My weekly 24 update will be slightly delayed this morning due to a late start. Check back around 9:30 for all the penetrating analysis, quirky takes, and bloody details you’ve all come to know and love.
I still like this picture of Jack…
Fictional presidents don’t usually come off very well in Hollywood. Martin Sheen’s vapid portrayal of Jed Bartlett (Jed? Would America ever vote for a guy named Jed? Or Jeb?) is so off kilter that one wonders how the republic could survive him. And poor Geena Davis. With Hillary plummeting in the polls, it appears that Commander in Chief is headed for that big Nielson graveyard in the sky.
But the Dream Factory does alright when filming portrayals of the real thing. Henry Fonda’s Young Mr. Lincoln is a particularly good example of Hollywood’s fine treatment of a real life President.
Other notable examples of good historical takes on Presidents by Hollywood is Gregory Peck’s Lincoln in The Blue and the Gray miniseries, William Devane as President Kennedy in The Missiles of October, and Ralph Bellamy’s Tony Award winning portrayal of FDR brought to the screen in Sunrise at Campobello.
Without a doubt, my favorite historical treatment of a president is Charlton Heston’s Andrew Jackson in the Yul Brenner classic pirate movie The Buccaneer. Only Heston could have played “Old Hickory” with the kind of larger than life panache that truly captured Jackson’s persona.
But unless Hollywood has a real life character to model, they fail miserably in capturing the essence of the man’s relationship with the office and how time and circumstance affect the decisions made that make history. Because they fail at this, fictional presidents come off as either stilted caricatures like Bill Pullman in Independence Day or insipid liberal whiners like Michael Douglas in The American President.
Then there are times when Hollywood comes up with a gem of a presidential character that fits so perfectly into the plot and the tenor of the show that we are sucked into the drama despite being repulsed by the fictional chief executive. Consider our friend President Charles “Jellyfish” Logan on 24. Has there ever been a wimpier, a more pathetic creature to portray an American President?
I’m sure the writers are having loads of fun writing lines for Logan. Jellyfish is so bad he can easily be called the “anti-President.” Take everything that Americans want and need in a chief executive and turn those qualities 180 degrees in the opposite direction and you end up with Logan. One wonders how he got as far as he did in politics until you think of his wife. Martha Logan, even though she’s as nutty as my Aunt Hilda’s yuletide log, has a clear moral compass and a ton of intestinal fortitude. These are two qualities her simpering husband totally lacks.
I think we should start a write in campaign with Fox to elevate Martha to President. It’s been done before. When Woodrow Wilson had a stroke, his wife Edith took over the day to day tasks of the Presidency. Maybe the writers could make Jellyfish fall into a catatonic state as he freezes up over some big decision. And into the breach steps Martha to save us all.
I like it. Martha for President! Pass the word…
SUMMARY
The pace of the show is quickening noticeably as we catch up with Ivan the Terrorist at their super secret terrorist hideout. We are finally introduced to The Mastermind, the terrorist who will match wits with Jack and CTU for the rest of the show (I think). It will be hard for the writers to top last year’s creepy jihadist Marwan but this fellow appears much more cold blooded as he personally punishes Ivan for getting the Americans angry by showing the doomed thug just how far a three inch blade can be shoved inside a body.
The Mastermind hits back at his American conspirators who double crossed him by taking out Nathanson’s band of traitors one by one. As the terrorists close in, Nathanson beats a hasty retreat.
Fat Hobbit Lynn gets in touch with his junkie sister and asks her to return his CTU magic decoder card. One wonders how he was able to re-enter CTU headquarters last week after getting mugged in the parking lot without the card but thankfully, the writers know that we’re all a bunch of stupid morons and would never notice such a small detail. Is his sister’s low-life boyfriend a part of the plot? Or is he an opportunist who will use his connections in the drug world to seek out the terrorists and sell the card to them? My money is on the latter which means junkie sister is going to find herself kidnapped by the terrorists who won’t hesitate to put pressure on the Fat Hobbit to get CTU to play ball.
Jellyfish gets on the horn to the Fat Hobbit and stomps his foot demanding success. He points out that Lynn is his man and that if he can’t do the job, he’ll get someone who will. The next time that Jellyfish pulls this stunt, I want you to watch Mike Novik’s face and tell me that he’s going to stick it out with Logan for the entire day. Novik will have his fill of this lickspittle and be on his way out, probably sooner rather than later.
The pressure on the Hobbit is intensifying, making him probably wish he was back climbing the steps up to Mount Doom carrying his buddy Frodo. At least he could deal with that kind of heat. What with his sister’s shenanigans and the President’s petulance, the poor Shireling must think his brain is on fire. He tears into his employees at a staff meeting demanding that Jack be brought back in irons and generally makes a total ass of himself. We’ve all had bosses like this guy and the best thing to do when they get like that is stay the hell out of their way.
As Curtis reluctantly arrests Jack, Nathanson calls Audrey. His desire to speak to Jack “off the books” is either just another plot device to get Jack on the run from literally everybody - the terrorists, CTU, and the government - or it’s just as Nathanson says; there are more traitors that have to be ferreted out and dealt with. Later, when Chloe is having trouble with the chip Jack gets from Nathanson, we discover that the information is formatted to be read by a Department of Defense hard drive. Could someone close to Audrey be the traitor? It’s definitely someone in DoD. And of course, Nathanson informs us that “Walt Cummings isn’t the only one behind this operation who works inside government.”
Jack cold cocks Curtis and apologizes profusely as he applies a choke hold that cuts the oxygen off to Curtis’ brain knocking the burly CTU operative out. Thus Curtis follows in a long line of Jack’s partners who too late, discover not only how really dedicated Jack is to the job, but also how very nice he can be when he’s clobbering you.
Here also begins “The Great Hobbit Runaround” as first Audrey, then Chloe, then Bill, and finally most of CTU is helping Jack “off protocol” while the Fat Hobbit frets, steams, and then explodes as the pressure to find the cannisters gets to him. In any other context, it would be great comedy. Except of course, several hundred thousand American lives are at stake not to mention Fox’s continuing efforts to out draw the drunk skiers, crying skaters, crazy snowboarders, and loony lugers on NBC.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jellyfish receives a courtesy call from The Mastermind informing our President that he’s the man the government should now be looking for and oh…by the way, may I please have the motorcade route of the Russian President to the airport as well as any other important security details you can give me?
At first, Jellyfish asks Mike to tell The Mastermind that he can’t come to the phone right now because he’s washing his hair: “I-I-I-I’m not talking to a t-t-t-terrorist. You talk to him. Y-Y-Y-ou find out what he w-w-w-w-wants.” Mike disgustedly hands the phone to Jellyfish reminding him (and the rest of us) that yes, he is in fact President of the United States and that the terrorist will only talk to him.
Nathanson watches as Jack arrives at the meeting place. Before he and Jack can meet, we glimpse the dreaded Black Helicopter - a sure sign that either terrorists are coming or the worst nightmares of the militia men and survivalists have come true and Jack is about to be whisked away to that detention camp in Utah the government has just built.
It’s the terrorists. And as Nathanson runs for his life, offing two of his adversaries in the process, we know that this is not going to end well for the traitor/patriot. Sure enough, Nathanson makes it to the roof where another Black Helicopter starts spraying the area with automatic weapons fire. Before Jack can cripple the 2 ton helicopter with his magic handgun, Nathanson is badly hit. Before dying himself, the ex-spook gives Jack a chip that may help track the cannisters.
At the ranch, Jellyfish gives in and decides to supply the terrorists with the motorcade route of President Suburov despite Mike trying to talk him out of it. Martha comes in late to the conversation and, recognizing the symptoms in her husband (quaking knees, dry lips, avoiding eye contact), peremptorily orders Mike out of the room while she confronts her spineless husband:
MARTHA: What are you saying? That we are going to stand in front of the entire world with the Suburov’s? You’re going to look him in the eye, shake his hand, knowing you’re sending him -
LOGAN: If we were in Russia and Suburov got the ultimatum, do you think he would spare us?
MARTHA: I am not talking about Russia. I am not talking about Suburov. I am talking about you! I am talking about the President of the United States of America! MY GOD CHARLES…YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT MURDER!
LOGAN: Martha, my back is against the wall. Give me another solution.
MARTHA: Stand up to them. Refuse to negotiate with them. Isn’t that the policy of this country. Isn’t that the point of the treaty you just signed?
LOGAN: It’s not that simple, Martha. It never is.
Excuse me, oh Wishy-Washy One but the answers to Martha’s questions are yes and yes. See? Sometimes it is that simple.
