MUST CREDIT RIGHT WING NUTHOUSE
A secret operative working for this website has gotten a hold of the speech John McCain will deliver to attendees of the Conservative Political Action Conference. She says I shouldn’t ask how she got it although she mentioned that she had a real good time getting it and to thank all the guys in oppo research for the pizza, beer, and for being such good sports when playing “Hide the Salami.”
So here it is. Unedited and uncut. There appear to be some very strange stage directions included. Take them at face value.
SPEECH FOR THE CONSERVATIVE RABBLE AT CPAC===
My fellow conservatives. (Duck)
My thanks for that warm greeting. I was unaware that the salad portion of the meal would be delivered in such a unique manner although someone should talk to the chef about the freshness of the produce in his kitchen.
I would like to thank all of you for your generous support of my campaign. (Hit the dirt.) For those of you who may not see eye to eye with me on an issue or two, allow me to explain why you are wrong and I am right.
I am always right. It doesn’t really matter why, although I could bring up my many years of experience and the fact that the New York Times agrees with me so often. What matters is that you forget about all the differences we’ve had and simply go to the polls next November and vote for me. (Try not to sneer.)
Trust me. I won’t disappoint you. (Try not to laugh.) Last summer during the debate on my Amne…my Immigration Reform Bill, I heard you loud and clear when you said you wanted the borders closed and protected. And believe me my friends, there will be no backtracking when it comes to me fulfilling that promise.
Of course, I may make some small alterations – like changing the definition of “closing” the borders. And we may want to attend to some small, insignificant details dealing with undocumented workers first – such as giving them some documents. But I can promise you unequivocally that once we take care of that, we’ll close the borders right quick. All I ask is that you put your racist, xenophobic feelings aside so that we can work together.
I’d like to say a few words about Campaign Finance Reform. Get used to it. It ain’t goin’ anywhere. (Try not to gloat.)
Some of you may be worried that I won’t appoint the kind of judges to the federal courts that you can support. Let me put your minds to rest. I will appoint the most conservative judges possible – just as long as they don’t wear their conservatism on their sleeves and as long as the Washington Post doesn’t criticize me too much. But rest assured, the judges I select will be strict constitutionalists – on many things. Oh they may fudge around the edges a bit but after all, the darn thing is 219 years old and sometimes, it’s good to let the old girl have her head so that she can breathe a bit.
I know that many of you doubt my conservatism. I am shocked that you could be so deranged in doing so. I was there at the beginning of the Reagan Revolution. I even had my picture taken with The Gipper. (Try and look humble.) Surely that should be enough proof of my conservative bona fides. Are you saying that you doubt the word of Reagan? What kind of conservatives are you?
Of course, there are varying degrees of conservatism. I’m from the “Maverick Conservative” wing of the party. This is the wing of conservatism that believes anything the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the news nets will praise me for is probably conservative enough. If it’s not, tough. If you think I’m going to change my position on an issue and get the media upset with me, you’re dreaming.
The Maverick Conservative wing of the party – both of us – want to be clear that we support many of the same issues that you “movement” conservatives support. All we ask is that you ignore us when we thumb our noses at you. You can’t expect us to maintain our status as “Mavericks” with the media without deliberately undercutting your agenda while hinting what barbarians you truly are. Therefore, I ask that you simply accept us for who we are.
And calling us “self aggrandizing media whores who care more for pleasing our liberal friends than in working to enact conservative legislation” may be accurate but please – keep it to yourselves.
We can do great things together – as long as you just shut up and vote for me. After all, if it’s between me and Hillary, are you really going to let the Democrats win in November by staying at home? (Try not to look too smug.) And let me remind you. As the man who has single handedly turned the Iraq War around by my invention of “The Surge,” electing a Democrat will probably mean bringing our troops home too quickly and leaving Iraq in the lurch.
That is, unless I do it first because as you all know, the true mark of a Maverick is unpredictability. Trust me when I say that being unpredictable will be my first priority while in office. I promise to be so unpredictable that you won’t know from one minute to the next just what surprises I will pull out of my hat.
That’s all I have to say. I’m glad I came today and I hope you take my words how they were intended – in the spirit of cooperation and friendship (Try not to look too contemptuous.)
Let us begin.
UPDATE
Michelle Malkin asks that CPAC attendees not boo McCain when he speaks later this afternoon.
I would like to second that notion although I think hissing might be acceptable if it is done tastefully and as unobtrusively as possible.
9:47 am
HA! I love the stage directions—reminds of when Groucho was trying to teach a college class, and Chico and Harpo kept shooting spit-wads at him and he kept trying to take cover.
And the “hide the salami” bit – perfect. Didn’t know that the phrase was still in use…heh…
10:06 am
[...] The good folks over at the Right Wing Nut House have obtained an advance copy of John McCain’s speech that he will deliver to CPAC today. It is pretty funny, cause parts of it are true, if somewhat painful…but I’m slowly coming to terms with McCain as the Republican nominee, warts and all. Of course he doesn’t hit all of the right notes – none of the candidates do or did. But I will not vote for the Democrat nominee nor sit at home on election day. Whatever flaws McCain has, he also has many strengths, and is the only remaining viable candidate to challenge the Dems at this point. I won’t even hold my nose when I vote, because at this point, winning the election – not party purity – is what matters. by david politics 2008, election, john mccain [...]
10:57 am
That sound slike what the radical left wing Sen from AZ would say. And how he would be greated by Reagan folk.
Very funny!
