I know this won’t come as a shock to many of you. For months, I have been urged to prove how smart I am by abandoning conservatives to their own fate. Inspired by such luminaries as David Corn, Charles Johnson, John Cole, Andrew Sullivan, and Sylvester Stallone, I have decided to take the plunge - or walk off the cliff - and do it. From here on out, I am no longer a conservative.
My problem is, what should I call myself now? “Independent” is too much like RINO. Ditto “moderate.” Moderate what? I suppose I could swallow hard and refer to myself as a “liberal,” but frankly, I don’t think I have what it takes. I would need brain surgery to get my synapses firing the politically correct way, not to mention the alteration of brain chemistry necessary to reduce my cognitive abilities to the requisite level.
So, in desperation, I am announcing my conversion to Communism.
Being a commie is easy. No need to think hardly at all. All you have to do to become a Communist is sprinkle your conversations with a few identifying words and phrases and you’re in.
“Power to the proletariat!” is a good start. This is an all purpose phrase and is especially effective when people smarter than you (everybody) make a point in an argument you can’t refute, such as “Communism doesn’t work, ninny.”
Other words and phrases I will find that come in handy will be “religion is the opiate of the masses,” - especially effective against Christians. In fact, never ever use the term “the people” when talking about large groups. Always refer to them as “the masses.” No one will ever mistake me for anything but a redbelly, Lenin loving communist as long as I use the word “masses” to describe my fellow citizens.
And, of course, always call your friends “comrade.” If you want to impress people you’ve just met, call them “comrade” too. If someone disagrees with you, it can be an enormous amount of fun to refer to them as “capitalist, imperialist pig.” Communism is the only ideology of which I am aware where you can call someone you don’t even know a “pig” and it will sound perfectly normal.
I suppose I am going to have to get used to spouting about the “class struggle” too. This phrase is a little trickier to inject into casual conversation but I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it.
Whatever…it sure beats thinking about stuff. And there are ancillary benefits too. Ever notice how gorgeous women are always hanging around pimple faced, straggly bearded communists? Being a commie is a babe magnet. It probably has something to do with the fact that some women are suckers for losers, or have a soft spot for lost puppy dogs. Whatever, once a chick knows your a communist, they can’t wait to jump your bones.
So there’s that to look forward too. Then there’s the fact that my job prospects will improve enormously - in some quarters. Just think about all the teaching positions that would open up if I were to become a commie? Why, there would be dozens of colleges lining up to bid for my services. I could write my own ticket at Berkeley. Ditto CUNY. And Columbia would roll out the red carpet for me - literally. Hell, I wouldn’t even have to know anything about the subjects I’d be teaching. Just read a few lines from Das Kapital or Dreams from my Father and open the class for discussion. The kids know the routine and would bulls**t their way to “A’s” and “B’s.”
I’d probably win “Teacher of the Year.”
Other opportunities besides teaching would present themselves if I declared Red, of course. Would I be setting my sights too high to try for a position at the White House? I know the competition for commies in government is something fierce these days, but I think I have a lot to offer. Like the rest of the Obama administration, I wouldn’t have a clue about what I should be doing. And I think I’d be very good at designing ruinous economic programs, writing bad legislation, and generally mucking things up.
The only drawback is that I am not a member of an oppressed minority. Perhaps once national health insurance is a reality, I can get a sex change operation paid for by the taxpayer. Or perhaps the strategic application of a little shoe polish would get me past the Gatekeepers in personnel. Maybe both.
Naturally I discussed my conversion to Communism with Zsu-Zsu. As always, she listened thoughtfully to what I had to say. Her eyes narrowed a bit when I got to the part about the young hippie chicks falling all over me but other than that, her face registered no emotion.
It wasn’t until I called her “comrade” that I got any reaction at all. It was at that point that she whopped me upside the head with a rolled up newspaper.
“Oh for God’s sake Ricky,” she said as I vigorously rubbed the knot growing on my forehead. “You’ll never make a good commie, ya dope.”
“Why not?” I asked through the pain. Zsu-Zsu knows of what she speaks, having spent the first few years of her life living in Communist Hungary.
“You hate standing in line for anything, you have no patience with bureaucrats, and you don’t say ‘comrade’ with half enough conviction.”
She’s probably right. I’d make a lousy communist. Looks like I have no alternative but to remain a conservative for the time being.
10:36 am
????? ??????????!
10:37 am
well of course that didn’t work so
“Da-bro pa-zha-la-vat” (phonetic version of “welcome”)
cheers,
11:00 am
Keep the faith, Rick!
11:02 am
It’s really fun watching you guys suffer.
