Marvin Moonbat is in the House!

CRAZED BABY KILLING TORTURERS MISS JOURNALIST (By Marvin Moonbat)

The assassination attempt on award winning Italian journalist (I’m not sure what award she won, but she deserves some kind of prize) Guiliana Sgrena carried out by the baby killing torturers who make up the Smirking Chimp’s Imperial Guard almost succeeded. Only the fact that the goober chewing, redneck, red state gun lovers couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle if their life depended on it saved the courageous truth teller from certain death.

I have to laugh at the wingnuts making a big deal about Ms. Sgrena being a communist. First of all, everyone knows that communists are the most reliable journalists around. How is this possible? Let me explain.

Since communists don’t have the best reputation for accuracy in reporting, all you have to do to get at the truth of the matter is to take what they write and transpose it so that what comes out is exactly the opposite of what they mean.

So when Sgrena says the “car was going slowly,” all you have to do is translate that to “the car was going 100 mph.”

See how simple that is?

And conversely, when she says that the “car was going so fast they almost lost control,” what she really means is “the car was going slowly, around 40 mph.”

I mean, this is so simple even a repugnut should be able to figure it out!

Pay no attention to the slight inconsistencies above. Both she and we know exactly what she means…I think.

Then there’s the question of how many bullets were fired at the car. In my opinion, the more the better. The fact that pictures of the car show very little damage is beside the point. It’s obvious our Imperial Storm Troopers need a little more practice shooting innocent civilians. I suggest they get more training by roaming the streets of Oklahoma City or some other red state enclave of tobacco chewing, gape jawed Christians who wouldn’t have the intelligence to get out of the way of a bullett unless it came attatched to a bible verse.

So when Sgrena says that “300 or 400 bulletts were fired at the vehicle by an armoured car” what she really means is that the redneck goobers fired a dozen or so rounds from a gas guzzling, pollution spewing Chevy pick-up truck supplied by Haliburton so that the baby killers would think they were back home screwing their cousins and firing off rounds into their neighbor’s car.

This would explain why so many shots missed.

And when Sgrena says that her kidnappers told her to “be careful because the Americans don’t want you to leave Iraq alive” you can take her at her word. Similarly, when she says that she doesn’t know why the incident happened, you can bet your booty that she’s telling the truth there too. Being confused is a sure sign of telling the truth.

Just look at Howard Dean.

All in all, this botched assassination attempt shows that Bushitler and his neocon Nazi’s will stop at nothing to prevent the truth from getting out.

Just what truth that is, I’m not sure. But it’s got to be pretty juicy for shrub’s Storm Troopers to go to the lengths they did in trying to kill the courageous Ms. Sgrena.

And I don’t want any sh*t in the comments about me not supporting the troops. Of course I support the troops…at least those who voted for Kerry. And I even support those who voted for the royal Chimp…in a roundabout sort of way. I support the idea that they should come home now. I don’t want to see them dead, maybe only wounded a little. That would get them home in a jiffy.

Well, that’s it for today. Chloe wants to go to a lecture tonight entitled “Ward Churchill: Kill ‘em All and Let God Sort it Out Later.”

Cross-Posted at Blogger News Network

Marvin is in the House!

WHY EVERYTHING GOOD THAT HAPPENS IN THE WORLD IS AN ACCIDENT AND EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS IS GEORGE BUSH’S FAULT (By Marvin Moonbat)

Watching what’s going on in the middle east is kind of puzzling. Here you have all these people in the streets demonstrating for…what? I mean, it’s not like things are going to change. After all, it’s the middle east fer crissakes. Listening to the wingnuts in this country you’d think some kind of revolution was under way or something.

So what happens if these people get to vote? Big deal! We get to vote all the time in this country and nothing changes; the repugnuts keep winning. Haliburton is still in business. And nobody’s been arrested for rigging the Ohio election last November. Show me the Chairman of Deibold Corporation in shackles and handcuffs doing the perp walk and then I’ll believe that things are gonna change.

All this brings me to the urban myth being spread by the republifascists that George Bush is responsible for all these supposedly good things happening in Lebanon, Egypt, Iraq, Afghanistan, and other places where these goofy Arabs are smiling and crying and raising a ruckus about “freedom.” This is ridiculous. George Bush is just lucky. The fact that there are 150,000 American troops in the middle east right now helping Iraq start some sort of “democracy” and the Bushitler made some grandiose statements about “freedom” and “liberty” at his innaugural has nothing to do with what’s going on over there. It’s pure coincidence.

