AMERICA CAN PERFECT SOCIALISM
First, they tried it in Russia. Bread lines, sausage lines, blue jean lines, lines for toilet paper, lines to ask what line to get in so that you could get on a waiting list to stand in another line to get a place of your own and be able to leave the 1 room apartment you were sharing at age 30 with your wife, two kids, mommy and daddy, your no good brother in law, your gramma, and crazy uncle Ivan who liked to re-enact the Battle of Stalingrad at the most inopportune times.
The only things you didn’t have to stand in line for were lard and vodka. This is why they couldn’t make socialism work in Russia; fat, drunk people who were told “If you think you’ve got it bad, you should see how awful it is in the west.”
There were no more surprised people in the history of civilization than the Russian proletariat once satellites began beaming shows like Dallas and Falconcrest through the Iron Curtain. At the time, TASS was still showing film of race riots from the 1960’s and calling it “breaking news.” The big drawback, of course, is that the image that replaced greedy capitalists oppressing workers was that of greedy capitalists playing around on their wives with gorgeous women half their age while trying to cheat their family. A good question could be asked whether it was better to be thought of as Babbitt or J.R. Ewing?
They couldn’t make socialism work in Russia - something in the water probably. Neither could socialism find its legs in Poland, Hungary, and a half dozen other European countries that don’t even exist any more. Shared scarcity does not, it turns out, bring people together in a spirit of socialist brotherhood and comity. In fact, it sets people at each other’s throats, as the battle cry “I will get mine before you get yours and failing that, I will prevent you from enjoying what you get” was heard throughout Mittel Europa.
Making its way eastward, they then tried to impose socialism on a civilization that nearly invented, well, civilization. There are no more practical people on the planet than the Chinese, having gotten that way by outlasting every attempt to govern them effectively over a 3,000 year period. True libertarians, them. Unfortunately, the busybodies of the Chinese nanny state wouldn’t leave the peasants alone who after all, were perfectly happy using an ox to plow their fields and plant their rice by hand rather than do the modernization thing. Some village commissars were surprised to return to farms where they had delivered a shiny new tractor only to discover the peasants having turned the mechanical beast into a distillery.
(What is it about socialism that turns people into raging alcoholics?)
A few years ago, the Chicom thugs gave into the inevitable and decided to go with the flow, acknowledging that the underground capitalist economy was far outperforming the official socialist one which, as usual, was causing the government to rethink their “Five Year Plans” every 6 months or so. The only stipulation the government imposed on would be entrepreneurs was that they pay protection money to the government (both over and under the table).
Even the Chinese People’s Army dove in to the capitalist craze that hit China. They found it efficacious to contribute to certain Democratic presidential candidates in order to get access to technology that could, in a pinch, be used to destroy the very people who were selling the secrets. No doubt the generals who were growing fabulously rich selling stuff to their own government thought that this was a pretty good tradeoff. It’s not everyday you get to make money off your enemy’s foolhardiness.
Western capitalists swarmed the ancient cities with Euro-signs in their eyes. If we thought that a few thousand American and European businessmen bringing ideas like “Free Labor, Free Markets, Free Men” would change a civilization that was inventing block printing when Europeans were still living in dirt hovels, we had another thing coming. The magic of western capitalism and the obscenity of Mao’s socialism did not impress nor did it disturb the rhythms of life that had kept time for several milenia.
The people, having seen it all for 3,000 years shrugged and went back to using ox dung to fertilize their fields and wooden hoes to tend the crops. They’ve learned to use the tractor but last I heard, it still doubles as a still.
One would think that having failed in two of the most populous nations on earth that socialism would have died of natural causes - or been executed for crimes against common sense and humanity. Ah, but you underestimate its adherents. You see, it wasn’t socialism that failed. It was the people who tried to implement it! They are at fault, not the crazy quilt logic, the jaw dropping contradictions, the counterintuitive view of human nature, or the contrived diktats of bureaucrats who think a “market” is some place you go to stand in line for moldy beets.
That is why our friends across the pond in what we used to call western industrialized civilization - now not very western, less industrial, and an open question whether it is still “civilized” in any meaningful sense - decided to dip their toe into the socialist pool and see if they couldn’t make a go of it.