“The Great Hobbit Runaround” reaches its zenith when Jack calls Audrey about the chip that Nathanson gave him while Lynn is standing directly behind her. Thinking quickly, she transfers Jack to Chloe who gives Bill the high sign. Bill then goes into action, distracting the Fat Hobbit while Chloe and Audrey work on trying to hack the files on the chip, exchanging IM’s on the matter. (Did anyone else notice how boring those IM windows are? You’d think they’d have American flags and stuff on there like I do or maybe a cute little kitty cat for the girls, yes?).
Chloe works some geek magic and is able to access files on the chip. One file from an ominous sounding company called “Omicron” (all companies beginning with “O” are evil) rings a bell with Jack who knows one of the directors. And from the tone of his voice, this Christopher Henderson fellow is either someone he shot a long time ago or else they were college roommates who didn’t get along very well. Stay tuned.
The Hobbit finally loses it and arrests Bill. He informs the entire staff that all workstations will now be mirrored and monitored from his screen high atop the work floor.
And Martha, seeking to avoid catastrophe, bravely gets in the Russian’s car forcing Jellyfish to make a choice - her or the terrorists. Will Logan be able to decide? Or will he simply dissolve into a puddle of shapeless, formless goo leaving the US leaderless in the midst of a horrific crisis?
BODY COUNT
A bad hour for terrorists and traitors. Ivan’s boys off two of Nathanson’s cohorts. Ivan himself gets whacked. Ditto Nathanson but not before taking one terrorist with him to hell. Jack adds two notches to the old gun.
JACK: 12
SHOW: 53
Long time reader Bill emailed me and pointed out I included the suicide of the baggage inspector in the body count from week one. Rather than take a body off our Blood-O-Meter, I have added two more suicides - Walt’s and the terrorist from last week.
The dilemma faced by CTU and the President of the United States - whether they should prevent the gas attack on the mall or allow the attack and track the terrorists to their hideout in order to find the rest of the nerve gas - may have seemed far fetched, as unlikely a scenario that was ever used in the 5 year history of the show.
Think again. The fact is, President Roosevelt and George Marshall had to make literally dozens of such decisions during World War II thanks to the extraordinary work of American signals intelligence in cracking the Japanese Imperial Navy’s JN-25 staff code. But there was a cost to breaking the code and gleaning Japanese intentions in the Pacific; if the Japanese got even a hint that we were reading their traffic, they would change the code and we would be in the dark again. Hence, while we were able to plan a response to Japan’s attack on Midway Island and the Aleutians in 1942 based on the decoded intercepts, other Japanese moves that we were able to determine in advance were not countered because of the fear that the Japanese would get suspicious. In short, we would become victims of our own success and American sailors and Marines paid the price.
It must have been difficult for the brass to make those choices. But in the end, it was the right choice. Even after the Germans told the Japanese we had broken their naval code, the Imperial Navy arrogantly refused to believe it and kept the code anyway. And virtually every historian of World War II agrees that these code breaking activities shortened the war and saved lives.
Of course, the situation at the mall was a little different. Or was it? Although the potential victims at the mall were civilians, that gut wrenching conversation between Audrey and Fat Hobbit Lynn about whether to stop the gas from being released (see below) shows pretty much what kind of war we’re fighting. I daresay the 9/11 passengers on Flight 93 may have understood even though Audrey and Jack didn’t.
Yes the situation was contrived. But I would be curious to know whether or not the readers think CTU and the President made the right decision or whether you think Jack and Audrey were right?
I would bet that it breaks close to 50-50.
SUMMARY
Following the killing of Rossler by his 15 year old sex slave, Jack and CTU found themselves in quite a pickle. With Ivan the Terrorist set to call back and arrange a meeting so that Rossler could give him the chip that would allow for remote detonation of the nerve gas cannisters, it was time for Jack to think and think fast.
Actually, long time Jack fans knew what was coming before Rossler hit the floor with a satisfying thud - Jack would take the pedophile’s place. In fact, the entire show has been laced with this kind of predictability. Are the writers running out of ideas? Or do we just know Jack so well that nothing he does anymore can surprise us?
With the terrorists shopping the gas to “various sleeper cells” around the country (Holy Crap! You mean there are actually terrorists here in the US? Don’t tell the Democrats!) Fat Hobbit Lynn gives Jack the go ahead to try and pass himself off as Rossler in order to infiltrate the terrorist gang. Jack, being the manly man that he is, will need considerable assistance from the dynamic geek duo of Chloe and Fat Geek Edgar in order to make the chip switch and be convincing.
Back at the ranch, President Jellyfish has reverted to form. After what appeared to be an infusion of much needed testosterone last week from the Nutzo First Lady (who seems to have plenty to spare) he and Mike realize they can stonewall the Cummings caper rather than go through with the “limited hang out route” they were planning before Cummings rather convenient and some would say enormously helpful “suicide.”
The tin foil hats were out in full force all week at the show’s websites as there was wild speculation about Cummings. Was he murdered? His death certainly solved a lot of problems, didn’t it? Even innocent Evelyn, the First Lady’s Lady in Waiting, got in on the fun with a little speculation about foul play in Cumming’s suicide. Definitely a loose end to keep an eye on.
Of course, Cumming’s suicide also changed the political dynamic of whether or not to go public with his treason. With typical decisiveness where his own political hide is concerned, Logan okays a press statement at odds with the one he and Martha had come up with. Instead of full disclosure, there would be a cover up. Incensed, Martha threatens to go public anyway. Jellyfish boldly suggests she start with Cumming’s wife who had come to collect the body.
Jack goes to his meet with the terrorists and with Chloe’s expert assistance, switches the chip in the remote. Even though there is a tracking device in the chip itself, it was still predictable that Jack would be shanghaied and forced to go with the terrorists. Reluctantly, Jack accepts the gracious offer of a ride from the thugs and ends up at the absolutely best named terrorist target in TV history; Sunrise Hills Mall.
I bet half the towns in American have a “Sunrise Hill” mall or some variation with the words “sun” or “Hill.” Kinda creepy, no?
CTU’s dilemma begins. Take down the terrorists or not? We’ll call this exchange Audrey vs. Lynn I:
AUDREY: Lynn, we have got to stop them before they get inside.
LYNN: We move in now, Erwich will know we’re on to him and we won’t be led to the other cannisters.
AUDREY: Are you talking about letting them go through with this? Sacrificing the lives of all those people?
LYNN: I’m talking about accepting the damage of what one cannister can do vs. what the other 19 can do.
AUDREY: THIS IS INSANE!
Indeed. Fat Hobbit Lynn calls the President to get the go ahead to lay off the terrorists. And in another sickening display of wimpishness, Logan, like the squirming worm that he is, seeks to pass the buck back to CTU:
JELLYFISH: What’s your recommendation?
LYNN: Bill and I agree that the greatest good would be served if we allow them to release the single cannister of Centox nerve gas.
AUDREY: And I believe sir we have no right to sanction the deaths of innocent people. We should take our chances interrogating the men and find the location of the other cannisters.
(Pause as Jellyfish freezes like a side of beef that’s been locked in cold storage for a year)
LYNN: Mr. President, we’re running out of time. We need your decision, sir.
JELLYFISH: This is a field op. It’s up to you.
BILL: With all due respect Mr. President, it is not. We don’t have the legal authority to make this decision. Only you do.
Bleeccchhhh! * Spit * * Spit * (HT: Misha).
The clock is ticking because the terrorists have made their way into the mall, offed the security guard, and have placed the gas into the ventilation duct. All they need now is the code to punch into the remote and arm the cannister. And once Jellyfish gives his reluctant okay (threatening dire consequences if the plan doesn’t work) Fat Hobbit Lynn orders Jack to give the code to the terrorist.
We sympathize with Jack’s quandary. When he gives the terrorists the wrong code, the Fat Little Hobbit comes out in Lynn and he looks and sounds like he’s ready to do battle with the ourks. Jack is in trouble again - both with CTU and, as it turns out, the terrorists who don’t like mistakes. The remote won’t arm so they cold cock Jack and with the help of their terrorist brethren, make alternate plans to set off the cannister.
As the terrorists are fiddling with the nerve gas cannister, we are treated to another gut wrenching conversation between Audrey and Lynn (II):
AUDREY: The President is not looking at the children whose death warrants he just signed.
LYNN: Do you realize how many more people could die if they don’t lead us to the rest of the cannisters?
AUDREY: They could. That’s theoretical right now. Those children will die within minutes. Look at them! LOOK AT THE MONITOR!
