MARVIN MUSINGS
This being Friday, it’s once again time for my neighbor Marvin Moonbat to give his take on things from the left side of the political spectrum.
WHY IRAQ IS EXACTLY LIKE VIET NAM ONLY WORSE
(By Marvin Moonbat)
Well, my bags are packed and I’m ready to go. As soon as our Chimp in Chief announces the reinstatement of the draft, I’m outa here. Canada maybe. Or Australia. My girlfriend Chloe wants us to go to the mountains of Bolivia and live off the land using only our hands and our wits. I said that’s out. First off, they only have one TV station (WGN out of Chicago). And the way I look at it, any country that isn’t civilized enough to carry MTV 2 (You know, the good MTV station that still plays videos and not that other one that only shows the reality shows and stupid interviews with hip-hop drag queens) isn’t worth living in.
Secondly, they don’t speak English! Chloe says I’m too Eurocentric (I think I know what that means) but I don’t care. I nearly flunked Spanish in high school and I would hate the idea of having to order pizza in Spanish. (UPDATE: Chloe tells me there’s only one Pizza Hut in Cochabamba and they don’t deliver. That cuts it.)
Anyway, I’m history when the draft comes back. And believe me it’s going to. Why? Because Bushitler and the neocons are going to need plenty of bodies when they begin invading the other countries of the middle east for their oil.
Which brings me to our subject for today. Here are my top three reasons why Iraq is exactly like Viet Nam only much, much worse.
1. Oil
What’s that you say? There’s no oil in Viet Nam? This may be true, although according to the CIA World Fact Book there are some offshore deposits. What I mean is, you have to use your brain to make the connection.
Look, I’ll make it easy on you; when I say oil, you think “Pepsi-Cola.” The reason we sent millions of soldiers to Viet Nam and sacrificed 55,000 American lives was so that Tricky Dick Nixon’s buddies at Pepsi Cola would have new customers. The evidence is overwhelming. Ask anybody who was there and they’ll tell you. There was no Coca-Cola in Nam! It was Cola Imperialism that drove American foreign policy. Just like in Iraq. Only this time it’s oil. And Yoo-hoo.
One of the Smirking Chimp’s bigger contributors is the CEO of Cadbury, the people who make Yoo-hoo. The Iraq war is as much about bringing the chocolate flavored beverage to the middle east as anything else. Why there’s even talk of Cadbury introducing a hollow chocolate “Mohammed” to go along with it’s Santa Claus and Easter Bunny products. Should be a big seller.
2. Quagmire
Face it, we’re stuck in Iraq. Just like we were stuck in Viet Nam.
Some wingnuts have asked me “Well, what do you want us to do, cut and run?” My answer is yes. A little humiliation is just what this country needs. Besides, we deserve it. I’d really like to see the United States brought down a peg or two. It would be enormously satisfying.
Why, just the other day I was watching C-Span and I heard this great speech by someone who I’ve never heard of before. His name is Ward Churchill and he’s a teacher at Colorado State. He’s an Indian so he knows what he’s talking about. He says that the attacks on 9/11 were our own damn fault and besides, we had it coming because of our imperialsims and all. He really made a lot of sense to me.
What really made me think he knew what he was talking about is when he compared our Liar in Chief to Hitler and the neocons to the nazis. Boy, is he smart! I’m going to see if we can’t get him to speak at our school. (UPDATE: I just read that Professor Churchill may not be a real Indian. Why should that matter? His heart is in the right place on the issues so he’s OK by me.)
3. Senator Kennedy Says So
I love Senator Kennedy. Whenever he speaks, I get the feeling that here’s a man who really, really cares! He cares about the poor. He cares about the aged. He cares about minorities. He cares and cares and cares until he almost just doesn’t care anymore.
Kennedy is sort of like our Ronald Reagan, only fatter. And he drinks, but that’s OK. And he has a problem with women, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a feminist. And then there was that little incident with the car, and the bridge, and the sheriff, and the coroner, and…Well, let’s just say that’s all water under the bridge and let it go at that.
If Ted Kennedy says that Iraq is George Bush’s Viet Nam you gotta believe him. It was his own brother that made Viet Nam a big deal by increasing our troop levels from 800 under that smirking war monger Eisenhower to more than 10,000 by 1963. So Senator Kennedy knows what he’s talking about.
I mean, you really have to admire the guy. Who else would have such an exquisite sense of timing to call for a withdrawal of American forces from Iraq just three days before their election? Brilliant! Not only did it undermine shrub’s Iraq policy (deservedly) but it also made those stupid Iraqi’s see that there was no hope for them as long as America was an occupying power. Better to have the United Nations administer the country with the French and Germans taking the lead. Now those countries know what they’re doing when it comes to occupying. Especially Germany, whose occupation experience is a little more recent.
When Senator Kennedy speaks, we liberals listen. We’ve been doing it for a long time and look where its gotten us?
Well, I’ve got to run. Chloe wants to go to a lecture on global warming. Did you know that global warming was invented by the Pentagon to save money so they wouldn’t have to buy winter gear for the soldiers? It’s true. I read it on the internet.