I was awakened at 5:00 AM with the persistent ringing of the telephone in my ear.
Osama Bin Laden: Richard, my old friend! Assalamu alaikum.. Have you heard the news?
Me: Osama? Is that you? What in blazes are you calling me at 5 in the morning for? Couldn’t it wait for our daily conference call?
Osama Bin Laden: Richard, Allah is indeed merciful. Those dogs on the Nobel Peace Committee have named the Unclean One winner of this year’s peace prize.
Me: Oh for God’s sake, Osama. I told…
Osama Bin Laden (interrupting): Richard, you may be one of my favorite conservative infidels but if I hear you take the name of Allah in vain again, you will regret it but once and that will be forever…
Me. Osama, I told you to stop with the jokes. I mean, when we plotted to have that tape released right before the 2004 election that had you endorsing Kerry, that was one thing - and a great gag it was too. And when we planned on hitting the Brooklyn Bridge, who would have taken something like that seriously? But please don’t pull my leg. Obama winning the peace prize? Really.
Osama Bin Laden: Most certainly, Richard. It is on CNN as I speak.
Me: Well, gee. No kiddin’, huh?
Osama Bin Laden: Do I have the kind of face that kids, Richard?
Me: Osama, my old friend, you have a face that only a goat could love.
Osama Bin Laden: Ha! Truer than you think, my infidel partner!
Me: So - how do we handle this?
Osama Bin Laden: If I were you, Richard, I would recommend you and your conservative friends celebrate this moment, congratulate the president, and make praise to Allah for his wondrous miracles.
Me: No joke, Osama, but even Allah would be hard pressed to fix it so the Nobel Peace Prize Committee gave their award to someone who was in office 11 days before he was nominated, and hasn’t accomplished anything at all in 9 months of being president.
Osama bin Laden: Trust me, Richard. You are playing with fire if you mock, or say bad things about this award. You and your conservative friends will blow your cover and reveal yourselves as my allies.
Osama bin Laden: Richard, listen to me. We have worked together for a long time, yes?
Me: Forever, it seems Osama.
Osama bin Laden: I tell you now, the Democrats will see through your charade and uncover the truth of our collaboration unless you pretend that the dog Obama’s award is the answer to a prayer. The only other people who will agree with you that the award is undeserved are my other allies in the Taliban. And even the idiot liberals will then put two and two together and break your cover.
Me: Well, all I can do is call a quick meeting and see what everybody thinks. Can’t promise anything but I will certainly relay your concerns to the membership. And thank you, my Master, as always, for your many words of wisdom and kindnesses.
Osama bin Laden: Farewell, Richard.