BILL: Audrey! That’s enough.
AUDREY: No, it’s not. Lynn, you tell me. If you were in Jack’s shoes, would you follow through with that order, stand by, and watch as they murdered all those people?
LYNN: This is war! There are going to be casualties! If those are the orders of the President…YES!
AUDREY: I hope that’s not true - for your sake.
What she said.
As the terrorists prepare to release the gas, Ivan orders Jack’s death. Even though handcuffed to a table, Jack disarms his would be executioner and clamps his thighs around the thug’s neck, breaking it with a sickening crack. Hearing the struggle, terrorist #2 flees while Jack struggles to free himself. He’s too late. Some of the gas has escaped into the ventilation system. Cornering a plainclothes mall security man, Jack orders him to evacuate the mall and heads to the food court to either turn off the motors running the ventilation system or take advantage of the daily special at Too Wong Fu’s Sushi Palace.
Seeing that he’ll probably get lousy service at Mr. Too’s, Jack goes for the motors and turns them off. But not before several people are affected by the gas including a little girl that Jack rushes out to the mall parking lot and expertly administers the antidote. For such a tough guy, it’s apparent that Jack cares for women, children and dogs which probably makes him one of the most eligible bachelors in Los Angeles.
Terrorist #2 meanwhile finds a magic car. After breaking into what appeared to be a 1994 Chevy with electronic ignition, the terrorist is magically transported back to the 1970’s into the interior of what might be a 1974 Dodge Charger and is able to “hot wire” the car’s ignition. (Note to readers under the age of 30: This cannot be done on any car except maybe that old Chrysler Fury III sitting in your grandpa’s barn).
Tracking terrorist #2 back to the hideout, Ivan, who knew right away that CTU would be following, observes the arrival of the TAC Team and orders #2 to kill himself. (Does anyone else notice that there have been almost as many suicides this year as terrorists offed by Jack?) Ivan drives off into the afternoon sun leaving Jack, CTU, and the President in a dither as to what should be done.
BODY COUNT
Terrorists off the security guard. Jack plinks a terrorist. And the body count at the mall, according to Mike, stands at between 10 and 20. We’ll take the low number unless and until we hear differently.
JACK: 10
SHOW: 44
Make sure you leave a comment about whether you think CTU/Jellyfish was right in letting the terrorists release the gas or whether you think Audrey/Jack were right.
UPDATE
Check out this comment thread at Polipundit for some good speculation. Also, both Lori Byrd and Dave Barry agree with my analysis from last week: Faster please.
Am I the only one who thinks that this year’s story is advancing just a little too slowly?
The writers appear to be in love with exposition this year. Instead of action packed sequences that leave us breathless with anxiety, awaiting with bated breath next week’s installment, we get a lot of thumb sucking, head shaking, and “character development.” For God’s sake guys! This is a TV show not Shakespeare in the Park. If I wanted insight into the human condition, I’d watch Will and Grace. Or maybe Meet the Press - especially when Ted Kennedy is on.
Fleshing out the relationship between President Jellyfish and his Nutzo wife is all well and good but let’s move it along. And the gratuitous inclusion of Fat Hobbit Lin’s junkie sister was jarring to the sensibilities and undermined the narrative flow - especially given that we probably won’t see her for a few hours.
More time wasters? Jack and Audrey going back and forth about Porn Star Kimmy. Just kidnap her already and be done with it!
In short…faster please. Usually by this time we have a larger body count, more plot twists, and a few more shockers, although Anessa’s revenge against Rossler ranked as one of the more satisfying moments so far. Given the way she handles that gun, maybe she and Porn Star Kimmy can team up and both of them can become rogue agents going after pedophiles and international scumbag sex slave traffickers. Maybe they can even have 24’s first spinoff show - Not Quite 21.
That’s a show I just might make time to watch.
SUMMARY
Following Ivan the Terrorist’s threat to unleash the nerve gas on American soil, Jack and Logan grill Cummings about what else he knows. We learn that the “Mystery Man” is a former CIA agent James Nathanson and that Cummings actually thinks he is some sort of “patriot:”
LOGAN: What the hell was your goal Walt? Explain that to me.
CUMMINGS: We’re patriots, Mr. President. We were acting in the best interests of the country.
LOGAN: How is any of this in our best interests?
CUMMINGS: Shoring up a strategic partner in the War on Terror? Assuring a stable flow of oil? How is any of that not in the national interest?
Nathanson chose his man well. Cumming’s arrogance and belief in his own superior judgment about what is in the vital interest of the nation was played expertly by the ex-CIA man who, it appears, may in fact be working with the terrorists after all. When CTU failed to get in touch with him on Cummings cell, it may indicate that Nathanson doesn’t feel he needs Cummings anymore or, he somehow knew that Cummings was compromised. If the latter, that would mean there’s another mole somewhere.
Feeling that his part in the drama is done, Jack makes ready to disappear again only to be stopped by Jellyfish who appeals to Jack’s patriotism and asks him to stay on until the crisis is over. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this may be the first time someone has appealed directly to Jack’s love of country in 5 years. While Bauer is a slave to duty and often has personal motivations for what he does, his sacrifices for his country were always placed in the larger context of concern for his fellow man not necessarily for Americans. His patriotism was always implicit, never articulated. Anyway, I was glad to see it.
Ivan the Terrorist discovers he needs to reconfigure the triggers for the nerve gas in order to carry out his nefarious plans. His contact in Russia puts him in touch with Jacob Rossler, a nightmare of a sleazeball who not only has the morals of a marmoset but is also the personification of The Evil Geek - a software whiz who agrees to help Ivan fix the nerve gas cannisters so that he can set them off.
The writers try to humanize Fat Hobbit Lin by introducing us to his junkie sister Jenny, a completely unnecessary intrusion in the show except perhaps as one more terrorist kidnapping target. Asking for money from her bureaucrat brother, Lin agrees to take time out of his busy day to meet her.
Ivan the Terrorist finds a machine shop where the nerve gas cannisters can be opened so that the serial numbers can be programmed into the magic chip that Rossler is making for him. They enlist young Mac, a machinist who happened to be in the shop while everyone else went to lunch. Not a good time for Mac to draw the short straw for lunchtime duty.
Jack calls Audrey and asks her to contact Porn Star Kimmy and bring her to CTU but not tell her that her father is alive. Um…right. And just what excuse is Audrey going to use to get Kimmy to come to headquarters? Let’s do lunch and a little shopping?
Meanwhile back at the ranch Nutzo Martha confronts Jellyfish over his craven inability to tell her himself that he was going to recommit her to the mental institution. After telling her spineless husband that she “didn’t come to fight,” she proceeds to deliver the most satisfying slap in the history of the show right across Logan’s flabby face. The blow seemed to have an effect on Jellyfish. In fact, it acted as sort of a gonad transplant. When Novak suggests they initiate a cover-up of Cumming’s perfidy, Martha suggests otherwise; a come clean statement to the American people:
LOGAN: You may be overestimating the public’s capacity for forgiveness.
MARTHA: No, I’m not. The only thing they won’t forgive is being lied to. I think you should issue a statement to the press. And the sooner, the better.
Showing a completely uncharacteristic decisiveness, Jellyfish agrees with Martha and they both get to work on the mea culpa, or what H.R. Halderman famously said in planning the Watergate cover-up, the “hang-out route.” Halderman had several degrees of the “hang out route” including my favorite, “the modified, limited hang out route” which is what they ended up doing. We all remember what happened there.
CTU has traced Rossler’s call to Ivan to an office building downtown. The security matrix in the building is almost unhackable. So while Jack and Curtis ready themselves to confront Rossler, Chloe begs Bill to release her geek lover Spencer so that he can use his geek magic to get CTU into the security grid at the office building. Bill reluctantly agrees and Spencer does his thing. Jack and Curtis make their way up to Rossler’s penthouse which is guarded by two sleazeball security men. Not for long as Jack (who must have been itching to use his gun, it being more than an hour since his last kill) expertly guns down the guards and bursts into Rossler’s office. After winging the Evil Geek, Jack checks the bedroom only to find a 15 year old doe-eyed Anessa who was evidently “sold” to Rossler as a sex slave. Jack’s protective instincts go into high gear as he promises the girl she is safe - for a while anyway.
That’s because Rossler has CTU over a barrel and he knows it. Only he can lead the boys to Ivan the Terrorist. Jack and Curtis play bad cop/nightmare cop as Jack does the threatening and let’s Curtis have a little fun with the Evil Geek’s wounded leg. Not getting anywhere, Fat Hobbit Lin orders Jack to give the pedophile a deal that would grant him immunity and whisk him out of the country with young Anessa. Even though Rossler talks, Jack is still sickened by the thought of the teenage girl being in the clutches of slimeball Rossler who informs the boys that Ivan will call back within the hour to set up a meet in order to install the new chip which will allow the terrorists to detonate the nerve gas.
