Right Wing Nut House

Winter in all its fury has descended on northern Illinois. Today is the first day in more than a week that the temp has climbed into the 20’s after a low last night that once again plunged below zero. The previous high for the last 8 days was 11 degrees with nightime temperatures so bitterly cold that keeping a trickle of water running from each faucet in the house was a necessity lest one of the water pipes burst.

It has been so cold that the Coke and Pepsi in the refrigerator we keep in the garage froze and exploded. It has been so cold that joints in the walls of the house have been contracting and expanding, making loud, worrisome popping noises in the middle of the night. If you were dumb enough to be outside for any length of time as I was on Thursday shoveling a couple of inches of snow that dusted the area, you begin to notice within 5 minutes or so that you’ve either lost your nose or that it’s so cold, frostbite becomes a real danger.

The cold makes you feel like a trapped animal. I can imagine Cro Magnon man dealing with winters in Europe 40,000 years ago. This is before the current global warming trend that started when the last ice age ended 20,000 years ago and when winters were really bad - not these blessedly warm winters we are experiencing thanks to man-made Global Warming. Our ancestors only had a roaring fire and crude shelters to keep the cold from killing them. During stretches like the one were experiencing now, I’ll bet the smell in their living quarters gave new meaning to the word “ripe.” Too cold to go outside and use the Necessary.

I wonder how they amused themselves? Probably by talking about how cold it was. There is nothing that breaks the ice between strangers in weather like this than, well, talking about weather like this. We commiserate with each other, united in our misery while relating amusing anecdotes that exaggerate our distress. Surprisingly, it makes us feel better to know that everyone else is suffering. And if you’re a real cad, you hope they’re suffering more than you.

Actually, our ancestors almost certainly had a rich, oral storytelling tradition so if you were a kid, it was probably a fascinating time to sit around the fire, munching on a deer haunch, and listening to how the clan’s elders had to walk 5 miles to school with a bear on their back when they were your age or maybe sit in awe of some old greybeard while he talked about the time he singlehandedly brought down a Mammoth with nothing but a hunting ax and a broken spear.

But even that must have gotten old after a while. Maybe that’s when early man invented the board game. Or perhaps playing cards. Must have been pretty awkward trying to figure out whether you should bid 4 or 5 hearts when holding 13 pieces of tanned animal hide. And can you imagine playing Clue? “My guess is Mr. Boarstooth. In the cave. With a Mammoth tusk.”

Boredom killing is an ancient human concern. It almost certainly contributed to the development of speech in our species. Here we were, hundreds of thousands of years ago with these great big brains, going out of our minds just sitting in front of a fire with the rest of the clan watching wood burn. What do you suppose were the first words spoken? I’ve got an idea that some brilliant guy, much smarter than the rest, who had his eye on the comely brunette sitting across the cave from him picking lice out of her hair probably caught her eye, winked, and said “Yuwanna?”

Because obviously, sex is the best way to kill boredom. Put a little Barry White on the stereo (I prefer metal actually. Zsu Zsu likes Enya) and you can kill a couple of hours no problem. Of course, when I was younger, I could kill two or three days so occupied. Whoever said “Growing old sucks” had it just about right. “It” is not the first thing to go as you age. But about the time you realize that bending down to pick up a penny you dropped wasn’t quite as easy as you remember it and when you can’t think of the last time you saw the clock strike midnight, it’s time to start worrying.

If you’ll excuse me, Zsu Zsu just put on A Day Without Rain so I’m going to be busy for the next few hours - at least.

A day without rain is nice. A day where the temp gets above 40…priceless.