Cue the trumpets! Play the fanfare! The March of the Cluebats has begun!

This week, we celebrate the induction of two totally unworthy, yet completely clueless denizens of the fever swamps of American politics into the Official Carnival of the Clueless Hall of Fame.

I always cry at these things…

As you might recall from last week, I listed the current Hall of Fame as it now stands:

1. Ted Kennedy
2. Hillary Clinton
3. John Kerry
4. Jimmy Carter
5. Pat Robertson

These members were chosen arbitrarily by me months ago based on the following criteria:

• Cluelessness demonstrated over a period of many years.

• A consistent track record of being clueless.

• Cluelessness above and beyond that demonstrated by others

• Originality and creativity in clueless behavior and statements.

As you can see, this is an extremely difficult Hall of Fame to crack. In short, the cluebat who wishes to be in the Hall must make every effort to be as clueless as possible over a long period of time and demonstrate that the cluelessness exhibited is far beyond what one would normally expect in another human being.

Many thanks to all our commenters last week as well as those who sent me emails. I appreciate all who gave a lot of thought to who should be nominated. We’ll start with the 2 finalists who didn’t quite make it this time.

HELEN THOMAS

This is what I wrote about Helen a few weeks ago after Richard Cohen referred to her as “indomitable:”

First of all, referring to Helen Thomas as “indomitable” is like calling a pig in a dress a prom queen. Thomas may be a lot of things – loud, obnoxious, disrespectful, kooky – but “indomitable” as a descriptive should be reserved for battleships, cancer survivors, and some race horses; not doddering old reporters who waddle around the press room talking about the glory days when Jack Kennedy prowled the White House looking for his next sexual conquest in the steno pool.

That just about sums up Helen’s qualifications for the Hall. The reason she didn’t make it this time is a question of notoriety. She’s a second tier cluebat. We will re-evaluate her status at the next Hall of Fame nominating session.

MICHAEL MOORE

First of all, I don’t think His Largeness could fit through the door of the Hall to give his acceptance speech so that kind of let him out right there.

Beyond that, Mrs. Moore just hasn’t been around long enough to garner the kind of clueless laurels our inductees have been able gather unto themselves over a period of many years. Mikey has been around a little more than a decade. Give him time – I’m sure with strenuous effort on his part, he has a real shot at making it some day.

With the preliminaries out of the way, I am now proud to announce our two new inductees into the Hall of Fame:

AL GORE

Citation:

For being more wrong, more often, and with more obnoxiousness than any politician since Jimmy Carter. Has been running for President since 1988 losing first to Michael Dukakis, then fellow cluebat Bill Clinton, and finally to George Bush. It is unknown at this time who he will lose to in 2008 but when he does, it will make him the biggest loser in the history of American politics.

Al Gore has succumbed to most of the loony conspiracy theories making the rounds in cluebat circles over the last five years which isn’t surprising given his less than penetrating intellect, his inability to differentiate between good and evil, and curious habit of dissing America while overseas in front of equally clueless foreigners.

JANE FONDA

Citation:

For demonstrating a cluelessness not only about politics, but also in one’s personal and professional life. Bad enough she sat on an anti-aircraft battery while visiting North Viet Nam back in the early 70’s; then she had to go and marry both the radical terrorist Tom Hayden and radical internationalist Ted Turner. And if there is a worse film ever made than Barbarella, we haven’t seen it.

In short…three strikes and she’s in.

I’m sorry if your candidate didn’t make it this time. Here’s hoping that leaving them out will spur them on to greater heights of cluelessness so that next time, they too can stand on the podium and wear that coveted crown made of Milk Thistle and receive the Plaque of Honor indicating their singular achievement of being named to the Carnival of the Clueless Cluebat Hall of Fame.

“Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t go to yours.”
(Yogi Berra, Hall of Fame baseball player)

“Hey Yogi! I think you’d fit in with our Hall of Famers too!”
(Me)

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Bergbikr of TMH Bacon Bits fills us in on the decade long effort to punish clueless Congressman Jim McDermott for leaking a private phone call between Republican congressmen to the New York Times.

Those placid pachyderms at Elephants in Academia are talking about explosives this week – as in blowing up Nevada with a new bunker busting bomb that has home state Senator Harry Reid demanding to be notified when a large part of his state is going to be annihilated.

Only one Swiftblog this week (last week we had three). This time it’s Dean Swift with a nice rant against Borders books for exhibiting clulessness for banning a magazine that dared show those cartoons of you know who.

The Liberal Wrong lives up to its billing and skewers Russ Feingold and the Democrats for trying to censure the President during wartime.

Cao has some real cluelessness in academia with Columbia University being totally unaware of what some people are using its computer equipment for.

Lots of cluelessness on display in Fausta’s piece on the heroic Cuban doctor Guillermo Fariñas who recently ended a hunger strike against deplorable conditions in the Cuban paradise. How about the UN Human Rights Commissioner who blames US support for democrats in Cuba for Castro’s oppression? Now that’s clueless.

Why don’t we just go ahead and give Congressman McKinney a great big dingo salute for being Cluebat of the Week by acclamation, shall we? Check out this piece from Josh Cohen on Mrs. Tin Foil hat.

Rofa Six has the viral video of the week. All girls school. “National School of Excellence.” And some guy is walking around asking the girls to sign a petition to “End Women’s Suffrage.” Absolutely. Hysterical.

Gullyborg has the clueless interview of the week with Liza Minnelli who has announced to one and all that she no longer wishes to be pleasured in the biblical way by anyone (nice pic of Gretchen Wilson btw! W00t!).

TIME FOR A LITTLE CARNIVAL SATIRE! FROM OUR UNSTABLE STABLE OF WRITERS!

The Baloney Press has a hilarious bit entitled “Congressional Democrats Prepare for Deployment to Afghanistan.”

Mr. Right has a one liner. Rodney Dangerfield is spinning, spinning in his grave.

Where do you suppose our favorite hippie chick Peace Moonbeam was during that march in LA for illegal immigrants?

Buckley F. Williams feasts on Morgan Spurlock, the filmmaker who lived on fast food for 30 days, gained 20 pounds, and is now a speaker on the high school circuit.

Bookmark this site, Avant News “Tomorrow’s News Today.”

MAKES SURE YOU CHECK THE CARNIVAL EVERY WEEK FOR THE BEST IN SATIRE!

Minh-Duc has a searing piece about a Balkan genocide denier. Must read.

Mark Coffey has a “Note to Debbie Schussel” – a blogger who finished in the runner up position for Cluebat of the Week.

Scientist, Interrupted asks “Who is the Real Enemy of our Wildlife?” The answer may not surprise you but the story is gut wrenching nonetheless.

Kurt at Fly by Night has the skinny on cluebat John Dean’s appearance at the Feingold hearing on censure. Anyone else find it more than a little ironic that the man who handled the cover-up for Nixon is lecturing us on executive branch lawbreaking? Just curious.

Here’s some typical Kender: “Why Bush is the best President Mexico ever had…” Read it and weep.

Adam takes us to the dark side of liberal blogs where shooting the President passes as humor.

Pat Curley is riding Kevin Phillips who has been flogging the “Republicans Party is run by religious nut” meme for years.

Lovely Pamela at Atlas Shrugs has some typical moonbattery. Seems that NYU had a free speech event and the first thing they did was ban those cartoons of you know who.

Jack Cluth demonstrating the intellectual honesty he’s justly famous for (plus knowing a good target for humor when he sees it) makes Representative McKinney his “Dumbass of the Week.”

Finally, here are some clueless emailers who filled my mailbox following my C-Span appearance last Sunday.