More so since we have the White House and both Houses of Congress. We’ll lose in 2010 and kick your a@@ is 2012. As Michale Steele might say, Peace Out.
Who’s suffering? I’m having ball.
ed.
11:03 am
You know you are a true conservative when you try to be funny and bomb this bad. I find your columns generally interesting and thoughtful, but this attempt at humor made me cringe. I think your assertion that “women are suckers for losers” comes from your own shortcomings of your personality. Stick to being an intellectual conservative and leave comedy to independents/libertarians and liberals.
Yeah - not very funny to some. Others disagree. Is this a great country or what?
ed.
11:53 am
Did you just watch the Seinfeld episode with Elaine and the commie or something? Hilarious!
“Ever notice how gorgeous women are always hanging around pimple faced, straggly bearded communists? Being a commie is a babe magnet. It probably has something to do with the fact that some women are suckers for losers, or have a soft spot for lost puppy dogs. Whatever, once a chick knows your a communist, they can’t wait to jump your bones.”
12:04 pm
Impress me and write about the Constitution and Federalism, sir.
Heh - why in God’s name would I want to impress you? Do I tell you what to write about?
Impress me and write about the Chicago Bears.
ed.
12:04 pm
Classic. About lines: my wife grew up in the old East German. She says the difference between liberals and communists is the former never had to stand in a line.
Too bad you bailed just before we kick the hell out of the left-wing for the next two or three cycles, but those Che t-shirts are fairly cool.
12:14 pm
Actually you guys are in for four or five years of candidates getting death threats, unruly mobs at town halls, and protest with embarrassing signs, racist commentary, & freak show participants who will continue to remind swing voters that the GOP is insane.
The insular teabaggers are convinced the country is ready to throw out the Marxists, problem is here aren’t any around.
If unemployment is below 9% by next fall we will kick you a@@es. Certainly if it’s that number or lower by 2012 we’ll be sending Palin/Jindal (aka Moose & Squirrely) to the bitter defeat in a walk.
12:17 pm
Stop picking on Rick. Comedy is hard.
Let us never speak of this again.
12:28 pm
Rick, if you want to really make like Charles Johnson or Andie Sullivan, just up and take something you wrote two years ago and say the exact opposite.
And change the logo to be ElitePunditNuthouse, much better brand consistency. (The best Commies were elites btw, ever notice that?) If you play it closer to normal than Iowahawk’s Chris Buckley sendup, you might even have people wondering if its real or satire. So come on, channel your inner Peggy Noonan and go ‘highbrow’. You’ll have an awesome gig during the Palin years on that meme … “What has that Moose-gal done *now*?” etc.
12:35 pm
“The insular teabaggers are convinced the country is ready to throw out the Marxists, problem is here aren’t any around.”
Democrats are ‘close enough for Govt work’ for that task.
“If unemployment is below 9% by next fall we will kick you a@@es.”
Translation: Unemployment in double digits is killing us.
youth unemployment is the highest in decades. It’s almost as if every Obama voter just up and voted for the ‘Destroy my job’ ticket.
We have a jobless economy for youths. And ObamaCare and Cap-n-trade are A-bombs to American jobs.
” Certainly if it’s that number or lower by 2012 we’ll …”
… still be about 4 million jobs in the HOLE on the promises Obama made, and still might have fewer jobs in 2012 than when Nancy Pelosi was made speaker.
“Moose & Squirrely” - Well, Rocky & Bullwinkle always got the better of Boris (Obama) and Natasha (Nancy), so dont be complacent. Just sayin’
12:48 pm
“If unemployment is below 9% by next fall we will kick you a@@es.”
Care to make a wager on that one? Hide and watch - with virtually no change to the situation at all and statistically unemployment will hit 11% in January. It is a strange phenomenom in statistics that has to do with an overall adjustment based upon death rates.
Add to that, if any aspect of “Cap&Tax” passes, then we will be lucky to see less than 13% unemployment by November 2010. But even without that, the best economists out there, and even the worse ones, are predicting a jobless recovery.
It’s a numbers game. For the unemployment number to stay even - at the 10% mark, you have to create approximately 125,000 jobs per month. That is the number of people newly enterring the job market which traditionally is above the numbers of retirements and deaths of current job holders. Add on to that the numbers of people whose 401s have taken a beating or whose homes are underwater because of the housing bust and fewer people are hitting the retirement button - in fact many people who have already retired are trying to re-enter the job market.
But if you want to see the writing on the wall, take a look at the congressional blue dog retirement announcements - the list has hit 4 already, and 2 of them are in gerrymandered safe districts. So, we’ll see come 2010 and 2012. But if I were you I would prepare myself for the worse - You could tell me the same but I don’t have to, I’m living it right now.