Listening to our own homegrown socialists here talking about how it is over there, you would think that the Europeans had discovered the secret to immortality or at least found the Fountain of Youth so gushy they are about how good the Euros have it. Cradle to grave care, a 36 hour workweek, nearly impossible to get fired, real nice trains, and a list of social services that would make an American’s head swim.
Of course, they also have high suicide, drug addiction, alcoholism, and divorce rates. They don’t have children either because they hate them or think them an impediment to their lifestyle. The vast majority of them live drab, colorless lives with little opportunity to better themselves. And who would want to considering that governments frown on anyone getting too far ahead of their neighbors. They import the colored peoples of the world to do their scut work and then do everything they can to prevent their assimilation by sticking them in immigrant ghettos where hate and resentment against their lovable hosts will almost certainly explode into uncontrollable violence one day.
Other than that - paradise.
The question being asked openly for the first time in my lifetime is can socialism work in America?
Answer: Yes we can!
I say we should ignore what socialism (or the faux variety of the disease that afflicts Europe) has done elsewhere and approach the Bush/Obama socialist takeover of our industries as Americans should - with hope, optimism, a “can-do” attitude, and the desire to make a buck off of it.
I mean, if we can hack a civilization out of a wilderness, defeat the largest army and most powerful military in the world at the time to win our independence, fight a gigantic, continent sized civil war, tame the Spanish, spank the Kaiser, roll over Hitler and Tojo, and make the Soviet Union a memory, we can make socialism work! Yes we can perfect it!
First of all, we have to do something about the inevitable lines that we will be forced to queue up for in order to get any goods or services. Socialism is all about lines, about the orderly distribution of scarcity. Now I don’t know about you but if there is one thing liable to get my dander up it is standing in line - at the grocery store, at the bank, at Madame Crystal’s Pool Hall and Massage Parlor - anywhere.
Why not get the geniuses at Microsoft to work on this problem right away? Put the guys who came up with Vista on it, that would do the trick. Better yet, this sounds more like a marketing challenge to me. We should get in touch with the Coca-Cola Company immediately and find the guys who signed off on the campaign for Coke Zero. Their judgment is exactly what we need to solve this little problem.
You see, it is my contention that by getting utter failures to work on solving our line problem, we can’t go wrong. They are bound to come up with the worst solution imaginable. Hence, by making matters 10 times worse, we realize the full potential of socialism to really screw up our lives.
Next up, planning the economy. For this problem, we must look long and hard for the perfect combination of corruption and ignorance. Congress is too busy so we’ll have to go to the private sector.
We could commute the sentences of those Enron guys. And maybe a few others like the fellows who did such a great job driving Worldcom into the ground. These are the sorts we need to do a really 1st class job of taking the most vibrant, creative, productive economy in the history of the human race and flushing it down the toilet.
The one other area we could perfect that is not necessarily native to socialism but no good socialistic country should be without is the stifling of dissent and the imposition of group-think that would kill independent thought.
Face it, we wouldn’t be very good at this. Americans are just too cranky, too much in love with contrariness, too admiring of the guy who marches to a different drummer that anyone we put in charge of of making this an unquestioning, obedient, robotic thinking society would have their hands full.
As in other nations that have tried this - Soviet Union and China come instantly to mind - it just wouldn’t do to put those who believe in antiquated and outmoded ideas like free markets in jail. They must be shown the error of their ways. They must be given a new vision of the brotherhood of man. They must be led to the idea that forced altruism, insipid do-gooderism, and hectoring moralistic clap trap is the best way to approach life.
They must be beaten over the head early and often in order to show them the error of their ways.
This cannot be done, obviously, in the middle of the street or even in what used to be the privacy of their homes (as you know, it wouldn’t be “their” home anymore, but everybody’s). All that screaming would be bad for socialist morale not to mention dirtying our streets with blood and stuff. Street cleaners are our brothers too and we should only ask them to do what each according to their abilities etc.
I think either Michael Moore or blogger John Avarosis would be good candidates for the top job in our Department of Ideological Reform. Glenn Greenwald would make a good deputy for either man. They all hate conservatives sufficiently that either would be able to adequately carry out the purge of such thought from our national consciousness.
One thing is for sure, we Americans are going to give it our best shot. Once we are resolved to completing a task be it defeating Hitler or perfecting the idiocy that is socialism, I am convinced that we cannot be stopped.
George Bush has made an excellent start and I’m sure Barack Obama is eager to see what he can do to bring about this change that will remake America. What have we got to lose? Let’s get behind our new president and make socialism as synonymous with America as baseball, apple pie, and corrupt Congressmen.
