Right Wing Nut House

We knew this sort of thing was possible the moment we laid eyes on him. The strong chin, thrust upward with a serene confidence that melted our hearts. The eyes - so open and honest that we could see into his soul (as he could see into ours). The smile with impossibly white teeth that lifts one up whenever his steady gaze meets our unworthy eyes - and suddenly, you feel almost worthy, as if granted a gift from on high.

And what about those pecs, eh? It’s not enough our God-thing be the smartest, the most gentle, the most courageous being in the universe. He’s also sexy as hell and causes men to contemplate same sex marriage and women to dream of bearing his children after torrid, sweaty, multi-orgasmic lovemaking under a waterfall or on a deserted beach.

All this pales in comparison to what The Lightworker can do when he opens his mouth, expelling a fresh air that smells like peppermint (except after he’s eaten garlic and then it smells like daffodils), and his beautiful mouth forms words that can cause the sun to rise and set, move mountains, cause the tide to recede heal the sick, raise the dead (even the gooey ones who have been deceased a while), and melt the hearts of the wicked.

His recent speech to our brothers and sisters who worship Allah and sadly, have no Lightworker to guide them, is a beautiful example of how the planet has changed since Barack Obama (PBUH) alighted from his chariot in Washington to save us. Our Barack generously offered to share himself with the Mohammedans and heal their hearts of hatred by uttering soothing words of brotherhood and love.

The result? An amazing transformation in Lebanon! A miracle! Oh ye of little faith who doubt the Lightworker’s power, look upon his work in the Levant and be amazed!

With idiot conservatives questioning the point of making a stirring, beautiful speech to win over the hearts and minds in the Muslim world, it looks like those efforts to nudge public opinion are already bearing fruit:

An American-backed alliance appeared to retain control of the Lebanese Parliament on Sunday in a hotly contested election that had been billed as a showdown between Tehran and Washington for influence in the Middle East.

Preliminary results reported on Lebanese television showed the alliance, known as the March 14 coalition, had managed to preserve its majority in Parliament. If those results are confirmed, they would represent a significant and unexpected defeat for Hezbollah and its allies, Iran and Syria. Most polls had showed a tight race, but one in which the Hezbollah-led group would win.

So wooing minds in the Muslim world has helped tip an election towards a pro-western coalition in a notoriously divided Lebanon.

When I try to sometimes wrap my head around what about conservative thinking bothers me so much, it comes down to this:

conservatives care more about means than ends.

This case is the perfect example. The end in this particular foreign policy issue is weaken the strength of violent extremest forces in islamic countries. Obama thinks that by opening up dialogue with the region and improving America’s image in those countries is the best way to achieve that end.

But conservatives aren’t really interested if that end is achieved. They are more interested in having means that look cool on TV and that satisfy a gut emotional craving to just do something, goddamit, like making the Bagdad sky light up with the force of American airpower. Anything short of that just isn’t getting the job done, because something in their minds lacks the capacity to make the cognitive leap that soft power can sometimes be much better at achieving the end they profess to care about.

Obama just achieved a significant end, and conservative heads are exploding because they just cannot compute how. I can’t wait to see their reaction when the Iranians toss out Ahmadinejad in a week.

Ho-Ho! Soon, another target for our Lightworker’s incredible, miraculous powers will be revealed as the Persian hordes will transmogrify into lambs before our eyes and turn their faces away from the temptations of building map wiping weapons to use against the Hebrews. We can be sure that the 7th century peasants who know no better, will vote to to displace the angry elf Ahmadinejad not because he has destroyed the economy but because the calm visage of our Lightworker will magically appear before their eyes while they are casting their vote and they will experience the light of truth, justice, and the way of the Great Soul who guides us and tells us what to do.

Our Lightworker’s magic voice - so mellifluous, so achingly seductive, it can cause the Sirens to throw themselves into the sea, frantic and desperate to reach HIM - placed a spell on the well meaning but ignorant cave dwellers and goat herders in the Lebanese electorate and, without them even being aware of any internal political considerations whatsoever, wondrously caused them to vote for the American backed forces while forgetting all about the Hezzies.

For all of my misgivings about President Obama’s Thursday speech in Cairo, I have to admit that the first mass response from an Arab body politic was more than I had hoped for…and more than I expected.

[...]

Had Hezbollah won the balloting, the results it would have heaped scorn on the president’s address. It the court of measurable Arab public opinion the tally is 1-0, our side wins.

It’s the same trick he used on us and it worked fantastically.

Is there nothing he can’t do? Might it be possible that he is - dare I say it - more than a man?

Reagan was all about America, and you talked about it. Obama is ‘we are above that now.’ We’re not just parochial, we’re not just chauvinistic, we’re not just provincial. We stand for something – I mean in a way Obama’s standing above the country, above – above the world, he’s sort of God.

And lest there be any doubt that this is an opinion formed by a partisan, the words of this Frenchmen ring equally true:

When dining out Saturday night at a no-star bistro, La Fontaine de Mars, the presidential party was served water, Coke and table wine to accompany foie gras, lamb and steak with shallots, and paid for meals “like any client,” said owner Jacques Boudon. “It’s just what they wanted.”

“And I think they were very happy since they stayed three-quarters of an hour after dining,” he said by telephone.

Boudon was over the moon.

The table had been reserved 10 days earlier but he only knew his guests were the Obamas that morning.

“I saw God before me,” he said, “because I saw this smile that a million people have seen around the world. I saw her (Michelle) radiant.

Another God sighting, this time in the Land of the Frogs. And his saintly companion and partner, whose rap can bring down the thunder or tame the savage beast, watches over us with a benign presence and bare armed beauty. She is mother to us all. Wife, lover, mistress, same sex partner, and harlot - Ambassador to the Masses. She is Gaia’s secret agent. She is All. And she completes our Lightworker so completely that while it might seem impossible he needs completing she nevertheless is completely complete in her ability to, well, complete him.

First Lebanon, then Iran. What other historic, extraordinary feats of love and statecraft can our Lighworker achieve? Will he magically remove the scales from the eyes of the One Whose Name We Always Get Mixed Up With His, causing a transformation so profound that he Whose Name We Always Get Mixed Up With His will order his construction companies to rebuild the towers - for free? With Barack, anything is possible, any dream can come true. We live in an age where miracles are mundane and feats of legerdemain commonplace. They will look back on this time 10 million years from now in awestruck wonder that such a one as HE, of flesh and bone, actually walked the earth.

Now if he can only figure out how to fix the economy…

UPDATE

Hey! Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Obama’s speech did indeed affect the election in Lebanon.

Of course, not quite the way the Lightworker’s drooling sycophants would have us believe:

Michael Ledeen:

Second, I cannot help thinking that the Lebanese learned something from Obama’s Cairo speech (and Bush’s second term), namely that they cannot rely on the United States to confront terrorists like Hezbollah. They, and others all over the area, are going to have to do a lot of their own fighting, and take their own chances, even though they know they cannot count on American support.

We already abandoned Lebanon once. When Saddam invaded Kuwait, RealPolitik demanded that we entice President Assad to join us by giving Syria a free hand in Lebanon. The rape, theft, murder, and domination of Lebanon that followed wasn’t entirely our fault but we had a big hand in letting it happen.

No doubt, Obama’s “pragmatism” in Cairo brought back painful memories for some Lebanese.