Right Wing Nut House

You may have heard that Howard Dean will be appearing this Sunday with the maestro himself, Tim Russert on NBC’s “Meet the Press.” Since I’m pretty lazy on Sunday and don’t feel like interrupting my “Nicktoons” viewing for anything, I thought I’d pay a visit to my good friend and inventor Professor Hawkinshank.

Now the Professor has a marvelous invention he calls a “TV Time Portal” that allows the viewer to see future TV shows. Isn’t that something? For instance, I already know who wins “American Idol.” And I’ve already seen Michael Moore’s next three movies. Surprise! They’re clunkers. Now, the Professor made me swear that I wouldn’t reveal anything more than 4 days into the future…something to do with anti-gravitons doing a deadly dance with proto-energy. Evidently this wouldn’t do too much damage to the space-time continuum. I’m sure you’d have no problems. Everyone can get used to eating upside down.

But I was curious to see how the Reverend Dean would deal with the relentless Mr. Russert. So the Professor allowed me to view and take notes on this very interesting and revealing interview:

Russert: Welcome to Meet the Press Dr. Dean.

Dean: Please call me Governor. I’m not really a Doctor. My wife’s the Doctor. I mean, one of the reasons I ran for Governor was because I couldn’t hack it as a physician. I wanted to be a vet, did you know that Tim?

Russert: No Governor I didn’t. Now let’s…

Dean: Really, I did. I wanted to be a vet. Love animals. Love dogs.

Russert: Right. Now Governor, let’s talk about the Democratic Party. Where do you see the party heading in the near future?

Dean: Are you kidding? We’re going down faster than a $5 whore on Saturday night. I have no idea how to turn this damn thing around nor do I have a clue about what I’m doing. But I’m good on the internet! I’m great at raising those small donations - you know, the really small ones.

Russert: Yes, you’re a legend in your own mind. Now, Governor, the FEC report recently released shows that Republicans raised approximately twice the amount of money that you and the Democrats did. Why is this?

Dean: Simple. They cheat. Republicans always cheat. Just because your political party comes up with good ideas with attractive candidates to sell those ideas doesn’t mean your any better than us. It’s cheating. It’s what Republicans do. Besides, I raised more “small money” than the Republicans did. When it comes to raising between $5.00 and $10.00 donations, no one can touch me. I’m the champ.

Russert: Yes…Let me ask you this. A few months ago you said Republicans are evil. Do you want to retract that statement?

Dean: I said what I said and I’ll stand by it to the death…unless it offends blacks, feminists, gays, union people or old folks. And yes, Republicans are evil. They’ve hijacked religion, I tell you. They’re trying to make it seem like Democrats hate religion. That’s not so. I’ve made it a point to include at least 3 references to God in every speech I make. If that doesn’t convince people we Democrats are religious, I don’t know what will. We’re going to talk about “God” and “values” and maybe even throw in a few “Jesus” in those states where the guys have the shotguns and confederate flags on their pick up trucks. When it comes to religion, nobody is going to be holier than me.

Russert: Right…Governor, Senator Harry Reid, the Senator Minority Leader and one of the leaders of your party recently called the President a “loser.” Would you like to take this opportunity to denounce that kind of negative attack?

Dean: Denounce it? Hell, I told him to say it! Winning two wars and two elections and getting just about everything you want from Congress doesn’t make you a winner, ya know. There are other standards a President should be measured against.

Russert: For instance?

Dean: For instance….

Russert: Yes? You were saying?

Dean:

Russert:

Dean:

Russert: I see. Well Doctor, one more question. Who will be the nominee of the Democratic Party for President in 2008?

Dean: Now Tim, you know it’s much too early to speculate about that but I will say this. We’re going to campaign in every state in the nation. Not only are we going to New Hampshire, we’re going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we’re going to California and Texas and New York. And we’re going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we’re going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House.

YAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!

Russert: Thank you Doctor…er Governor Dean.