Most of you know that Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama held a secret meeting at an undisclosed location in Washington, D.C. yesterday.

What you don’t know is that The House has obtained a super secret transcript of their brief but telling conversation.

The meeting took place at a secret hideway used by Mrs. Clinton to decompress after especially tough days on the Hill or the campaign trail. The joint statement released by both sides only gives the bare bones of what was discussed:

“Senator Clinton and Senator Obama met tonight and had a productive discussion about the important work that needs to be done to succeed in November,” their campaigns said in joint statement.

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HRC: (Opening door): Senator Obama, how nice of you to come.

BHO: My pleasure, Senator Clinton. I sincerely hope we can paper over any differences we might have and bring this party together in order to defeat the Republicans in November.

HRC: (Giggling) Um…sure Barry. Whatever you say. Won’t you sit down?

BHO:  Alright. (Glances at coffee table top) I’m not sure I appreciate the symbolism of the dueling pistols, Hillary.

HRC: (Innocently) Er, symbolism? Oh, those old things? They belonged to Andy Jackson, you know.

BHO: Jackson was a slaveowner.

HRC: And a man who knew how to settle political arguments (eyes gleaming). Shall we say dawn, in front of the Lincoln Memorial, at 20 paces?

BHO: Did you bring me over here to challenge me to a duel?

HRC: You said you wanted to settle our differences. I think we should explore all the options.

BHO: I think not.

HRC: Oh, very well. Rock, paper, scissors it is then.

BHO: What are you talking about?

HRC: Rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper…are you telling me you never played that game?

BHO: Hillay, can we please get serious about this? We’re talking about the future of the country here.

HRC: So it’s serious you want to be? Very well then, I’ll cut you for the nomination – high card wins.

BHO: (Exasperated) Senator Clinton, in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve already sewn up the nomination. I’ve got the delegates. I’ve got the Superdelegates. Howard Dean loves me. The press adores me.

HRC: No.

BHO: (Smiling patiently) Now Hillary, you’ve got to face the facts.

HRC: No.

BHO: I won fair and square. You’ve got to accept that it’s over for you.

HRC: (Voice rising) Over? Who says it’s over? Nothing is over until I say it is.

(Male voice from the bedroom) You tell ‘em hon.

BHO: Who’s that. Don’t tell me it’s…

HRC: For God’s sake, Bill. You really can’t keep your mouth shut about anything, can you? C’mon out now. No use trying to hide.

WJC: (Sheepishly) I’s just takin’ a nap, is all.

BHO: You’re not even supposed to be here, Mr. President.

HRC: He’s right, Bill. Run along now.

WJC: But pumpkin, you need me.

HRC: No, Barry’s right. This is between us. You go sit at the bar across the street and I’ll meet you there when this is over.

WJC: Yes sugar.

HRC: And Bill – keep your hands off the waitresses.

(Exit a chastened WJC)

BHO: (Wryly) Any more surprises?

HRC: Perhaps we should cut to the chase. I am prepared to offer you the Ambassadorship to Senegal if you concede the nomination.

BHO: (Losing patience) Now see here, I’ve had just about enough of this nonsense. If you…

HRC: Not good enough for you, eh? Very well. How about Secretary of Commerce? We could use a bright lad like you in the cabinet.

BHO: (Incredulous) Do you live in a dreamworld? I’m it! I’m the chosen one! The party has spoken.

HRC: These kinds of temporary setbacks are common in politics. I’m still very much alive in this race.

BHO: How can you say that? Every network, every wire service, every major newspaper has annointed me as the nominee.

HRC: But only on paper, Barry. We both know that the people support me, that their hearts belong to me. Ask any white, middle class Democrat and they’ll tell you who should be the nominee.

BHO: Still playing the race card? I thought better of you once.

HRC: Not at all my half Kenyan friend. Facts are facts. And since I’m feeling especially generous today, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. If you concede the nomination, once I’m president I’ll make you Ambassador to the United Nations and back your bid for Illinois governor in 2012.

BHO: I feel like I’ve landed on another planet.

HRC: Sorry, I promised that post to Edwards.

BHO: Do I have to publicly humiliate you to get you to see reason? I didn’t want to do this but I must tell you, I have pictures…

HRC: Pictures?

BHO: Of your husband. In the bridal suite of the International Hotel in Bangkok.

HRC: What’s he doing?

BHO: Do you remember the “Miss Universe Pageant” held there a few months ago? Let’s just say that Bill was engaged in a little private judging with three of the contestants in the “out of swimsuit” category.

HRC: I see. Well, that almost tops my tape of Michelle going off about “Whitey” at Trinity United from a few years ago.

BHO: You…you actually have that tape.

HRC: Yup.

BHO: Yes, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I’m the nominee and that you appear to be prepared to wreck the party to contest that notion.

HRC: (Resigned) Oh, very well. With the press in your pocket, there really doesn’t appear to be much hope for me anyway. So when are you going to name me your Vice Presidential nominee?

BHO: (Sputtering) You can’t be serious. Why your husband alone is enough to keep you off the ticket. He’s a time bomb waiting to go off not to mention how truly nasty he was all throughout the campaign. Besides, I don’t feel like hiring a food taster every time we sit down to eat. Never – never in a million years would I even consider naming you vice president on the ticket.

HRC: Right. But when are you going to make the announcement?

BHO: I need an aspirin…

(End of transcript)