Ah, Virginia!

Known as “The Cradle of Presidents” (no less than 8 Chief Executives were born there), Virginia has more history per square mile than any other place in the union. The first successful English colony in the new world is located in Jamestown, one of the nicest, quaintest tourist traps you’ll ever find. Roanoke, the first unsuccessful British colony in North America is equally interesting though not as quaint. It seems the inhabitants up and disappeared with no note, no trace, and hardly a bye your leave (Maryland residents joke they ran off to go crabbing on the Eastern Shore).

Then there are the Revolutionary war sites, the “Washington Slept Here” sites, Civil War battlefields galore, and finally Alexandria. Located directly across the Potomac River from Washington, historic Alexandria is a cornucopia of living, breathing history with houses and shops from the 17th century still being used as, well, houses and shops unlike the better known Williamsburg that uses re-enactors and living history buffs to separate you from your money. At least in Alexandria, they sell you stuff you can actually use like power tools and video games. What do they sell in Williamsburg? I mean, who the hell needs a replica of a 17th century chamber pot?

All of this history gives Virginia a veneer of something akin to Disneyland. A land of knights and chivalry. A place of genteel gentlemen and ladylike ladies.

Judging from this story, it’s also a place of certifiable loons.

RICHMOND — Virginia lawmakers to the state’s youth: Pull up your pants or pay the price.

Delegate Algie T. Howell Jr. doesn’t want to see underwear hanging out of the back of your pants, and most lawmakers yesterday agreed with him. The House voted 60-34 for his bill, which would impose a $50 fine on anyone whose boxers, briefs or thongs peek above their pants or skirts.

This from the first democratically elected legislature in the New World. The very first stab at representative government in the English colonies. They used to call themselves “The House of Burgesses”. I think they stopped when ole’ Smokey Burgess retired back in the 1960’s.

Be that as it may, one would think that these guys would have more important things to do; like perhaps solving the state’s budget crisis or beefing up local police and fire departments, or funding decent schools.

Nope.

“It’s not an attack on baggy pants,” said Mr. Howell, Norfolk Democrat. “To vote for this bill would be a vote for character, to uplift your community and to do something good not only for the state of Virginia, but for this entire country.”

First of all nitwit, leave me out of it. If you want to “uplift your community” I suggest you refrain from running for re-election. Don’t include me in your all- encompassing rationale for this ridiculous assault on personal expression.

Then there’s the “crack factor.” No, not the drug. This is what I mean:

It’s not clear if the fine would apply to plumbers, carpenters or other laborers who have problems with low-riding pants. The bill states the fine would apply to those who display their below-the-waist underwear in a “lewd or indecent manner.”

When a legislative body that fairly drips with tradition and oozes history starts debating whether or not they should fine a plumber who, after crawling around on his hands and knees all day up to his elbows in human waste, may have his pants slip below the…what? Let’s call it “The Howell Line”...it’s time to start worrying about the mental health of the Republic.

All of this would be bad enough. But then…there are the moonbats.

Several lawmakers and civil rights groups said the legislation — sometimes referred to as the “droopy drawers” bill — is excessive and would encourage racial profiling, arguing that exposed underwear is simply a fashion statement by mostly black youths.

“This is a foolish bill because it will hurt so many,” said Mr. Spruill, who is black. “This will be a bill that will target blacks.”

I can see it now. Thousands of young black men being led away in irons for making a fashion statement. Hey! This sounds like an issue tailor-made for the ACLU:

However, Kent Willis, executive director of the American Civil Liberties Union of Virginia, said the bill “clearly targets” black men.

“Another concern is that legislators may have started a trend where they are designating themselves the arbiters of taste for Virginia, maybe even the fashion police,” the ACLU director said. “This is simply not the kind of detail legislators should be addressing.”

Nor the ACLU, come to think of it. Beware the slippery slope! First, droopy drawers and before ya know it, they’ll be banning loud ties, or lime green golf pants, or even cardigan sweaters!

Tending towards the gut myself, there have been occasions recently when my briefs have made an unwelcome appearance, much to my chagrin and Significant Otherhawk’s amusement.

I’ll just have to make sure to do some “belt tightening” before I visit Virginia again.