12:50 pm
Dream on, Richard. The ass whuppin’ you folks will get until at least 2020 after putting this ‘tard in office will be brutal. I think you know it, too.
12:55 pm
Without hesitation. The economy is going to take off in the spring and all you r dreams are going to disappear in a puff of smoke.
Whatever troubles we do have will be mitigated by the inability of the teabaggers to restrain themselves from outlandish, illegal, and downright scary behavior towards their own candidates (death threats for voting for taxes?)
You are a bunch of nuts and it will be shown clearly to the American public which party has the mental stability to run the country.
There simply will be no restraint on what these people say and do starting next spring and it will scare the shite out of swing voters.
1:18 pm
And they say that the GOP has no big tent.
Richard bottoms - Nice to hear you recognize reality about 2010. That’s a redistricting year, remember, tilt the playing field for the next decade. You’re a brave man to make any sort of predictions prior to the full results of 2010 being known.
A lot will rest on whether the GOP is lazy and just coasts to a medium sized victory in 2010 or in the spring/summer they unite around a unified agenda that gets a resounding endorsement by the people and which they implement with Obama fighting it every inch of the way.
1:28 pm
I just thing all the signs point to industry having already cut into the bone. There’s nothing left to do but add workers if they wan to meet growth, which I think is coming.
People have a new saving ethic, but they also have two years of not buying stuff. The first 2-3% that get jobs will shop and off it will go.
Plus barely a dime of the stimulus has really been spent on main street. Lot of roads and bridges to build next year.
If Cash for Caulkers is as big a success as the auto injection, we will see limited losses in the elections next year, not through Democratic brilliance but through GOP insanity.
1:35 pm
“If Cash for Caulkers is as big a success as the auto injection . . ”
What planet do you live on? “Cash for Clunkers” was a success? Only in your diseased and feebled mind!
1:38 pm
Pretty funny. You did leave out “capitalist running dogs,” one of my all time favorites.
1:52 pm
The one where Obama saved your tail by stopping the global meltdown George Bush skipped town on.
I don’t really give a damn what Republicans think. You people voted for George Bush. Twice.
All that matters is the 2% swing vote, who you people will dutifully scare to death with handguns at town halls, talk of watering the tree of liberty with assassinated politicians, militia nuts, and the usual assortment crazies who will be back in forcce next summer.
2:01 pm
So tell us which of these planks of yours no longer apply!
“I believe first and foremost in American exceptionalism - the idea that we are a different country and people from any other nation on earth.
I believe the free market economic system is the fairest, the most productive, and the greatest engine for human liberty ever conceived.
I believe that American defenses must be second to none – conventional and strategic.
I believe in a robust, forward thinking, “America first” foreign policy.
I believe in a strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution and that a president should appoint judges to the federal courts who reflect that view.
I believe in the inviolable rights of private property as the guarantor of American liberty.
I believe in equality of opportunity for all Americans regardless of color, ethnic heritage, or national origin.
I believe America should strive to create the smallest government realistically possible, possessing the lightest touch imaginable on the individual citizen.
I believe in a just and moral society with a as clear a sense of right and wrong as is consistent with reality.
I believe that all of these things should be taught in American schools and that an appreciation of these values and qualities should be encouraged.
And I believe we should have the freedom to say what we think, write what we want, worship however the hell we please, do anything, go anywhere, and enjoy life according to our own lights – as long as we do no harm to annother…. Moran”
None!
Please, please, please … everyone! Take a break, willya? Lighten up. Smile a bit. If life were as serious as you are making it out to be, I would have committed suicide 30 years ago.
Stop and smell the roses! Stop the world I want to get off! All we have to fear is fear itself!
And for God’s sake, thanks for all the fish!
ed.
2:02 pm
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In capitalism, man exploits man. In socialism, it’s the other way around
2:10 pm
And you people were what, vacationing in Aruba from 2000-2008, because the person you elected delivered on none of that and destroyed your party in the process.
Proof being we control the White House and all of Congress.
So spout all the platitudes you want, but when it comes down to it when you had the chance to do it your way for six out of those eight years you did squat.
Or rather, you did what you do when you squat, and were the recipients.
The fact that you either didn’t read that “Creed” or didn’t understand it is painfully, painfully obvious. Your response was cringe-worthy.
What in God’s name does George Bush, the Democrats, Republicans, or anything you mentioned have to do with my personal beliefs? You only just showed yourself to be an idiot by spouting off about Bush in response to a listing of my political beliefs. Such have nothing to do with who is in office - I believe the same whether Obama or Bush is president - or which party controls Congress, or any other irrelevancy that you just spewed.
