SOME HEADLINES YOU WON’T SEE IN 2005
1. OSAMA BIN LADEN CAPTURED. DEMS DECRY “UNFAIR TREATMENT”
The world’s most wanted terrorist Osama Bin Laden was captured today while trying to purchase a Vanilla Coke at a local market in Karachi, Pakistan.
CIA and FBI agents swooped down on and captured the Saudi national after receiving a tip that the mastermind of 9/11 was experiencing problems with the Coke machine in his mountain hideout. “It’s the only stall in all of Karachi that sells the shit,” said Staff Sargent Scooter “Hit Man” McGee who was in on the capture.
Democrats in Congress lambasted President Bush for the unfair way in which Mr. Bin Laden was captured. “What does it say to the rest of the world that we would wait in ambush to capture this suspect like a bunch of cowardly dogs,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “The French would have done it much differently,” she sniffed…
2.EARTHQUAKE RATTLES WEST COAST. DEMS START IMPEACHMENT PUSH
A strong earthquake measuring 6.9 on the Richter scale struck the west coast today causing widespread damage but little loss of life. The epicenter of the quake was centered 12 miles from downtown San Francisco.
Democrats in Congress accused President Bush of having foreknowledge of the quake and deliberately holding back information so that liberals and gays would die. Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) pointed out that a psychic in the news magazine “The World” had predicted an earthquake at the beginning of the year but was ignored by the administration.
“This was deliberate murder,” said McKinney. “The President knew this quake was coming and did nothing because he wants liberals and gays to die. Oh yes…and black people too,” McKinney added.
Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee have started formal proceedings to impeach the President on grounds of “Being really, really dumb”…
3. UNITED STATES PLEDGES $450 BILLION IN TSUNAMI RELIEF. “TOO MUCH” SAYS KOFI
The United States today pledged $450 billion in direct aid to the tsunami ravaged countries of Asia and promised to rebuild every mosque destroyed in the disaster.
The news was greeted with violent demonstrations in muslim countries as moderate clerics decried American “religous imperialism” and promised to behead any muslim who worshipped in the “christian built outhouses” constructed with the aid.
In a related development, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan criticised President Bush for giving too much in disaster relief. “It makes other countries look bad. It make the United Nations look bad. And it makes ME look bad,” Annan said. He called for an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council to discuss ways in which the UN could tap into the $450 billion and distribute it “in the best humanitarian traditions” of the United Nations. Mr. Annan mentioned the “superlative” job the UN did in distributing aid to Iraq during …
4. DEMOCRATS CHANGE MASCOT FROM DONKEY TO OSTRICH
In a move to energize their liberal base, the Democratic National Committee today voted unanimously to make the ostrich the party’s mascot. The flightless bird that buries its head in the sand at the first sign of danger replaces the party’s long-time symbol, the donkey.
A move to replace the ass with a stylized rat was squelched by animal rights activists who accused the party leadership of being insensitive to “millions of rats held in bondage” in American laboratories…
5. MICHAEL MOORE EXPLODES
The body of controversial filmaker Michael Moore exploded today. The incident occurred at “Sven’s Swedish Smorgasborg and Pizza Parlor” near the portly propagandists Bel Air home. Two other customers were slightly injured in the blast and police cordoned off a two block area due to excessive levels of hot air.
Longtime friend and fellow director Oliver Stone pointed to a probable CIA conspiracy. Citing surveilance video taken in the restaraunt at the time of the blast, Stone claims to have clear evidence of foul play.
“If you look closely at the video you can clearly see Mike’s head go back and to the left…back and to the left…”
6. BLOGGERS ARRESTED IN INTERNET SEX “STING”
Markos Moulitsas Zúniga and Anna Marie Cox, AKA “Kos” and “Wonkette” were arrested last night and charged with felony solicitation of a child, lewd acts, and extraordinarily stupid punditry.
A policeman posing on the internet as a 14 year old girl lured the two members of the Reality Based Community to a McDonalds in surburban Washington, D.C. where they were promptly arrested. An Attorney for Mr. Moulitsas denied the charges saying that his client was doing “valuable research” for his website on “The harmful effects of faith-based sexual abstinence programs for teenage girls.”
A lawyer for Ms. Cox claimed her client was ready to face the consequences. “Anna Marie knows that some of the best writing in history has been done from a prison cell,” her lawyer said. “Besides, she believes that prison will expand her sexual horizons and give her a larger vocabulary of dirty words to use on her site”…
UPDATE: FISHING FOR LINKS
Outside the Beltway is wishing everyone a happy new year with a linkorama. I’m gonna link this post and wish all visitors from that excellent site many happy returns!