Back at CTU, Chloe reluctantly informs Spencer that his services are no longer required - either at the office or, we assume, in her bed. Fat Geek Edgar congratulates her:
EDGAR: That was hard but you did the right thing.
CHLOE: Shut up Edgar.
Edgar smiles a horny geek smile. Maybe he thinks he’ll get her on the rebound?
And the Hobbit? He slips away from the crisis to meet with his junkie sister Jenny who, after discovering that her loving brother will not give her any money, sics her junkie boyfriend on Samwise who seems to have lost some of his fighting skills when he made the move from Middle Earth. At the very least, he sure could have used some mithral to protect him from the blows delivered by junkie boy.
After finishing the statement, Martha and Logan are called out into the hallway where we discover that Cummings has pulled a Judas Iscariot and hung himself with his Brooks Brothers tie. Sic Semper proditor!
Jack gives Anessa the bad news that she must go with Rossler, at least for the time being. He promises that nothing will happen to her, that she will be rescued eventually. Obviously not believing our hero (not believe Jack?), she pulls a gun a kills her tormentor. This leaves our boys in a quandary as Ivan the Terrorist is about to call back and set up a meeting place so that Rossler can install the chips. Not only don’t they have Rossler anymore, but we haven’t seen the chip yet. And CTU is no closer to getting the nerve gas than they were at the beginning of the hour.
CELEBRITY SIGHTING
Senator McCain delivered a folder to Audrey in the CTU conference room in a split screen cameo. I guess if you’re a US Senator and a fan of 24, you get to be on the show. Or maybe he played a little slap and tickle with the producer? The Hollywood casting couch would never be the same.
BODY COUNT
Jack takes care of two security guards. Ivan plugs Mac the machinist. Anessa sends Rossler to hell.
JACK: 9
SHOW: 32
Sorry…suicides don’t count! However, if we find out later that Cummings was murdered, we will add him to the count.
UPDATE - SPECULATION
Some good speculation in this thread over at Lori Byrd’s Polipundit post. Several commenters also think the Cummings suicide was just a little too convenient.
A Presidential aide is implicated in a crime. Upon discovering this, the President has two options: 1) he can turn the aide in, take his lumps in the media, and eventually weather the storm, or 2) he can cover up the crime thus adding obstruction of justice to the legal mix and watch helplessly as the cover up is revealed piecemeal by a voracious, scandal-mongering media.
That was the decision faced by our gutless jellyfish of a President last night as Walt Cummings revealed his part in the assassination of Palmer as well as his connection to the terrorists. In real life, President Nixon found out his Attorney General had ordered the break-in at the Watergate hotel 3 days after the crime was committed. He chose to initiate a cover up that ended in his resignation. On the other hand, when Ed Meese discovered the possible law breaking of Oliver North’s crew in the Iran-Contra mess, Reagan didn’t hesitate. He immediately went to the press room and told the country about what was known. After a few rough spots (and a dip in the polls), Reagan came back strong the last year and a half of his Presidency finishing with approval ratings near 60%.
And Jellyfish?
LOGAN: Walt, you’re rationalizing murder, the murder of a President. You are going to contact those people before the nerve gas leaves the country.
CUMMINGS: I don’t know where the nerve gas is. And the man I had working on the inside has gone dark, he’s unreachable. No…no. You’ll let things play out as they are. Otherwise, your administration will be implicated and your presidency destroyed.
It’s your choice, Mr. President.
Cummings had taken the mettle of this President and had found it wanting. He recognized Logan for what he was; not only a spineless, worthless, sniveling mass of quivering man-flesh but a moral coward to boot. Getting Logan to play ball was easy.
Haldeman must have felt the same way.
Meanwhile, there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth on the right as Cummings reveals his motives for helping the terrorists. Putting aside the possibility that his stated motives may be a smokescreen and there may be more at play here (HT: my lover Sue), what is wrong with the government working to secure our access to oil?
Oil is the lifeblood of industrialized civilization. Excuse me. Not just oil but cheap oil. Without a cheap, reliable supply of oil, this country’s economy would collapse. Thousands of people would die. They would freeze to death in winter. Millions could be thrown our of work. Also, crops couldn’t be harvested and transported. Processed food would not reach the stores because the independent truckers who haul 80% of our food would be ruined by spiraling costs for fuel.
The oil shocks of the 1970’s nearly destroyed our industrial base. When oil went from $6 a barrel to $30 a barrel, the resulting chaos caused thousands of companies to go bankrupt. Millions were thrown out of work in the decade of the 1970’s. And we sat there and took it because we were conditioned to think of oil as something the oil companies made a profit on not as the vital commodity that it really is. After the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan when President Carter initiated a grain embargo against the Soviet Union, many on the left rightly called it an immoral act to deny needed food - even to an enemy. Since 1996, we have supplied our deadly enemies, the North Koreans, with more than 2,000,000 pounds of food aid.
For the same reason that it is immoral to use food as a weapon, it is unconscionable to use oil for the same purpose. But since the left has declared it a mortal sin to make a profit, it is easy to obfuscate our absolute need for oil by raising the specter of the evil corporations who traffic in it. Oil companies have been the bogeyman of conspiratorial leftist politics for 50 years. They have defined the oil issue not as one of survival but as one of money. They have successfully twisted the debate to where oil is simply a commodity not the tether by which our civilization hangs.
I hope to God there is someone, somewhere in government who is in fact thinking about securing a cheap, reliable supply of oil for coming generations. The fact that Cummings was working outside the system (we think) is what should be stressed, not his goal of thinking about a stable supply of oil. Of course, killing an ex-President and the hostage taking at the airport not to mention working with terrorists in the first place was dead wrong. But let’s not go off half cocked on his stated reasons for doing so.
SUMMARY
Fat Hobbit Lin makes the decision to allow Jack to get in touch with Novik and tell him about Cummings. Jack’s “plausible deniability” reason is thin but never mind that now. What’s important is that Jack is about to expose Cummings.
Before he can do that, he simply must do something about his love life. With enough nerve gas to kill the population of the United States a couple of times over loose and on its way to God knows where and with a mole sitting at arms length from the President of the United States, Jack feels compelled to explain himself to Diane.
The writers have made it pretty plain the Jack and Audrey still have powerful feelings for one another which makes one wonder why they brought Diane into the story in the first place. The look of pain on Diane’s face as Jack confesses he still loves Audrey sets up a later confrontation between the two women during which Diane lets slip the “L” word regarding Jack’s feelings for Audrey. Will Diane fight for Jack’s love? What we need here is a good old fashioned kidnapping of Diane to get Jack’s protective instincts in high gear. That’s the only way those two have a chance - Jack realizing he prefers the quiet, anonymous life as a roustabout rather than the thrill-a-minute life offered by Audrey.
Mystery Man (who I believe was called “Nate” by Cummings) sitting in his high-tech control room has intercepted Jack’s call to Novik and replayed it for Cummings. Realizing the jig is up, Cummings decides to come clean. Or does he? Mystery Man said to Cummings “You know what you have to do,” regarding Cummings being exposed. It makes one wonder if there isn’t another layer to this conspiracy that Cummings is still hiding. Stay tuned.
Agent Pierce meanwhile finds Martha hiding in the stables. She begs him to prevent her transfer to the mental institution and starts to relay her fears about Palmer’s suspicions. Before Pierce can hear her out, she’s led away - still without a word from the man who supposedly loves her, the President of the United States. It is perhaps unseemly (not to mention illegal) to wish a bullet would find Mr. Jellyfish and put an end to his pretensions. Alas, I doubt we’ll get that lucky.
Then again, the following scene where Cummings confesses his role in the day’s events only shows that shooting would be too good for him. Perhaps something a little more medieval - a boiling vat of oil or perhaps some ravenous dogs in a pit would do justice to his crimes:
LOGAN: So everything that happened today was just to kill some terrorists?
CUMMINGS: No. This is to produce a smoking gun. Proof of the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Central Asia.
LOGAN: …This is unbelievable…
CUMMINGS: It’s necessary. It will finally give us a pretext to increase our military presence in the region, guaranteeing the flow of oil for the next generation.
LOGAN: How dare you! How dare you act without my consent! How dare you put this Administration (!), the entire country in jeopardy! (shouting) You are a traitor!