From now on, when you are unresponsive or post stuff non germane to what I’ve written, I am simply going to delete the comment - as I have begun to do in your more egregious cases.
ed.
2:27 pm
Please, please, please … everyone! Take a break, willya? Lighten up. Smile a bit. If life were as serious as you are making it out to be, I would have committed suicide 30 years ago.
Stop and smell the roses! Stop the world I want to get off! All we have to fear is fear itself!
Rick either got laid or bought a lucky scratch ticket.
At my age, the former would be more remarkable while the latter perhaps more welcome.
ed.
2:32 pm
Say,
Doesn’t that make you a “lousy commie?”
Two things you have to learn about Communism’s triumphs; plenty of lard and head lice remover. There are no lousy communists because of the dearth of lice.
Shows what you know!
ed.
2:57 pm
Teabagging is a perjorative term and has no place on a civilized forum. If Rick wants to walk off the cliff, we need to be supportive of his choice and have a nice fluffy pillow awaiting his arrival at the bottom of the cliff. That’s what friends are for.
Why not call yourself an anarchist or fascist Rick? Apparently you didn’t even consider those appellations! Oh ye of small imagination.
2:58 pm
Or you can just be the RINO that you already are.
But that’s so BORING - so…so…2009.
ed.
3:05 pm
If I was responding directly to you instead of other posters, who it appears you have no problem with referring to me as both diseased and feeble, I could see where you might have a point.
But since I didn’t. I don’t.
7:29 pm
I’m called funny man and am not. Rick: Voelker hoert die Signale, auf zum letzten Gefecht, …Count me in
Jackson 1234 if you don’t know what that is your ‘Frau aus dem Osten’ didn’t teach you anything
7:43 pm
here is another curious fact. The anthem of the GDR is actually better than the old (and current) German national anthem. It means something like ‘reborn from ruins, looking to the future , united Germany’ Which was also why the words were later no longer played. How crazy is that!!! However, IMHO it should have been the anthem because it really is more meaningful.
Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDDpV50-lZA&feature=related
8:02 pm
Rick, you must be far too melodramatic than you are capable to pull off this type of exit. Charles Johnson has set the gold standard here–and wrote one of the most unintentionally funny things I’ve ever read on the ‘Net. Word about the Communist Party, though: they really do purge, and it gets kind of bloody.
8:18 pm
Good stuff, Rick.
Your quote about religion reminded me of Gorbachev opening up the old Soviet Union- he started talking about the “value of religion in people’s lives” and people were swooning. But not me… I knew he was thinking, “Hoo boy, if the masses ever needed some opiates, it’s now!”
12:50 am
Federalist ?
10:02 am
funny man:
My Lady of the East grew upset when I bitched about vowel and consonant placements, so to keep a stable marriage…
11:11 am
A comment on the serious side:
Whatever disagreements we may have, I am smart enough to know that I need the secular right or, as I think Benjamin Franklin opined, “we must hang together or we will surely hang separately”.
That this article is good satire is a sign that the threat (some of our best conservative thinkers leaving the movement) is real.
If I bring up some point, in the future, about social conservatism or allowing faith to inform policy positions, know that it is never done with the perspective of a “purge”. I want to be able to talk with you about these things.
1:05 pm
I’m glad you’re staying conservative… CommiewingNuthouse just doesn’t work for me (or was it going to be RightwingCommieHouse?). I’ll toast your decision with a large glass of Stoli, no ice.
1:43 pm
You’ll never leave the Right, Rick; the Right will leave you. Don’t believe me? Just wait until they insist on a declared belief in God as a litmus test. It will be a sad day for America when that happens, but frankly the only surprise IMHO is that it hasn’t happened yet.
10:29 pm
Hi rick. This is my first time to your blog. I’m a true conservative too and I love to debate libs and dems and shoot down their shallow arguements and relentless rants assailing the US. I am very pleased you do not censor those that post from the left side of the aisle. I have visited liberal blogs such as americablog and the daily kos. If you try to have a meaningful discussion on either one of these sites you will be censored or banned. Keep up the good fight.
9:21 am
Merry Christmas……we will talk in the new year!
9:15 pm
RE: The one where Obama saved your tail by stopping the global meltdown George Bush skipped town on.
Richard, poor Richard, do you mean Barney Frank still has you in a state of confusion about who built the house of cards that collapsed? I feel sorry for you but America shouldn’t have to pay for your continued state of gullibility so we will throw the insane-spending Democrats out in 2010.