Okay…So? I’m late with the Carnival this week. Sue and I have the Iranian Flu – it’s led by an irrational cough, fed by a religious fever, and it feels like I have a nuke hidden in my brain. It also wants to “wipe me off the map” as well.

Pretty weak, I know, but what the hell do you expect? I’m sick goddammit!

Besides, I had an impossible job trying to decide who to name as Cluebat of the Week. The nominations were coming fast and furious:

• Ted Kennedy. With space on this blog at a premium, I would use half my bandwidth to describe the utter and complete fool Kennedy made of himself this week. For numerous examples, see the posts below.

• How about the entire Democratic contingent on the Senate Judiciary Committee?

• Iranian President Muhamar Ahmadinejad for denying that the Holocaust occurred. And for saying that the West is on its last legs. And for setting his beard on fire. (I made that last bit up but it sounds like something he would do).

• The New York Times for its clueless coverage of several national issues including the Alito hearings.

• Harry Belefonte for cozying up to that dirty necked galoot Hugo Chavez and saying that George Bush was the “world’s biggest terrorist.”

And on and on. I have three or four more but the winner going away this week is Russian Liberal and Democratic Party leader Vladimir Zhirinovsky. Vlad The Impaler had this to say in response to some mild criticism by Condi Rice of the recent Russian-Ukraine gas deal:

“If she has no man by her side at her age, he will never appear,” Zhirinovsky ranted on. “Condoleezza Rice needs a company of soldiers. She needs to be taken to barracks where she would be satisfied.

“Condoleezza Rice is a very cruel, offended woman who lacks men’s attention,” he added. “Such women are very rough. … They can be happy only when they are talked and written about everywhere.”

Russians are known for their rather earthy humor but suggesting that our Secretary of State become whatever the Russian version of a camp follower is goes a little beyond the pale.

The State Department (usually as clueless as old Vlad) actually said they wouldn’t dignify the comment with a response. Well, Jee-zus guys, what the hell could they say? “Thanks for the suggestion but the Secretary has a full schedule and declines the gracious offer of male companionship from several dozen husky Speznatz commandos.”

So for not only incredible cluelessness but for exhibiting very bad manners, Vladimir Zhirinovsky is awarded the coveted Cluebat of the Week.

Go ahead and check out the rest. Just pick and click to your heart’s content.

“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
(Dame Edith Sitwell)

Hey Edith! I see you watched the Alito hearings on C-Span.
(Me)

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Mensa Barbie has a story illustrating the meaning of “Good Karma.” Or, just dumb luck depending on one’s point of view and religious beliefs.

From the “Why didn’t I have homework like this when I was in school” Department, XYBA has the goodies on a high school class that has the best damn teacher in the world…or, a lecherous creep depending on your religious beliefs.

Wonder Woman shows why Iranian President Ahmadinejad is either a crazy anti-semite or a prophet heralding the coming of the 12th Imam, depending on your point of view and religious beliefs. (Okay…enough of the gratuitous religion bashing. I’m starting to sound like a bleeding liberal).

Don Surber has an object lesson in what happens when people use chicken wings as weapons of mass destruction.

Two Dogs shows what happens when a million people caught up in religious ecstasy meet up with clueless authorities.

Mark Coffey has it! “The Absolute Worst Poem of 2006.”

Zantor speaks for all of us, taking down nosy hairdressers for their total cluelessness.

Our “It” girl Pamela is under attack (of a sort) from the fairy princess of the blogosphere, Jamie Wolcott, whose limp wristed attack on our intrepid bloggoddess reminds one of how very catty emasculated men can be and that “limp” describes other, smaller parts of his anatomy that Wolcott flails away at nightly while looking in a mirror.

Here’s your weekly menu of Carnival satire from our stable of ribald wits and delicious ironists.

Giacomo blogging at The Right Place presents the “Top Five Follow-up Questions Sen. Schumer will ask Judge Alito.”

Buckley F. Williams (whose piece on Jack Bauer is just too good) entertains us with the “Top 9 Statements That Would Make Ted Kennedy Cry.”

Our favorite hippie chick Peace Moonbeam is leading an army of liberation for PETA.

Mamacita has a road map (a la Mapquest) on “How to Get to the Supreme Court.”

Bill Karl has a great piece on Brokeback Mountain reviews by Democrats.

Alex helps Ted Kennedy write a children’s book.

Make sure you visit these sites often for some of the best satire on the web.

Doug at Below the Beltway has some local cluelessness from the Maryland legislature who wants to outlaw free markets.

Only Mr. Right can do justice to this bit of lunacy from Ted Kennedy. He used a quote from a satirical piece in Prospect Magazine to criticize Judge Alito. One more reason Ted was an inaugural member of the Cluebat Hall of Fame.

Orac covers Pat Robertson’s apology for revealing his conversation with the Almighty. Apparently, it was too late to prevent the Israelis from hurling a few lightening bolts of their own at the clueless reverend’s wallet.

In a similar vein, Jack Cluth pegs Robertson’s donor base; “When you see yourself as sitting atop the theological food chain, nothing else really matters, does it?” Yep.

Dan Melson has reasons why he’ll never join the Libertarian Party.

Tom Bowler sees the Democrats on the Judiciary Committee pining for Perry Mason…or maybe some other towering legal intellect on a par with Joe Biden – like Bugs Bunny.

Jimmie K. takes the Europeans to task for their utter cluelessnes in the face of radioactive mullahs in Iran.

Those pistol packing pachyderms at Elephants in Academia take a few well aimed shots at Duke University for inviting the terrorist kissing, ex-calypso crooner Harry Belefonte to their MLK Day celebration.

AJ Strata has your global warming debunking post for the day.

Different River shows why going green can sometimes lead to showing the true colors of eco-nuts; they’re so full of it their eyes are brown.

Jerry Monaco has an interesting take on the Iraq War; “Here, all along I thought that the official line was that we had to stop Saddam Hussein from disobeying the orders from his masters in Washington.” Toldjya it was different.

Sixteen Volts per Minute takes on the “fat acceptance movement.” Move over Jesse Jackson (or rather, your better stand up ‘cause their ain’t enough room) you got company.

Josh Cohen’s enlightening piece on taking quotes out of context is a must read.

Cao writes about the controversy over John Murtha’s purple hearts.

Jay wants to Stop the ACLU from continuing to support Hamas. This puts their suit to prevent the NSA from listening in on their conversations with these terrorists in just a little bit different light, yes?

Dangerous Dan takes on the myth of conservative media bias.

Miriam skewers James Frey, the writer who made up large parts of his autobiography, and notes some other serial liars who have penned biographies.

Mayor Marion Barry would be a Cluebat Hall of Famer by now if he ever got to the major leagues. Matt Johnston shows why.

Bergbikr at TMH Bacon Bits has some fun with the news that plants are putting out a helluva lot of methane.

Adam discovered a gig at a writer’s job bank that any blogger would find…er, shall we say, insulting.

Finally, here’s my piece on Vladimir Zhirinovsky and his rant against Condi Rice.