Recently, I’ve received several emails pointing out that this site is way too one sided in its coverage of politics. I must confess that these charges caught me a little off guard. After all, the name of this site IS Right Wingnuthouse.
No matter. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that readers should have the benefit of some penetrating analysis from the other side of the political spectrum. With that in mind, I’ve asked my neighbor Marvin Moonbat to sit in once a week and do a post on life from the perspective of a left winger. Now, Marvin makes it a point to ignore me when he sees me around town (I think he believes he’ll catch something if he gets too close to me) so I had to resort to the ancient yet honorable technology of “letter writing” to make the offer.
NOTE: For the benefit of those of you too young to understand, a “letter” involves taking a piece of paper writing your message on it, putting the paper in something we call an envelope, using your tongue to “seal” the envelope by licking the glue found on the flap so that no one else can read it, and then putting the letter in a mailbox, which if you’re observant, are those metal containers found on many street corners. The letter is then picked up by someone who works for a failing, quasi-government agency called the “United States Postal Service” where after being sorted, separated, and organized, it’s delivered by someone known as a “Letter Carrier.” (We used to call them the “Mailman” until they realized that women could perform outdated, outmoded, useless jobs at the same level as men.) I know it sounds crazy but, trust me, it works.
Here, reproduced in its entirety, is my letter to Marvin:
My name is Superhawk and I live across the street from you. In case you’re wondering who I am, I’m the guy whose car used to have that bumper sticker “Bush in’04” until you so kindly removed it. I didn’t mind losing the bumper sticker but did you have to take the ENTIRE BUMPER?
I’d also like to apologize for standing in front of your house on the day after the election and laughing for 6 hours. That was cruel, juvenile, and uncalled for. Two hours would have been plenty.
Anyway, I’m writing to see if you’d be interested in writing a weekly column on my blog Right Wingnuthouse. The idea would be to give the perspective of someone from the other side of the political spectrum. Please keep your postings short (less than 1000 words) because, while I’m interested in being fair, I wouldn’t want to go overboard or anything.
Reply soonest this addy; (email address withheld for security reasons).
Marvin emailed me that he’d be glad to do it. Here then is Marvin Moonbat’s first post.
WHAT IS THE REALITY BASED COMMUNITY? (By Marvin Moonbat)
Hi! My name is Marvin. I’m 25 years old and an undergraduate student at University of Illinois-Chicago. I realize that some of you wingnuts will think it strange that I’ve been in college for 6 years and not graduated yet. Typical nazi bullsh*t! It’s not that I’m stupid or anything. I just haven’t found myself yet.
My first major was in Philosophy. Whew! Am I glad I dropped that! All that reading and thinking and thinking and reading gave me a headache. Then, I switched over to comparative Cultural Analysis. This was fine until my girlfriend Chloe made it clear that the only way she’d continue to sleep with me is if I agreed to go with her after we graduated to the Amazonian rain forest and live with the Cofan tribe and protect the environment from being raped by corporate conglomerates bent on world domination.
That was fine until the summer of my third year, we took a trip to visit the Cofans sponsored by “People Against the Rape of the Rain Forest By Corporate Conglomerates Bent On World Domination” at which point I realized this wasn’t the life for me. No indoor plumbing, no internet, no TV, and sleeping outside in a tent under 60,000 yards of mosquito netting was a real pain, dude. I mean, you ever try to have sex when there are a gazillion bugs trying to eat their way through your mosquito netting? It kind of distracts from the experience, if you know what I mean.
Boy! Talk about 3 years blown to hell! After that, I got into the Eastern Studies program. This was great! I “went native” for a while eating Pakistani food and wearing a Kurta. I even toyed with the idea of converting to Hinduism until I realized that the path to achieving Nirvana was frankly, just too damn hard. I mean, all that meditation and doing good works just seemed a little too much. Needless to say, that experience pretty much soured me on all religions. Another two years shot to hell.
Now I’m studying Comparative Lit. It’s pretty easy. All you have to do is read books and damn western civilization. If all goes well, I’ll graduate this year…with honors of course.
I thought for my first post, I’d try and define what the Reality Based Community is so that all of your Shrub lovers out there can know what you’re missing:
1. The Reality Based Community (RBC) stands for a rational approach to politics. That’s why we’re so adamant proving that this last election was stolen by the Republicans (hereafter referred to as Nazis). Any fool can see that Bushitler and Karl Rove stole the election by rigging the vote in Ohio. And why can’t you wingnuts see that the Chimp’s best friend, Diebold Corporation, who made the electronic voting machines, hacked into the machines and changed the votes of people who voted for Kerry? See? This is why we’re reality based.
2. We in the RBC support the Constitution completely…except for the First, Second, Fourth, Fifth, Ninth, and Tenth Amendments. We also support a broad interpretation of the Constitution. After all, the damn thing’s over two hundred years old. What did the dead white European males who wrote the screed know about the oppression of the masses? What did they know about using the power of government to take care of everyone? What did they know about evil businessmen who rape the environment and are bent on world domination? Nothing! That’s why we in the RBC oppose any attempt to interpret the Constitution in any way that would limit the power of government to do good.
3. Finally, the RBC is for peace. That’s why we oppose the Smirking Chimp’s war of imperial conquest in Iraq. I mean, sure we got rid of Saddam but how bad REALLY was he? I saw that Michael Moore documentary “Fahrenheit 9/11” and it didn’t look too god awful a place to live what with kids flying kites and Saddam so popular and all. Besides, everyone knows we went into Iraq for the oil. We need oil and Saddam had it. It’s as simple as that. Which is why I can’t understand the price of oil right now. If we have all this Iraqi oil, why is it so expensive? My guess is that the oil companies told Bush that they needed to keep the price up so that the executives could make enough money to buy their wives real nice Christmas presents. Makes sense to me.
Well, that’s part of what we believe. In the coming weeks I’ll be writing about other things that we in the RBC believe. If you want to drop me an email, send it to elvenstar522 at AOL dot com. Maybe I’ll publish it next time.
MARVIN MOONBAT WRITES A REGULAR COLUMN FOR THE HOUSE EVERY FRIDAY.