CUMMINGS: No…(shouting back) NO MR PRESIDENT I AM A PATRIOT! DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE FOR THE CONTINUED SAFETY AND WELL BEING OF THIS NATION!
Seeing Logan’s confusion and hesitation, Cummings goes for the throat by making it clear who would be blamed if any of this ever came out. Jellyfish gives in and apparently starts to play ball. But his sniveling need for assurances from Cummings only makes me think that Fox should have an additional disclaimer at the top of the show. In addition to the violence warning, the network should inform viewers that “Watching portions of this show my induce extreme nausea and perhaps vomiting.”
With Logan on his side, Cummings orders the arrest of Jack and Novik. Jellyfish is in a daze. Take CTU out of the loop? What should I say? Cummings has to remind the swine that he’s the President of the United States and can do anything he wants.
Meanwhile back at CTU, Fat Hobbit Linn announces that he’s going to obey orders like a good little bureaucrat. It’s up to Bill to put some spine into the former Shire denizen who seems to lose his breath when the situation gets a little tight. Bill also points out that as a CTU director, Linn succeeds as a passable Hobbit. That may be alright for Middle Earth, but his hesitation and indecision is not only putting lives in danger but killing the flow of the show. Bill bucks Linn up and CTU stays on the case.
Back at the ranch, Jack is about to be transferred to the black hole of Calcutta never to be heard from again when he convinces Agent Pierce that he needs to see the President. Jeopardizing his career for the second time (Pierce helped Palmer regain control 2 years ago after a coup engineered by Novik), Pierce clears the way for Jack to burst in on Cummings and Jellyfish:
JACK: Mr. President my name is Jack Bauer and I’m sorry to have to confront you like this. But your Chief of Staff is withholding information that is vital to this nation’s security!
As Cummings lunges for the phone - cleverly disconnected by Agent Pierce - Jack goes to work on the fleshy parts of the body of Mr. Cummings. Jellyfish is pathetic:
LOGAN: Stop this! I…I’m the President of the United States! Get your hands off that man! Agent Pierce, do something!
PIERCE: I am Mr. President. I am upholding my oath to protect you.
Jack tires of the sport and draws his knife. Holding it up to Cummings face, Jack gives the second most powerful man in Washington a choice; talk or he will pop his eyes out of their sockets. Convinced, Cummings relents and tells Jack that the nerve gas is on a ship bound for Central Asia.
A grateful Jellyfish tries to explain to Jack that he “trusted” Cummings and that the man lied to him. Jack stands there as if wondering whether he should try the knife trick on Jellyfish to see if he’s involved too. Thinking better of it, Jack reverts to type, promising the President that he will “disappear again” after the nerve gas is found. The look on Jack’s face when Jellyfish extends his hand is priceless. Jack looks as if he was being forced to shake hands with an oily, slimy alien. Jack’s famous loyalty to the Office of the President may be sorely tested before this day is over.
CTU Tactical finds the shipping container where the nerve gas was but discovers it empty. Ivan the Terrorist has smelled out Cumming’s amateurish plot and has now moved the nerve gas to where it can do damage to “his enemies.” That’s us. And all this makes one wonder if the Mystery Man who was running Cummings didn’t envision a scenario like this all along. He may or may not be the ultimate mastermind. But its clear his agenda has not been fleshed out quite yet.
Ivan the Terrorist’s chilling call to Cummings reveals that the terrorists know Cummings was outed. And it also means that for CTU, the clock has started and the countdown has begun.
BODY COUNT
Another family friendly episode. His Majesty (named by Polipundit readers as “Jack Bauer of the Blogosphere”) is apoplectic that the body count isn’t higher. I wouldn’t worry Misha. We’ve still got 75% of the show to go.
Tonights lone fatality was Schaeffer, Cummings man on the inside, offed by Ivan the Terrorist.
JACK: 7
SHOW: 28
CONTINUITY…CONTINUITY…
Anyone notice that Cummings collar and tie was loosened when he came back in the room with the President following the raid on the container ship? He also looked pretty good for someone Jack just beat up. Usually, Jack’s victims look like Jerry Quarry did after going 10 rounds with Mohammed Ali.
UPDATE
Here’s a link to a site that features a “Kill Count and Torture Report.” I wonder if we’ll end up with the same number of kills for Jack at the end of the show?
I was all set to write up this week’s Carnival, following my usual routine of brewing a pot of freshly ground Italian Roast coffee and carefully placing two packs of Basic 100 cigarettes next to my Dave Brubeck-Thelonius Monk Jazz Essentials CD case when it hit me: What would Jack Bauer do in some of these situations?
Since Jack is not clueless about anything , this theme will supply what this Carnival has been sorely lacking since its inception; an answer to the obvious question of what else could have been done that would have taken these cluebats off the clueless list.
As Jack has been known to say from time to time, “There are always alternatives.” For this edition of the Carnival then, in addition to highlighting each entrant’s article, an addendum will be added: What Would Jack Bauer Do? (WWJBD?)
At the very least, Jack will be able to teach these morons a thing or two about courage. And loyalty. And perhaps a few novel ways to torture someone.
“That’s the problem with people like you. You want results, but you never want to get your hands dirty. I’d start rolling up your sleeves.”
(Jack Bauer)
“Better get busy Jack. From the looks of this week’s Carnival, you’ve got a lot of work to do.”
(Me)
******************************************************************************
Wonder Woman has a real jaw dropper about a nearby institution housing some of Canada’s worst violent criminals under the most minimal security imaginable.
WWJBD? First, Jack would bitchslap the authorities responsible. Then he would break into the prison and pose as a violent criminal in order to keep an eye on the thugs. Many would disappear under mysterious circumstances.
Mark Coffey brings us Senator Kerry’s naked political calculations in his Shang-Ri-La effort to filibuster Judge Alito.
WWJBD? Nothing. Jack doesn’t get in the way of people when they are self-destructing.
XYBA has researched the Restorative Justice Concept (used by the Judge in Vermont to sentence a child rapist to 60 days in jail) and wonders just how clueless one has to be to believe in it.
WWJBD? The only “restorative justice” Jack believes in is the kind where a terrorist is “restored” to Allah.
AJ Strata takes the LA Times to task for some completely clueless editorializing about how the Republicans mythologize the 1960’s for their own political benefit.
WWJBD? Jack doesn’t read newspapers. He hooks himself up to the CTU Mainframe every morning and downloads all the information he needs directly into his cerebellum.
Fred Fry on John Kerry’s planned run for the Presidency: “To bad for Kerry that the majority of those wishing for him to run, are those who plan to vote against him.” Yep.
WWJBD? Jack usually doesn’t care who’s President as long as they let him keep his gun and kill terrorists. Jack will make an exception in Kerry’s case.
Miriam proves that you can tell an author’s age simply by studying how he describes his characters.
WWJBD? Jack is like the old folks in Cocoon: “It’s a place where we never grow old and we’ll never die.”
DL at TMH Bacon Bits begs the Democrats to filibuster Alito.
WWJBD? Jack never begs. Using reverse psychology, Jack will announce that anyone who votes to filibuster Alito will get a bullet in the knee. “When I’m finished with you, you’re gonna wish that you felt this good again. ”
Atlas Shrugs has a photo gallery of some of the most vicious thugs embracing and swapping spit.
WWJBD? One look at the lovely Pamela and Jack would quit CTU, marry her, and settle down in Connecticut commuting every day to New York city where he works as a rare book seller.
Fausta joins the Carnival this week with a post on Castro’s response to our “democracy crawl” that’s visible to most of downtown Havana in the windows of our our consulate.
WWJBD? First, Jack would fix up Fausta’s hair real nice. Second, Jack would have taken care of the commie thug a long time ago.
Minh-Duc has some choice words for the Bush Administration and their plans to cut off funding for Iraq reconstruction.
WWJBD? Notwithstanding his loyalty to the President, Jack would march into the oval office and bash George and Rummy’s heads together to knock some sense into them. As for Condi, Jack doesn’t torture women but may think about dislocating a few of her fingers to get the Secretary to reconsider.
Mensa Barbie rounds up coverage of Mother Sheehan and her love fest with “The Laughing Goat” Hugo Chavez.
WWJBD? Jack would have tried to slap some sense into Sheehan months ago. As for Chavez: “We didn’t bring this crisis on ourselves, but we’ll be the ones to settle it. This is a dirty business and we have to get our hands dirty to clean it up!
Don Surber takes a hard look at GOP Senate candidate John Raese and the fact that he should be calling himself a “West Virfloridaginian” considering his housing situation.
