being smarter than the president? Good Luck in 55.
5:52 am
Sorry Rick, but you’ll get no birthday greetings from me. Since you don’t celebrate it, I am sure you won’t miss them. This post is typical, narcissistic, baby-boomer, BS. Like no one else in history has ever gotten old before. Stick to politics, and share your stories about your prostate and how your wang wroks with Bill Clinton. He feels your pain. Normal people hate baby-boomers because they laid waste to the greatest nation on Earth, in a single generation. Thanks for that, anyway.
8:01 am
Happy B-day, Rick. Ef-off, Steve. It’s his blog, if you don’t like it, don’t read it.
Now Rick, about more important matters: how will the Sox pitching hold up this year? Can the young kids hold up at the bottom of the rotation. (Remember how they used to say to think about baseball to hold off during sex? Now you’d just rather think about baseball!)
9:29 am
Happy B-day, Rick.
I know exactly what you mean about focusing on the important things and tossing out the mundane things [like other people’s opinions—they are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink].
Lose the fifty pounds—that is very important. I am sure you can do it if you set your mind to it. I am almost 49, I do Tai Chi, kick-boxing, and Wing Chun Wu Shu martial arts. I need to lose at least ten more pounds, but I have dropped 25 since returning to the states five years ago.
Steve #27, go piss on someone else’s parade.
Good grief.
1:33 pm
You managed to not get hit by a bus for an entire year . . . something not all of your fellow countrymen and women can say. That deserves a tip-of-the-hat, at least.
3:50 pm
The young guy goes to work Monday morning and talks about the great sex he had over the weekend
The middle-aged guy goes to work Monday morning and talks about the great meal he had over the weekend
The old guy goes to the golf course Monday morning and tells the rest of his foursome about the great dump he took over the weekend