Snowball contemplates her Veep choices

Regular readers will recall that rather than choose either Obama or McCain as my candidate, I turned instead to my pet cat Snowball as a creature I could fully get behind for president.

The wisdom of this choice becomes more and more evident as the campaign goes along. As the other candidates have sniped and snarked at one another, Snowball has stayed above the fray with that kind of quiet dignity that only cats can aspire. She has not said a word against either McCain or Obama despite the fact that both have given her plenty of ammunition. And where both mainstream candidates have given the most fodder for attack is in the way they have gone about choosing their running mate.

Have you ever seen such a parade of worthless nobodies being considered for the second highest office in the land? John Nance Garner once famously referred to the Vice Presidency as “a warm bucket of spit.” Well these fellows whose names are being bandied about for the second spot are so inept they missed the spitoon altogether. On the Democratic side you have that legend in his own mind Joe Biden, the invisible governor of Virginia Tim Kaine, and Birch Bayh’s kid from Indiana who might be chosen so that Hoosiers are fooled into thinking that Obama holds views in the mainstream of American politics and henceforth shall ever be loyal Democratic voters.

That last is pretty funny, actually. Rock ribbed Indianians aren’t fooled into buying a pig in a poke so why Obama thinks he can pull the wool over their eyes by choosing Birch’s kid only shows how elitist and ignorant he truly is.

As for McCain, well we’re still waiting for him to whittle his list down to a baker’s dozen. The guy has been all over the lot, floating non-entity after non-entity. For McCain, it doesn’t seem to matter who might be acceptable to the rest of the party as much as how big a splash he can make with his pals in the press.

Is it any wonder I’m sticking with Snowy?

In Snowball’s case, she has a problem with youth and inexperience, being all of 3 years old. But to her credit, she at first tried to reach beyond her species and attempted to unite the country by choosing a candidate that reflects the diversity in our nation.

Her first choice was untenable. Robert the Rabbit may have all the qualities necessary to be president but his pro-choice beliefs would make him unacceptable to the base. (Robert says as far as choice is concerned, he chooses to say “yes” whenever the opportunity arises.)

Marty the Mole presented even more difficulties. Marty’s penchant to dig a hole and hide at the first sign of danger mirrored exactly the national security plank of the Democrats. But since the whole purpose of Snowball’s candidacy is to offer a complete break from the past and be totally independent of either party, she reluctantly concluded that Robert might make an excellent MSHA Administrator instead.

In desperation, Snowy turned to one of her nemesis, hoping that such a move would unite the country behind her candidacy. Alas, Rocky Racoon had his heart set on being president and there were concerns among her advisors that Rocky would seek to undermine rather than help her efforts. Rocky’s own supporters made that abundantly clear by threatening to stay home on election day or soil their bedclothes on purpose just to teach us all a lesson. Needless to say, that didn’t play well with Snowball who, after enduring weeks of their threats and blather, told them all to go hang.

So in the end, Snowy turned to an old reliable – stalwart, true, but not very bright. Snowball’s choice was my other pet cat Aramis:

Aramas responds to questions about his intelligence.

At the unveiling, the press went bananas:

“Is it true you jumped on the counter and ate most of a $40 rib roast?“Tell us about the time you ran outside without permission and walloped on a poor defenseless bird.”“Is it true you have committed several acts of murder and mayhem against mice?

Aramis may not be the brightest bulb in the room. But he is loyal and loving and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone or anything else.

If only Obama and McCain could be so lucky with their choices.