Remember the children…
George Bush sure did make an excellent start. But look at who his advisors were: The Weekly Standard crowd, the Neocons who have their ideological roots in Leftist socialism.
I think Bill Kristol has to be the creepiest guy out there, a wolf in sheep’s clothing and a faux-conservative.
The Right Wing needs to distance itself from the Neocon socialists, many of whom are secretly happy that Obama won because their liberal socialist domestic agenda will go forward, and their hawkish positions on the Middle East are protected by Rahm Emanuel.
Comment by Morris — 11/14/2008 @ 2:15 pm
Conservative =/= Capitalist.
Comment by Chuck Tucson — 11/14/2008 @ 2:42 pm
What irony Rick! You will no doubt through your article cause America to seriously consider becoming a socialist state forever. But if America does make that socialist choice you will be one of the first to be removed in the first “purge”. Continuous socialist states are constantly on the lookout for important members of the state they consider ideologically impure.
If the new order continuous socialist state does come about I wonder if your “purge” will be of the re-education type or the final solution type? It will be a tough decision for “the decider” seeing as at the time it is being made he/she will be totally drunk.
Comment by Agent Orange Peel — 11/14/2008 @ 3:12 pm
There’s no need to perfect it- just fasttrack it by mandating that every citizen be subject to the capitalism version of the Ludovico treatment. We’ll vomit every time we get a paycheck.
Comment by lionheart — 11/14/2008 @ 4:10 pm
In this new order, Gulags will proliferate to hold the millions of contrary thinkers on every block in the nation.
Here is a grand opportunity for a wily entrepreneur: be the first to contract to build multiple model “Settlements” for the disgruntled conservatives and remaining independents that are not sufficiently on board with the new order.
As in the Eagle’s “Hotel California”, “you could check out at any time, but you could never leave.”
Comment by mannning — 11/14/2008 @ 5:13 pm
“Of course, they also have high suicide, drug addiction, alcoholism, and divorce rates. They don’t have children either because they hate them or think them an impediment to their lifestyle. The vast majority of them live drab, colorless lives with little opportunity to better themselves. And who would want to considering that governments frown on anyone getting too far ahead of their neighbors.”
That’s the stupidest thing I’ve seen you write yet Rick. make it over there much? I’ve spent a good deal of time in France. I’m not saying that their government is much better or even better then ours, but drab, colorless lives? Jesus, take a deep breath. They have rural, sub-urban and urban people, living all types of different lives. There is plenty of workplace competition, they have race relation problems just like we do, our suicide rates are comparable to theirs, and America’s birthrate is dropping too. Its a result of the demographic transition to industrialized society. we don’t need 20 kids to farm our fields any more. Make whatever point you want about dreaded socialism. Don’t mindlessly bash cultures you know nothing about.
Comment by Kyle — 11/14/2008 @ 6:40 pm
VIVA SNOWBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by jambrowski — 11/14/2008 @ 7:49 pm
Yeah, we’ll perfect socialism just like we perfected conservatism.
Comment by grognard — 11/14/2008 @ 11:21 pm
“Of course, they also have high suicide, drug addiction, alcoholism, and divorce rates. They don’t have children either because they hate them or think them an impediment to their lifestyle. The vast majority of them live drab, colorless lives with little opportunity to better themselves. And who would want to considering that governments frown on anyone getting too far ahead of their neighbors. They import the colored peoples of the world to do their scut work and then do everything they can to prevent their assimilation by sticking them in immigrant ghettos where hate and resentment against their lovable hosts will almost certainly explode into uncontrollable violence one day.”
What on Earth are you talking about? Have you ever actually been to Europe, or are you relying on the classic stereotypes?
Comment by Drongo — 11/15/2008 @ 3:54 am
Rick,
Not to pick on you, but didnt you say a month back that Obama is no socialist when the average righty blogger was pretty much calling him that ? I guess after watching the horror of Joe the Plumber getting trashed around, you have now come to the conclusion that Obama would take this whole thing up a notch (or God knows how many notches.)
Frankly after having Social Security for about 75 years and Medicare around for 45 years,why should any one be surprised that the country is moving leftward?
Look ath candidate who won the elections - he promised an income “tax cut” to 35% of the populace that doesnt even pay income taxes !
