Right Wing Nut House

Are you stuck trying to figure out what to get the loony liberal or crazy conservative on your Christmas gift list?

Don’t you fret, now, because Santa Claus began his career as a political pundit and can recommend the perfect presents for those whose positions on the issues and view of the opposition may be a little “overripe.” Santa knows that being a moderate has its advantages, and being able to straddle the Great Divide while poking fun at the ideologues from both sides is one of them.

These are just suggestions and should by no means be taken as a complete list. You might have some fun of your own by adding to the list in the comments.

For Conservatives:

GENUINE AUNT JEMIMA DOLL
Price: $19.95
Available at the RNC store and by special arrangement from Glenn Beck

Don’t tell some conservatives that this is a racist idea; it’s just “politically incorrect’ and therefore, perfectly legitimate. Aunt Jemima is a fine old corporate symbol of wholesome goodness and that’s that.

Note: Uncle Ben doll sold separately.

GAY G.I. JOE DOLL
Price: $24.95
Available at participating Christian bookstores

Same as straight G.I. Joe except Gay G.I. Joe comes with handy tow rope and jeep. Also available: Medical MASH unit to treat Joe’s injuries when his comrades beat him up.

Not Shown: G.I. Lizzie, the lesbian counterpart to Joe. Available while supplies last.

GROUND ZERO MOSQUE ERECTOR SET
Price: 49.95
Available at fine conservative establishments everywhere

Have fun building the Ground Zero Mosque and then blowing it up. Teach your child valuable construction skills while giving them a head start on knowledge of demolition. (Adult supervision recommended).

Not included but available: Plenty of Muslim victims and C-4.

MAGIC RONNIE REAGAN MASK
Price: $9.99
Available from the Reagan Library and Wasilla, Alaska historical society

A fitting present during the Centennial celebration of Reagan’s birth, enjoy hours of fun as the Ronnie Reagan mask changes right before your eyes into the spitting image of several GOP candidates for president. You’ll be amazed as the smiling visage of our 40th president magically morphs into the vacuous face of Sarah Palin, or the scowling profile of Mike Huckabee. Fun for the whole family!

Out of Stock: Any intelligent, worthy Republican who will run.

Now be honest; what Republican wouldn’t be overjoyed to find any of those fine gifts under the tree on Christmas morning? But we’re just getting started.

For Liberals

OFFICIAL BARACK OBAMA PUNCHING BAG
Price: $14.99
Available at Guantanamo Gift Shop and many fine Hippie bookstores

Don’t you wish that sometimes after hearing our beloved president speak that you could throw your shoe through the TV screen because he hasn’t lived up to the liberal hype? Don’t ruin your TV - get yourself an Official Barack Obama Punching Bag and take out your frustrations that way!

Made of durable, but too flexible plastic, the BO sparring bag is the perfect gift for that liberal in your life who becomes enraged after another broken Obama promise goes by the boards.

Available in fuchsia, peach, and politically correct black.

LEGO BP OIL DRILLING PLATFORM
Price: $17.95
Available from Moveon.Org and other liberal advocacy groups

Want to re-enact one of the high points of the Obama presidency? You’ll have hours of fun building this Lego BP oil drilling platform that automatically bursts into flame when you’re finished and begins spurting gallons of black ink all over the place. Very realistic!

Not included: 500 million gallon tank of ink

NEVER ENDING MONOPOLY GAME
Price: $21.99
Available at US Treasury Department, Federal Reserve Banks, and all government agencies.

You’ll have hours, days, weeks, months, even years of fun playing Never Ending Monopoly. Land on an opponents hotel and flat broke? No worries! In Never Ending Monopoly, the government pays you to keep playing by borrowing from the taxpayer. Any amount is OK. No limits! Lucky you if you land on any of the dozen “Government Bailout Bonus: Win $20 million” squares. Built in electronics keeps track of inflation for you. Thrill to the onset of hyperinflation! You’ve never seen anything like it! Just keep spending - at least until the board collapses and all the hotels blow up.

Comes complete with printing press.

OFFICIAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY CRYING TOWEL
Price: $99.95 (With Howard Dean autograph: $499.95)
Available exclusively through the SEIU and their affiliates including the DNC

You haven’t wept over the election day shellacking until you shed tears into the Official Democratic Party Crying Towel. Made of Alpaca wool sheared by oppressed indigenous people, loomed in Argentina, and cut in Hong Kong, this all-American towel will not only help assuage your hurt feelings about the election, but fill the coffers of the Democratic party as well.

Authentic Obama rainbow logo optional.

There you have it. You can’t go wrong by choosing any of these fine gifts. And remember: Even liberal and conservative nutcases need to be shown that they’re loved too.