Same thing happened to that doddering old wingnut Reagan. First he calls the commies an “evil empire.” Then he tells Gorby to “tear down this wall” and the next thing you know the freepers are saying the senile old coot had something to do with ending the cold war. This is nuts. First of all, there was no reason to tear down the Berlin wall. It was a perfectly good wall, less than 30 years old. It could have stood another 50 years or so. And it would have except those crazy Germans got it into their heads that they could throw off the fraternal bonds of friendship with the Soviets just so they could buy blue jeans and eat some decent food.

I mean, it’s not like they were starving to death. They had it pretty good as far as I can see. Free health care, cheap food and housing, and plenty of uplifting socialist rhetoric to feed the soul. And what did they trade that in for? A little comfort? A little more Freedom? MTV?

Well, I might have a started a revolution for MTV…but the rest?

And now we’‘re hearing the same thing about this freedom stuff in the middle east happening because Bushitler is lucky enough to be sitting on his butt in the White House smirking away while people are in the streets demonstrating for freedom. When are you wingnuts going to get it into your heads that our Chimp in Chief doesn’t have a clue? Everything bad that happens in the world is going on right now because of shrub’s policies. Look at all those people we’re killing in Iraq? Yeah, a lot of them are terrorists but who set America up as the judge, jury, and executioner? We should arrest those people and give them a fair trial. Better that than killing them for God’s sake!

Well, gotta go. Chloe wants to study for our “American Imperialsm and Capitalism Exploitation” mid-term. Since I haven’t cracked open the text book yet, I better get started.

Marvin Moonbat appears every Friday courtesy of “Moveonalready.org”

Cross-Posted at Blogger News Network

Marvin is in the House!

WHO SLEPT WITH GANNON? (By Marvin Moonbat)

One of my major responsibilities as a member of the Reality Based Community (RBC) is to speculate on repugnut wrongdoing and then announce my findings before any evidence is found.

While this may sound a little odd, I would direct your attention to the debate over global warming. Or the obvious White House involvement in the 9/11 conspiracy. We in the RBC never let subjective things like “facts” get in the way of our search for truth. First of all, if we did that we wouldn’t have much of a case, would we? But more to the point, it’s important how you feel about an issue. This is what separates us from you unfeeling, uncaring wingnuts. Emotions play a vitally necessary role in uncovering the truth.

For instance, I can feel the truth surrounding the Jimmy Jeff scandal. I don’t have any evidence about some of these things yet, but know them to be true because I believe them to be. Sort of like “wishful thinking” except its better because being a member of the RBC, I’m endowed with an insight and intelligence far beyond what any wingnut would consider to be “average.” It sort of places me in a special, self-selected “aristocracy of the mind.”

Pretty cool, huh?

So I’m looking at this Jimmy Jeff scandal and saying to myself “Marvin, something isn’t quite right here.” Here you’ve got this gay escort with no journalism credentials working for a partisan rag who uses an assumed name and gets a White House press pass to lob softball questions at the President’s Press Secretary Scott McClellan. That just simply isn’t fair. Why there must be dozens of White House reporters who’d love to ask McClellan questions…you know, important, non-partisan ones like “Is the President upset with the fact that he’s murdered a million Iraqi’s and has the blood of 1500 American soldiers on his hands?

Just once I’d like to hear a reporter ask as good non-partisan question like that!

Anyway, it’s got to be obvious to anyone with half a brain-like those of us in the RBC-that Jimmy Jeff had to be sleeping around to get this kind of treatment. The only question is who? Here’s my list of probables:

Karl (The Blade) Rove

I know that by mentioning his name, I’m probably going to have my mail opened and my hard drive searched, but can anyone doubt that Karl Rove is intimately (chuckle) involved in this scandal? Nothing that goes on in the White House (or the world for that matter) is beyond Rove’s Machievellian reach. It stands to reason that since no woman would ever sleep with him (he’s pretty ugly after all) Rove has to get his jollies from somebody, somewhere. Who better than a fake newsman? In typical Rove fashion, he kills two birds with one stone. He gets a partisan hack into the press room while playing a little slap and tickle on the side.

I heard he met Jimmy Jeff in a gay Republican chat room on the internet. His handle was either “The Blade” or “The Prince.” I’m still investigating.

Dick (“Big D”) Cheney

Dick Cheney has been called “A Man’s Man” for more reasons than one! It’s obvious he swings both ways. He is, after all from Wyoming. What else is there to do in frickin’ Wyoming for God’s sake!

Piece of evidence #2; Did you ever notice that Cheney is never in the White House Press Room? He’s just too clever by half! He knows that if he ever showed up in the Press Room and the reporters saw he and Jimmy Jeff looking at each other they’d know right away that the two of them were havinga little tete a tete, so to speak. (Hee Hee!) We in the RBC are particularly good at discovering links when there’s no evidence to support them.