Will 2008 become The Summer of Free Money ?
Obama is no socialist. But that doesn’t mean that some of his policies - especially his efforts to solve the crisis - won’t reflect socialism’s basic tenets. Bush is no socialist but his policies are the same.
ed.
Comment by Nagarajan Sivakumar — 11/15/2008 @ 6:03 am
I’m surprized at you, Rick. You forgot the one thing Obama adds to our new socialist utopia: Chicago machine-style politics. It is classically socialist in how connections and fealty to the leaders increases your access to the better things. Your reliability and familial relationships determine your level within the establishment. You are kept in line through loyalty to the party.
True, it’s more communist than socialist, but since we’ll head there eventually, it’s a good start.
Comment by Dale — 11/15/2008 @ 8:19 am
Dale, sounds like the K street project.
Comment by grognard — 11/15/2008 @ 10:45 am
The new dose of American socialism will likely be on Mussolini’s model, not Lenin’s.
Take the auto industry, for example. The government isn’t going to nationalize it, as Rick has noted before. BUT — it is simply going to bail them out with strings attached. This will lead to a command economy in this sector, with the government dictating what green products must be built.
I’d rather see GM go under and then restructure itself. Capitalism isn’t just about getting what you want — it is about avoiding getting what you don’t want.
Comment by J.H. Bowden — 11/15/2008 @ 11:54 am
You wrote:
Face it, we wouldn’t be very good at this. Americans are just too cranky, too much in love with contrariness, too admiring of the guy who marches to a different drummer that anyone we put in charge of of making this an unquestioning, obedient, robotic thinking society would have their hands full.
I once agreed with what you wrote above, but no longer. The long night of socialism began before Obama, but the soft totalitarianism one would find in modern Britain or France originated with him here. I would hope the character you described would reappear, but as someone who has lived in contemporary Europe (and actually absorbed things, versus some commenters above), I can tell you that once lost liberty is a difficult thing to regain.
Let us review. The average American voter just joined the hottest Cargo Cult in town. The object of worship’s giant head was projected on massive screens as he uttered banalities that were received as wisdom. Slogans of “change” and “hope” replaced actual policies. People wept as Obama—well, opened his mouth and strung nonsense together. We don’t know, yet, what his civilian army will do or how his Chicago thug politics will play out, but we’ve seen that movie before played in places that once loved freedom as much as America once did.
Comment by obamathered — 11/16/2008 @ 2:26 am
Dear Moran,
Socialism is not Stalinist Communism.
Obama is not proposing or even suggesting that America cease capitalism in any way, he is proposing that America adopt the same medical care system that every other Western nation has; socialized medicine.
Calm down, I know, I know it’s got that word in it; socialism.
Are you relaxed?
Good.
Now why don’t you take the time to understand what socialized medicine is and how it works and yes I know… calm down, it has flaws but all systems have flaws, no system is perfect but its flaws don’t outweigh the benefits in this case and further more the flaws in socialized medicine aren’t actually all that different than the ones found in insurance companies profit medicine
See you can actually have some components that have socialist underpinnings without actually having the bread lines.
And no, it’s not going to creep out and mug your economic system when you’re not looking.
Comment by salvage — 11/16/2008 @ 3:16 pm
I have traveled a lot, and there are only two places I have had to wait in a line for over an hour. The another was a department store in the U.S.S.R. (before the collapse), and the other — Disneyland U.S.A.
Lets make it clear that we do not talk about Communism here. Communism and Socialism are two different kind of beasts. Western type of Socialism, like the one implemented in Nordic countries, does not have long waiting lines curling through the streets. In fact, I was able to get my feet treated in 30 minutes and it cost me nothing, even as I was a foreigner. Not even my insurer was fared!
I honestly think that U.S. of America does not currently have the best economical, social, an not even political system in the world. (Just look at the complexity of your voting system.)
The good thing is that you are free to fix those things.
Comment by RN (Germany) — 11/17/2008 @ 4:45 pm
Thanks a lot Rick, I just had my first SARGASM!
Comment by DoorHold — 11/19/2008 @ 1:49 pm
I continue to be amazed (and amused) at th enumber of ignorant Americans who think that:
a)progressive taxation and the provision of public services = socialism
and
b)socialism = Stalinism
No wonder these people couldn’t run the country…
Comment by A Hermit — 11/19/2008 @ 5:23 pm