WWJBD? Since Jack can be in two places at the same time, he would have no problems.
Our favorite hippie chick Peace Moonbeam had a blind date with… Well, you’ll have to figure it out. But it was a very important Democratic Senator who drinks Old Grandad - to excess!
WWJBD? Jack, an Old Grandad fan himself, has informed me that he stopped drinking the stuff the minute he heard this guy was drinking the same thing. I told him that wasn’t necessary as the gentleman’s second favorite drink was a “Bloody Mary Jo.”
Buckley F. Williams tells us about the 17 year old boy who won the right to wear a skirt to school.
WWJBD? Jack would embrace the boy and then teach him how to hunt and shoot as well as the best pressure points to use when trying to elicit information from a terrorist suspect. Overcome with an excess of testosterone, the boy would throw away the skirt and start beating up jocks.
Cao continues her coverage of the Jack Idema story highlighting the response of President Karzai to terrorists.
WWJBD? Jack Idema is Jack Bauer’s long lost twin brother. Bauer goes to Afghanistan, frees Idema, and they both tear a bloody swath through SW Asia killing every terrorist they can find.
Van Helsing congratulates Hugh Hewitt for his expert takedown of Cluebat of the Week Joel Stein whose remarks about not respecting the troops enraged not a few of us.
WWJBD? Jack often uses The Slayer to help him with those hard to kill terrorists - the ones like Marwan who seem to have supernatural abilities that help them to escape capture. Jack ignores Klein who he sees correctly as a pimple not worth popping.
Giacomo tells us what he’s doing about a clueless Nike ad that shows 7 year old kids climbing a ladder to dunk a basketball.
WWJBD? Jack doesn’t wear Nike’s to begin with. Everyone knows he wears Keds high tops. Secondly, Jack would kidnap the marketing director for Nike and torture him until the cluebat took the ad off the air.
Kender writes about Lying Leftists and the Lying Lies they Lie.
WWJBD? Jack and Kender make the rounds of Hollywood parties with 10 feet of copper wire, a bucket of water, and a car battery as they try and jolt some sense into the cluebats. Jack doesn’t like liars.
Orac comments on the picture of a pro-choice pregnant woman whose body painting proves how truly clueless she really is.
WWJBD? Since Jack was immaculately conceived, he has no position on abortion.
Adam tries to knock some sense into a clueless lefty who is agitating for an Alito filibuster despite the reality that the GOP has enough votes to confirm him.
WWJBD? Jack gets Chloe to hack the cluebat’s website and place Ronald Reagan quotes in the sidebar.
Kurt at Fly By Night has the details on a communities efforts to rid themselves of some local cluebats who have royally screwed up government.
WWJBD? Jack lets his gun do all his talking.
Those pouncing pachyderms at Elephants in Academia wonder aloud at the cluelessness of the Pentagon press corps.
WWJBD? Jack would drug the coffee of all reporters at the Pentagon making them sleep through their deadline. While they were unconscious, he would steal their hairspray and blue “power ties” so they would be unable to appear on TV.
Holly Aho has the scoop on some cluelessness in the State of Minnesota government who can’t seem to figure out what they should be doing with an illegally collected tax on smokers.
WWJBD? Jack is actually a smoker but THERE’S NO TIME to light up when he’s saving the country from terrorists.
Tom Bowler talks about an apparent Democratic exemption to the ethics rules in Congress.
WWJBD? Jack has a very strict code of ethics: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!”
Dangerous Dan has some thoughts on a clueless poster at Huffpo who sees the mad mullahs in Iran as soft, furry, Ewok like creatures who wouldn’t harm the hair on your head.
WWJBD? Jack wouldn’t wait until the mullahs went nuclear. “You have no idea how far I’m willing to go to acquire your cooperation.”
Jack Cluth tells us about a Hooters opening in Waco that was picketed by the Christian right.
WWJBD? Jack doesn’t mind Hooters as long as they let him bring his gun into the bar.
Beej at the blog Kiss my Sass has some advice for John Kerry yodeling his way to supporting the Alito filibuster.
WWJBD? Jack hates yodeling and would probably have detonated a bomb on Kerry’s ski slope in Davos in order to start an avalanche.
Finally, here’s my post on the Dems de-evolving into a Quivering Pile of Goo.
WWJBD? Nothing. Jack knows I can handle things like this myself.
Yours truly received a singular honor today. I was nominated over at Polipundit as a Jack Bauer of the Blogosphere!
I can’t tell you what this means to me. I am weeping with joy. I am bursting with pride. I am glowing with satisfaction.
Why do I feel like going out and kicking somebody’s ass?
Actually, the criteria for nomination was quite strict:
1. He’s male. Sorry ladies, but this gun-toting, do-what-a-patriot’s-gotta-do guy is focused testosterone. This ain’t Siegfried and Roy, this ain’t Dr. Phil, and any woman pulling the kind of stuff we see Bauer doing in “24″ would look more like “Xena†than a counter-terrorism agent.
2. He’s decisive. No one who can be connected to a focus group or committee need apply.
3. He’s not PC. Bauer does what is required, and is not subtle about it.
4. Despite being violent a lot, Bauer is not crazy or bloodthirsty. He does what is necessary, but holds his fire, and is willing to let even terrorists live if they surrender. That rules out DU or Daily Kos, even if they could accept being on the same side as Bauer.
And there are six more that are just as tough.
In the end, I lost out to some other guy. Imagine giving the award to that Michael Yon fellow? After all what did he do? Pay his own way to go over to Iraq just to blog? Hell, I can do that from my study…in my pajamas and bathrobe.
Come to think of it…going to Iraq just to blog does sound like something Jack would do.
Seriously, thanks to the guys at Polipundit. Maybe I should hold a “Chloe O’Brien of the Blogosphere” contest. What do you think?
Sweeping the internet like a nude picture of Paris Hilton, WWJBD (What Would Jack Bauer Do?) has become the question of the hour.
Hamas in charge? WWJBD.
Democrats mouthing impeachment? WWJBD.
Your next door neighbor letting his dog crap on your lawn? WWJBD.
And so forth.
But what do we really know about Jack Bauer? After all, we only met him 4 days ago, hardly enough time to justify bringing him home to meet the folks. We don’t even know where he was born, what his childhood was like, what flavor of ice cream he prefers, or even the answer to the burning question of whether Jack prefers boxers or briefs.
The answer to the last of course is neither - underwear is for pussies.
Since The House is the place to go for all things 24, I took the liberty of using my CTU issued super secret cell phone - the kind that never needs recharging and has “Blowing Up Terrorists” on speed dial - to give Jack a call and get some basic biographical and personal information from him.
Being the super nice guy that he is, Jack was more than obliging and actually opened up a little to yours truly. There were a couple of questions that he wouldn’t answer (and said in so many words that if I pursued the topic further I’d end up in the CTU holding room. Alone. With him.) but otherwise, he proved to be a rather genial chap with something of a sense of humor:
Q: How many terrorists do you need to paint a wall?
Jack: Depends on how hard I throw them.
Heh…I think.
Any rate, here’s everything you always wanted to know about Jack Bauer but were too terrified to ask.
Born: Kill Devil Hill, NC.
Grew Up: Gun Barrel City, TX
Religion: Druid (Reformed)
Favorite Color: Red (duh!)
Favorite Actor: Charles Bronson
Favorite Movie The Great Escape
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Rocky Road
Favorite Gun: Glock 36
Favorite Method of Torture: Kneecapping or electrified probes (Jack couldn’t decide)
Best Day: “Any day that I get to shoot my gun and kill terrorists.”
Worst Day: “You’re kidding, right?”
Fantasy Female: Sandra Bullock
Fantasy Male: (I think his gun just went off accidentally)
Favorite Group: Guns and Roses
Favorite Sport: Target Practice
Favorite Meal: Chop Suey
Favorite Dessert: Chocolate Bombe
Favorite Vacation Spot: Death Valley
Favorite Cartoon Character: Tasmanian Devil
If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments. I’m sure I’ll be talking to Jack again real soon.
UPDATE
The indefatigable Tom McGuire says “I need a hero.”
UPDATE II
Oh Jesus…I’ve really stepped in it now!
I’ve already gotten two emails and a comment about Jack’s “Favorite Gun.” Evidently my ignorance about firearms has gotten my Second Amendment friends in an uproar.
In my defense, I read on some other site that Jack was carrying a Glock so that’s the only reason I put it down. If I ever revisit that site, you can be sure I’ll pull a Jack Bauer on him and give the guy a good drop kick followed by a karate chop to the throat.
