As many of you know, I am a blogger without a presidential candidate. Ever since I wrote that I believed John McCain was too old to be president, I have been precluded from giving voice to my support for any major candidate running for chief executive.
Sorry Jazz, I couldn’t consider Bob Barr. I think that the ascension of a libertarian to the office would be as disastrous as elevating Obama.
That said, many of you have rightly pointed out that I am entirely too negative on this blog and reading my posts on the presidential race is getting to be depressing. You wonder why I can’t write positive, uplifting posts about a candidate that I can get behind and support wholeheartedly. You question why I’m always coming down so hard on Obama and why I slap McCain around on a regular basis.
I hear you. As a writer, it’s easy to fall into a rut and reiterate the same points over and over again. How many times can I reveal Obama as the anti-Christ before you start groaning for relief? The same thing happens to commenters too. How many times can you call me a racist and not have it get old? There are only so many ways you can question my sanity, my intelligence, or the true nature of my ancestry.
Therefore, I have decided to temporarily endorse a candidate for president so that I can write positive, glowing blog posts which will advance the candidate’s attempt for high office.
There is little doubt that this candidate is qualified to be president. She has as much executive experience as Obama, is in much better condition than McCain, is prettier than Bob Barr, and has more common sense than Ralph Nader.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next President of the United States…My pet cat Snowball.
Have you ever seen such a vision of feline comeliness? Elegance oozes from every whisker. As far as agility and grace, she makes Obama look like an oaf. She is fearless, kind to grasshoppers, a terror to mice and rabbits, and possesses the innate intelligence and wisdom that this country so desperately needs.
Not qualified you say? Posh! There is as much evidence that she was born in the US and is not a naturalized American citizen as there is to prove the same of Obama. And while she has a little less experience in elected office than Obama, she makes up for that by having made herself queen of my house with all the attendant responsibilities that come with that title.
She is used to exercising authority as when she cuffs our aging Lothario Aramas for coming to close at feeding time. She has complete control of our borders in that any small, furry creature that dares try to enter illegally is summarily dealt with. Not much for due process, our Snowball.
Obama may be a better speaker, although a good argument can be made that when she speaks, she doesn’t meander off into platitudes and empty rhetoric. When Snowball deigns to vocalize her ideas, you know exactly what she is saying; “feed me,” “pet me,” “clean my litterbox you goof.”
A real straight shooter my girl is.
She is a natural politician. I swear you’d be hard pressed to understand what her position is on the economy, on Iraq, on the mortgage crisis, or any other issue – just like any other politicians. She flip flops naturally. And her fund raising ability is something to see. Who could resist that face?
I believe that Snowball, if she were on the ballot, would do very well in many red states and might even make inroads in places like New York and California where the population density of cats exceeds that of people. In short, not only might she be the best candidate, she might have a legitimate shot at throwing the race into the House of Representatives. At that point, all bets are off and anything can happen.
So I would urge you, my friends, to look at Snowball’s candidacy with the seriousness you might look at – oh, say Ralph Nader’s bid. The advantage there is that with Snowball as president, at least we’d know that meat would be on the menu.
I will, from time to time, post about Snowball’s ongoing candidacy just to break up the monotony of the campaign. I might point out that this nation has done worse in choosing a president; Carter, Buchanan, Grant, Hoover – Snowball has it all over them and then some.
If you want elegance, grace, beauty, courage, and that certain imperiousness that we love about our presidents, you can’t do better than support my Snowball for the office of President of the United States.