I think that Jimmy Jeff met Cheney at a White House Christmas party last year after Rove had tired of his little “boy toy” and passed him on to his old buddy Dick. It makes sense. Again, it’s Rovethink. He gets Cheney involved in a homo relationship and then gets to hold it over his head if Cheney tries to step out of line.

Brilliant!

The Smirking Bonobo

Well…why not? In case you didn’t know, Bonobos are closely related to chimapanzees but have a different social structure. They use sex to solve problems in the group. Sort of like Chloe and me. Whenever we have a problem, we screw like rabbits for three days. By the time were exhausted, we’ve forgotten what we were fighting about…or at least I’ve forgotten about it. I’m not so sure about Chloe…

Sex and power…that’s what its all about. Doesn’t matter if its with a woman or a man, everyone knows that Presidents have sex with everything and everyone. It’s the way they maintain dominance. You’ve heard the rumors about Condi and Georgie? Well, why not Georgie and Jimmy Jeff? Besides, there are other rumors I’ve heard. How about Georgie and Rummy? How else can you explain our Chimp in Chief keeping Donnie as Secretary of Defense? Or Georgie and Alberto. I mean, why else would the President name a Hispanic as Attorney General? Everyone knows wingnuts hate Hispanics. It’s got to be something else.

There are other rumors about our chickenhawk President that I’m checking out right now. If any of them pan out into full blown unwarranted speculation, I’ll let you know.

It’s Friday at the House and that can mean only one thing. Time for Marvin Moonbat to give his take on things from the left side of everything.

TOP FIVE CRIMES COMMITTED BY JEFF GANNON NOT BEING REPORTED BY THE MEDIA (By Marvin Moonbat)

First of all, do you like the picture of Chloe and me? It was taken at the Bush Inaugural last month by my friend “Mr. X.” X-Man was great! He taught us how to make stink bombs and how to set them off so you didn’t get slammed by them. He also tried to teach us how to get arrested the right way. Chloe never learned how because she’s so ticklish that whenever the cops touched her she got to laughing so hard she almost lost it. The cops got scared because they thought she was nuts and never took her in. Boy was she pissed! She wanted to get a arrested in the worst way.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard of Jeff Gannon, the wingnut Republican newsguy who operated gay porn sites and worked as a gay escort. Can you imagine? Right in the middle of the Bush White House! Anyway, I’ve uncovered several additional crimes committed by Jeff Gannon that you need to be aware of because big media won’t publish them, being in Bush’s pocket and all.

1. Gannon killed Kennedy

This one was easy. You’ve all seen Oliver Stone’s movie JFK. Stone proved conclusively that Kennedy was killed by a cabal of homosexuals.

Clay Shaw was gay. David Ferrie was gay. Gannon is gay. Gannon asked softball questions at White House press briefings. Oswald was gay and an ex-Marine. Gannon is gay and an ex-Marine.

How much more evidence do you need?

2. Gannon killed Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe liked men. Gannon likes men. Monroe liked Kennedy. Gannon killed Kennedy. Gannon asked softball questions at White House press briefings. Gannon killed Monroe because they both liked men and because Gannon is gay.

The logic is inescapable.

3. Gannon is behind Abu Gahraib Prison Torture

Gannon is gay. He owns gay porn sites. The Abu Gahraib prison photos are of naked men. Gannon needed pictures of naked men for his gay porn sites. Gannon asked softball questions at White House press briefings. Gannon is gay.

Sometimes, I surprise even myself.

4. GANNON PAID BY BUSHITLER TO PROMOTE ANTI-GAY MARRAIGE AMENDMENT

Republicans hate gays. Gannon is gay. Gannon is a Republican. Gannon is confused. Gannon asked softball questions at White House press briefings. Gannon got money for prostituting himself. The White House thought they were paying a newsman to promote the anti-gay marriage amendment. They were really paying for gay orgies in the White House press room where Wolf Blitzer danced on a table naked with a lamp shade on his head.

Why is the press suppressing this story?

5. GANNON RAN GAY ESCORT SERVICE OUT OF OVAL OFFICE

Gannon is a Republican. Shrub is a republican. Gannon is gay. Men are seen coming and going all day out of the Oval Office. Gay escort services have men coming and going all day out of their offices. Gannon is gay. Gannon has experience running gay escort servies. Shrub likes to hire people with experience. Gannon asked softball questions at White House press briefings. Shrub is stew-pid. All Republicans are liars. Gannon is gay.

Are the American people going to sit still for this?

Chloe thinks I’m obsessing over this issue but I don’t think so. She’s reading some book by that woman Andrea Dworkin who says that all sex is rape. Come to think of it, she’s been looking at me kind of strangely lately. And what was that all about the other night when she asked me to get dressed up like a Nazi and spank her?

I swear, I’ll never understand women.