But sad the GOP has become the “Progressive” party of the 21 st century.
11:12 am
After reading McCain’s bio with certain reservations and taking into consideration his voting record there is no way I could vote for that man. I am American and I understand the American language. I know him as a lier, a liberal, an arrogant, utterly rude, an in no way fit to send to the White House. It looks like we have two parties vying for the same spot with very flawed representatives deserving no support.
11:56 am
The Maverick Relies on Party Loyalty…
McCain, the Maverick, has eschewed party loyalty on many issues and has received much praise from the MSM for doing so. Now, The Maverick and his supporters expect party loyalty to deliver him to the White House….
12:10 pm
Rick! When did you join the Democrats???
12:42 pm
Rick – your post is very funny.
But I do not think how far to the left GWB and Karl have shoved the GOP in 7 year is funny. I think it is tragic and sad.
John McFibber has been aligned with the far left of the Democratic Party since he was first elected. He was best buddies with the most extreme left wing Senator to ever be elected from my state (Cal) none other than the Keating 5’s lead Marxist Alan Cranston. He has continued to be aligned with the “Lion of the Left†Chappaquiddick Teddy!
The former tie-died hippy from Tx AKA the boy genius of the GOP Karl has destroyed the GOP. Based on his hippy past I believe Karl did not do this through a series of blunders and stupid decisions. I think he is in fact smart and the disasters he has brought on the GOP were planned to be disasters. McFibber is just he latest of Karl’s disasters for the GOP.
12:44 pm
Can John McCain Be Stopped?...
Many conservatives hate John McCain even more than we hate Hillary Clinton….
12:56 pm
Okay, you got a few good jokes in there. When are you going to challenge your readers instead of pandering to their baser instincts?
12:59 pm
I’ve already said I would vote for McCain in November.
2:25 pm
McCain is a disappointment but better than the alternative.
2:47 pm
Conservatives have no dog in this presidential fight; never did. Now McCaine is the nominee let us put focus on the real fight—defeating liberalsim within the republican party and to be more active in seeking out and supporting conservative leaders for the house and senate.
In the long-run, who wins the presidency this fall does not matter now. In fact, it may help us if a democrat wins! We will make a very stong statement that cannot be ignored—the republican party is not viable without conservative thought and ideas.
3:07 pm
That was absolutely brilliant and made me smile for the first time this week. Thanks!!
As to Pat Curley…let us wallow in our baser instincts for a few days, can’t you?
—Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
4:33 pm
[...] Rick Moran has written John McCain’s Conservative Political Action Conference speech for him. [...]
4:49 pm
Ronald Reagan knew me!...
Below: Ronald Reagan is pictured with John Mc… Oh no, wait, that’s Reagan with George Romney, Mitt’s dad… let’s try again here…...
5:15 pm
Who is sleeping with John McCain? Answer; The elephant not in the room.
It would appear that “Moderate Voters†have propelled Senator McCain into the current front runner position for the Republican Party presidential nomination. As the definition of “Moderate†is intrinsically an undefined value in the political sense, I will provide my own interpretation: Not a Republican. Perhaps they cannot be defined as a Democrat either, but they are definitely NOT a Republican. Politics 101 postulates that US Presidents are elected by white males. This is the voter Senator McCain has invited to crawl into his bed. That would be, for the purposes of this discussion, white male moderates.
So, I pose some simple questions: What is the Senator’s motive?
Simple answer: To appeal to the greatest number of sympathetic voters.
Simple question: What is the animas, the individuals unconscious true inner self, that Senator McCain is making an appeal to?
Simple answer: Something really ugly.
When faced with these four choices:a white female, a black male, a white male liberal, and a white male quasi conservative, who did these moderate white male voters choose? A white male, specifically, a white male chauvinist racist!
If this is what the republican Big Tent paradigm amounts to, count me out. I’ll not be a party to this brand of BS. Go ahead John, Bill Kristal, and David Brookes, et al. Knock yourself out. Al , Jesse, and Opra knew ye all along.
5:30 pm
[...] I have given McCain’s speech at CPAC a once over, and frankly, in my first read it the text, I remain less than fully impressed. Perhaps I’ve just gotten in the habit, after dealing with the Clintons of parsing text. IN any event, I’ll be reviewing it overnight, and will attempt to post extended comments on it tomorrow. Certainly, the emphasis of the speech has changed since Governor Romney has dropped out. Or, not, maybe. Regardless of Romney being in the race yet, the bottom line is he still has to convince conservatives he’s one of them… and given the history that’s going to be like selling used condoms outside the Clinton White House. I see Mary Catherine Ham thought the speech was OK, if not altogether accurate when McCain started talking about how he’d always respected the positions of the base. Hey, look, he hadda insert some humor there somewhere… it’s a fairly tense situation, you know? I also see Rick Moran got a first draft of the speech, or something. [...]
5:57 pm
Beautiful.
I love it.
10:01 am
I can say no more
[img]http://rms941.com/images2/111.jpg[/img]
3:02 pm
John McCain has my unwavering support!
11:00 am
[...] From Right Wing Nuthouse, via Tom the Impaler, a very telling earlier draft of John McCain’s speech to CPAC. I know that many of you doubt my conservatism. I am shocked that you could be so deranged in doing so. I was there at the beginning of the Reagan Revolution. I even had my picture taken with The Gipper. (Try and look humble.) Surely that should be enough proof of my conservative bona fides. Are you saying that you doubt the word of Reagan? What kind of conservatives are you? [...]