Just what kind of an agency is this CTU anyway?
Think about it. For five years running, they’ve been infiltrated by one mole after another until you start to wonder if the bureaucrats who are vetting potential CTU employees weren ‘t somehow in charge of the Katrina disaster as well.
Then there are the interpersonal relationships between the moles and legitimate CTU personnel. Nina and Jack, Curtis and Maryann, and now Chloe and Spencer proves that most of our heroes are completely clueless when it comes to matters of the heart and terrorists. They can’t all be thinking with some other organ than their brain now, can they?
And whoever is head of CTU security should be immediately fired and perhaps prosecuted for negligence. The dummy screener who let the hit man in tonight with a disassembled gun should have been trained to spot that sort of thing. Don’t any of these guys ever get sacked?
CTU is a dysfunctional agency in dire need of reform. Oh well…let’s worry about that tomorrow. We’ve got bigger fish to fry today.
SUMMARY
We pick up the story at the airport and the discovery by Curtis of where Mr. Yellowtie snuck off to after escaping from the secure perimeter set up by CTU Tactical. Too late - the terrorists have loaded the leaky cannisters of nerve gas onto a SWAT truck and have already left the airport. We know the nerve gas is leaking because several rats have succumbed to its effects. Curtis calls for a forensics team to investigate.
Evelyn discovers the unconscious First Lady and calls for the Doctor. When the Doc finds nothing wrong with her, Logan assumes - with Cummings urging - that she has relapsed and needs to be recommitted to the mental hospital. Her story about finding the hard copy of her conversation with Palmer is disregarded. Martha’s plight brings to mind Noah who everyone thought was a madman when he warned of God’s wrath about to be let loose upon a sinful world. In fact, Martha’s fate is not dissimilar to most prophets of doom throughout the Old Testament. They were dismissed as crazies much to the detriment of the people who were doing the dismissing. Later, Martha’s attempt to escape makes one wonder who she is going to tell that will believe her.
We discover that the terrorists are trying to move the nerve gas out of the country and that the eventual target of the terrorists is not the United States but Moscow. This brings into focus Cummings treachery as he and the Mystery Man gloat over their success. Could it be that a faction in the United States government is supporting a terrorist strike on Russia in order to fatally weaken the Russian leader who wants to work with the US in fighting terrorism? This plays to some conspiracy scenarios on the far left and right about the government actually working with Osama Bin Laden in order to usher in an era of oppression. Certainly a huge terrorist strike on Russia would cause our own government to crack down on civil liberties even more than they have to this point. I’ll be fascinated to see what the motivation of Cummings and Mystery Man is in helping carry out this attack.
The two traitors realize that Jack Bauer is still a threat to their plans because…well, he’s Jack Bauer, isn’t he? Cummings informs us that he’ll take care of Jack by using his man on the inside at CTU to clear the way for his shooter. Here the writers fell down a bit since so many of us recognized Spencer as the mole from the get go. Why else would he (or anyone else for that matter) play “hide the salami” with Chloe?
Edgar’s conversation with her about “secrets” reinforces that notion:
EDGAR: Why didn’t you tell me Jack was alive?
CHLOE: Oh C’mon, it’s called National Security?
EDGAR: Yeah, what about Spencer? I didn’t even know you two were going out.
CHLOE: Oh gimme a break, okay? When we find the nerve gas and the alert level drops, we’ll have some camamile tea and I’ll tell you all my secrets, OKAY?
It is apparent that Spencer is a patriot who will do anything for his country.
Back at CTU, Audrey is informed by Fat Hobbit Lin that she is going to debrief Diane. Reluctantly, she queries Diane about her “personal relationship” with Jack. Was that my imagination or did I see a look of relief on her face when Diane told her in so many words that she and Jack never made it?
The interrogation is interrupted when Jack shows up at the door to the holding room. Diane sees the looks exchanged between Audrey and Jack and realizes where Jack’s heart lies. This seems to upset her which makes me think that she and Audrey are going to have some words before the day is out.
In the hallway, Jack apologizes for letting Audrey think he was dead. As Audrey tries to tell Jack she still loves him, we find that all the bitterness and hate she showed Bauer last season was just an act! She tells Jack that she “never blamed him for Paul’s’ death” (lie) and that she was never really mad at him (lie #2) and that he “had to make the hard choice” (lie #3). Audrey’s already pointy nose grew considerably during this conversation. But since Jack apparently still has feelings for her, it should be interesting how they try and patch things back together after so much water has gone under the bridge.
Meanwhile, Spencer is in the security room accessing the monitors so that Jack can be tracked from a remote location. Chloe interrupts and gets off the lines of the night:
CHLOE: I was unfairly harsh to you a few minutes ago. I didn’t mean anything.
SPENCER: Apology accepted.
CHLOE: It really wasn’t an apology. It was more of an “observation…” (Spencer walks away in disgust)
CHLOE: (Sotto Voce): Dammit! Why do I do that?
It could be because you have the interpersonal skills of a baboon and the temperament of a female grizzly bear. But we won’t hold it against ya!
Spencer makes his way to the security entrance and unwittingly clears the assassin for entry, who is posing as a mild mannered computer repairman which completely fools the clueless screener who misses the disassembled gun in the shooter’s case. He takes the assassin to the security room and shows him how to access the surveillance cameras so that the shooter can track Jack inside CTU.
Just prior to that, nosy Chloe checks to see what her lover had been doing at the work station in the security room and discovers that he was accessing information above his clearance level. Putting two and two together, she realizes she’s been used and runs to Bill with her information. Spencer is taken before Bill who grills the hapless mole about who he is really working for. Chloe has a nice turn as the aggrieved woman cruelly used by the spy as she almost - but not quite - breaks into tears over the episode. Spencer clams up as the shooter stalks Jack.
Jack is doing a little figurin’ of his own as he and Fat Hobbit Lin discuss the fact that there is probably a traitor in the White House. The fact that Jack has figured out that Palmer was killed because he knew of the plot makes his coming meeting with Nutzo Martha next week (who else is she going to tell that believes her) one to look forward to. Obviously, Jack and Martha are going to work together. And that’s when the call comes from the clinic informing the pair that Tony is conscious and wants to talk. He requests to see Jack first.
The shooter is waiting for him of course. After a short but intense scene of hand to hand combat, Jack sends the hit man to perdition using a pair of scissors. Despite a cracked rib (let’s see if it bothers Jack at all for the rest of the day) when Bauer discovers that Spencer is the mole, he becomes an avenging angel and makes his way to the holding room. After showing the now thoroughly chastened spy the picture of the dead hit man, Spencer blurts out that it was Cummings who was giving him orders.
Jack points out that President Jellyfish is in California and suggests they pay him a visit to let him know about Cummings. Fat Hobbit Lin demurs:
FHL: Cummings is the President’s Chief of Staff and his friend. Without any hard evidence, CTU can’t touch him.
JACK: I’m not CTU. I’ll get Walt Cummings myself.
If I were Cummings, I’d make sure all my affairs were in order…pronto!
BODY COUNT
The show almost could have passed for family viewing tonight as only two corpses were added to the total. The hit man offs the clinic doctor while Jack’s scissors trumps the shooter’s rock.
JACK: 7
SHOW: 27
SPECULATION
Bringing the Russians on board will be tricky. Suspicious already, they could see any attack that was planned in the United States as an act of war. Look for a Russian ultimatum: Stop the terrorists or suffer the consequences.
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“Diane, listen to me. I promise you on my life that I will get Derek back to you.”
Jack Bauer to Diane Huxley after telling her that her son Derek is a hostage.
One of the basic elements of tragedy is that the protagonist has a flaw in their character that leads to disaster. This “tragic flaw” in classical literature is usually related to one of the Seven Deadly Sins; pride, greed, envy, anger, lust, gluttony, and sloth. However, it is also considered to be a character flaw to have an excessive amount of virtue. The logic is inescapable. If one has an excess of piety for instance, this could easily lead to the cardinal sin of pride.
Jack Bauer is a man of extremes. In that sense he is a one dimensional character, hardly a surprise given that we only know him by observing him on the absolute worst days of his life. But if Jack has one flaw in his character that has time and again led him into horrible situations it is that he has an excessive sense of honor. When Bauer gives his word you know he will move heaven and earth not to break it.
Last night’s episode illustrates that there are times when Jack would be better off not allowing his sense of honor to get in the way of his duty. When talking to Diane from his perch above the terminal and finding out that Derek is a hostage, Jack swears under his breath. He feels the weight of responsibility for seeing that Derek comes out of the hostage situation in one piece because he got the kid involved in the first place. And he knows that once made, his promise to Diane to get Derek out alive is going to complicate his duty to CTU and the rest of the hostages.
For many of us, giving a promise like that to a woman in Diane’s position would be simply a matter of reassuring a frantic mother. But for Jack, it is a blood oath that he has no thought of breaking. You know when he says it that he means exactly what he says. And like Jack, we know that it will get in the way of his responsibilities to CTU in helping them with the rescue assault.
The fact that in the end, Jack managed to be true to both his duty and his word came about thanks to some good luck and clever improvisation. But you have to wonder if in quieter times, Jack doesn’t reflect on incidents like this and curse himself for his excessive virtue.
SUMMARY
After taking control of the airport terminal, we learn that the terrorists are demanding that the anti-terrorism treaty that is about to be signed between the Russian and US Presidents be repudiated, something President Jellyfish is unwilling to do. His reasons are typically selfish; his place in history would be diminished. How this guy ever got elected dogcatcher much less Vice President (for those unaware, he took over the Presidency last year when Air Force I crashed killing the President) is a mystery.
I’m sure many of you have noticed also that we don’t know exactly who these terrorists represent. Are they Chechens? Given that this is the major secessionist movement in the Russian Federation one would have to believe this to be the case. So why not say so? Guess what religion most Chechens belong to and then remember last year’s protest by the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) that Muslims were being depicted in a negative light and you have your answer.
After executing a hostage to prove they are serious, terrorist leader Anton singles out poor Derek and informs CTU that unless the treaty is repudiated in 15 minutes, young Derek will die. This galvanizes Jellyfish who demands that CTU mount an assault on the terrorists before the treaty is signed. Jack calls Bill and after brushing off Bill’s attempt to get him to surrender, he informs the CTU chief that he will remain at the airport and help coordinate the assault.
Meantime, Chloe returns to CTU headquarters while Fat Geek Edgar is trying to identify Anton thanks to some pictures that Jack took with his magic cellphone - you know, the one that never needs charging and never drops out. She is confronted by Bill:
BILL: Chloe, you managed to rack up 4 protocol violations.
CHLOE: Well, it’s a lot worse than that. If you count agency DOC codes it’s more like 26 violations. Now, do you want me to figure out whose face that is or I can go wait in the holding room?
What with Chloe’s new look hair and trimmed down bod, I think I’m in love.
While this little by play is going on at CTU, nutzo First Lady Martha is obsessing over her conversation with Palmer the night before he was killed. She slips away and, after threatening a White House employee in the bathroom, she gets a keycard to the archive room where she finds a hard copy of the conversation she had with Palmer, proving that the tape was altered. By who, she doesn’t know which is a break for Cummings who is starting to sweat bullets over Nutzo’s quest to prove she isn’t…well, nuts.
Back at the airport, poor Derek has minutes to live. Realizing that CTU Tactical will not be ready in time to save him, Jack hits upon a brilliant idea - a diversion. He downloads a picture of one of the terrorist’s vest detonators. Although “off protocol,” Chloe agrees to help Jack try to set the vest off once she sees its Derek under the gun. With some geek magic, she and Spencer are able to get the code with which Jack can detonate the vest remotely using his cell phone. Sure enough, just before Anton can pull the trigger, Jack is able to blow up a terrorist’s vest and in the resulting confusion, Derek is given a temporary reprieve.
CTU Tactical is just about ready to begin the rescue operation when they lose contact with Jack. It seems that Cummings called the Mystery Man and told him all about Jack and the assistance he was giving CTU with the planned assault. MM then calls Anton who turns on a device that blocks Jack’s cell phone signal. Bill reluctantly aborts the mission while Curtis comes up with a new plan. And if that wasn’t bad enough Anton also got word about Jack’s special relationship with Derek and calls for Jack to surrender or the poor kid is toast. Given his promise to Diane to make sure that Derek gets out alive, Jack has no choice and gives up, placing the hostages, CTU tactical, and the entire United States government in danger.
When he finds out that the US government is going ahead with the treaty signing, Anton offs another hostage. I don’t know about anyone else but when the terrorist killed those two hostages, I felt mighty uncomfortable to think that I could be in a situation like that someday. Um..I think that was the point, yes?
At the treaty signing ceremony, while awaiting word on the rescue Jellyfish hears for the first time who CTU’s “inside man” is at the airport. Once again, Jellyfish goes ballistic and demands Bill tell him why someone who is a suspect in the assassination of former President Palmer is helping CTU. When Bill says that the story will take too much time, Jellyfish snaps “Talk faster.” What. A. Tool.
And following the second hostage execution, Jellyfish begins to revert to form and starts to quiver like a schoolgirl, whining about his legacy and questioning whether or not it was worth it. It was up to Mike Novik to put a little steel in the President’s spine by reminding him of his responsibility. I fully expect Mike to quit in disgust at some point during the day. He no longer tries to hide the look of scorn on his face when dealing with Logan.
Using Derek as a club, Anton forces Jack to tell him the plans for the assault and then has him call CTU giving an alternate scenario courtesy of Anton. CTU Tactical is walking into a trap and Jack tries to warn them by using a “duress code” which in this case were the words “flank 2 position.” No one at CTU picks up on it however because Jack has been gone 18 months and the agency has changed protocols.
It is at this point that we meet Samwise - er, Lin McGill played by veteran Hobbit Sean Astin. McGill is a bureaucratic pustule, a pimple of a man whose excessive regard for form over function threatens to get everyone killed. And Bill, who is something of a bureaucrat himself, swallows hard, toadies up and grovels before the interloper from Division.
The only redeeming feature found in Mr. McGill so far is a fanatical desire to review everything - the attack plan, protocols, and yes - even conversations between CTU and Jack.
The treaty signing begins with Jellyfish wringing his hands about the hostages in private but talking tough in public. The Russian President informs him that if the hostages are killed, the treaty will be a mockery as will he and Jellyfish. Don’t know about the Putinesque Russian but Jellyfish doesn’t need any help looking like an idiot.
At the airport, Anton is told about Chevensky’s suicide and asks for “the keycard.” He passes the card to a hostage “sleeper” and Jack, who never seems to miss a trick, makes a note of the exchange.
Curtis has reconfigured the assault plan that if carried through would lead to catastrophe. Anton forces Jack to give the go ahead and the countdown begins. Then just before the assault gets underway, McGill bursts into the situation room with the information about Jack using the lapsed duress code. Just in time, Bill aborts the mission. Instead, Curtis calls for a return to the original plan.
As 13 terrorists wait for CTU tactical to burst through one wall, they instead are shocked when the assault occurs damn near behind them. In perfect flanking position, the TAC team makes short work of the terrorists with help from Jack who pulls a Houdini and gets out of his cuffs and offs two of the thugs. Seeing Anton about ready to kill himself, Jack pulls a Roy Rogers and shoots the piece out of his hand. This doesn’t deter Anton who crawls to the body of a dead terrorist wearing a suicide vest and blows himself up.
In the confusion, the sleeper has escaped despite Jack searching for him. And before young Derek leaves the terminal, he and Jack exchange a full body hug, which means that before these 24 hours are over, Jack will probably be called on once again to save the kid’s butt.
Meanwhile, the sleeper has made it to another part of the airport where a group of terrorists have unearthed some kind of container. The keycard opens it and what we see isn’t good; about a dozen cannisters containing something that the men needed gas masks in order to check out. The sleeper informs the Mystery Man that the cargo is safe and they are loading it for transport.
And Martha? She has the hard copy of her conversation with Palmer but won’t tell anyone about it except the President. While waiting for Jellyfish to indulge what he thinks are her fantasies, Cummings attacks the First Lady of the United States, chloroforms her, and steals the document containing her conversation with Palmer. Let’s hope she made a copy.
BODY COUNT
A ghoulish night for the grim reaper. The terrorists execute three hostages. Thirteen terrorists bite the dust with Jack accounting for three souls faithfully departed.
JACK: 6
SHOW: 25
SPECULATION
Spencer redeemed himself slightly by helping out Chloe with the vest detonation project. But he only did it because Chloe gave him that “Come Hither” geek look. He still could be the mole.
NOTE: Long time readers will note that I have changed the photo of Jack Bauer at the top of this post. This is due to the incessant whining of Bombtruck at Anklebiting Pundits who says the old picture made Jack look like a wuss. I happen to think it made Jack look like a handsome wuss but I am giving into Bombtruck because he is frequent commenter in the 24 forum at ABP. Besides, it’s never a good idea to get someone named “Bombtruck” mad at you.
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